Chapter 4 #3
“What has Erica done to earn the title of cool?”
Meg shrugged. “She’s the boss, isn’t she?
I mean, she flies all over the world first class, and people pay her a fortune to give them advice on stuff.
She stands up and gives presentations to thousands of people.
That talk she did has had like sixty million views on YouTube.
She has focused her life on her career and doesn’t ever apologize for it. ”
Anna considered Erica’s lifestyle to be bordering on the unhealthy but maybe that was because she knew much more about Erica than her children did.
She knew that one of the reasons Erica had focused on her career was because her mother, disillusioned and struggling after Erica’s father had vanished from the scene when she was born, had drummed into her that she should never, ever rely on anyone except herself for anything.
She knew that although Erica would never admit it, her childhood had left her so focused—she wouldn’t use the phrase screwed up exactly, or maybe she would—on the importance of independence that she wasn’t capable of sustaining a romantic relationship.
Erica never leaned on anyone, or relied on anyone, although she was more than generous with her own time.
When one of her friends was in trouble, she was there to provide whatever support they needed.
Anna glanced at Pete and felt a rush of love. If she stumbled, she trusted him to catch her and she knew he felt the same way about her. She didn’t ever doubt that he’d be there for her. Some people might have thought she was naive, but she knew she wasn’t. She trusted him completely.
She’d felt this way right from the day she’d met him.
She’d been working in the college library and seen a gorgeous man with ridiculously long eyelashes so absorbed in a book that he hadn’t noticed the girls hovering close, sending him longing glances.
She’d just finished the same book, so she’d handed him the next in the series and he’d invited her back to his room to share a bottle of wine and discuss it.
Twenty-two years and two kids later, they were still drinking wine together, laughing and talking about books. Right through college they’d been “Anna and Pete,” and they were still Anna and Pete.
Erica, who had flitted from partner to partner even at college, had never understood how the two of them could be so content, but Anna thought that was probably because Erica had never been willing to fully trust someone. She’d never had a truly intimate relationship.
Erica had never put herself in a position where a man could walk out and ruin her life, the way her father had.
Anna thought about it sometimes. She thought about Erica’s father and wondered what sort of man would walk away from his wife and newborn baby.
She tried to imagine Pete doing the same, but it was impossible to imagine it because Pete would no more walk away from his children than he would walk away from Anna.
Over the years she’d entertained hopes that Erica would meet someone and fall in love—Claudia blamed Anna’s addiction to romances—but it had never happened. And now Erica was forty.
Forty.
They’d been close friends for more than two decades, since they’d shared a room in college.
Anna thought about her earlier phone call with Claudia.
After they’d finished speaking, she’d taken another look at the Maple Sugar Inn and couldn’t see a single reason why Erica would be choosing it.
She had a sneaking suspicion that Claudia was right.
Something was wrong with Erica, but she knew from experience that Erica would tell them when she was ready and not before.
Meg finished her pasta and put her fork down. “Also Erica has great clothes and is always in great shape. You would never know she was forty. She doesn’t look that old.”
Pete winced. “Oh, the cruelty of youth. Forty isn’t old. Forty is the new twenty.”
Meg stared at him as if he needed humoring. “Er—okay, Dad. If you say so.”
I’m the same age as Erica, Anna thought.
Would people guess she was almost forty?
Yes, probably. She wasn’t thin, and she didn’t stride around exuding confidence the way Erica did.
She was suddenly aware of the fact that her jeans were biting into her tummy.
Maybe the kids leaving home would be the nudge she needed to take better care of herself. Get fit.
“Erica stays in hotels a lot, so she always uses the gym and the pool.” She ignored the little voice in her head that reminded her that exercise was a choice, that you didn’t need a five-star hotel or a gym membership to stay in shape.
Claudia was proof of that. She ran most mornings, and worked out several times a week.
There was no doubt that of the three of them, Anna was the sloth.
“Exactly,” Meg said. “Erica puts herself first and doesn’t apologize for it.
That feature about her last week—what was the headline?
” Meg tapped her finger on the table and then smiled.
“‘What Glass Ceiling?’ That’s it. About how she’d let nothing get in the way of her ambition.
I showed everyone at school. I said That’s my godmother and they were all like, Whoa, you’re kidding.
And then the teacher asked if I could invite her in to talk to the school.
I said I would, but she’d probably be in Tokyo, or London or somewhere glamorous.
She’s an incredible role model for women. ”
Anna put her fork down.
She’d spent the past eighteen years trying to be the best mother possible, and now she was discovering that if she’d gone back to work and focused on climbing the career ladder, she might have earned more respect.
And if she’d done that, she’d have something in the future that wasn’t about to change.
“I used to work in the same company as Erica. In fact, I was promoted before she was.” The moment the words left her mouth she felt embarrassed.
What was she doing? Trying to prove that she was worthy of the cool title, too?
Was she really that insecure about herself and her place in the world?
Since when was your worth measured in terms of job title and salary?
“You were promoted before she was?” Daniel’s eyes widened, as if he couldn’t even picture his mother occupying the same space as Erica. “Why did you give up?”
“You know why.” Meg rolled her eyes at her brother. “She had us.”
Daniel looked troubled. “But you could have carried on working.”
It intrigued her how simple the world seemed to her children. They saw everything in black-and-white, no shades of gray. Maybe that was one of the advantages of hitting forty. You saw things in a more nuanced way.
“I could have carried on working.” She smiled.
“But I enjoyed being a mother. Our family has always been my priority, and I have no regrets about that.” No regrets, but lately she’d wondered how her life might look if she’d made different decisions.
“You’ll be making these decisions yourself one day. ”
“I’m not sure I’m going to have children with the state the planet is in,” Meg said. “Your generation has broken it. Thanks a lot, Mom.”
Anna blinked. Now she was being held personally responsible for global warming.
“Anyway, you can still go back to work. It’s not too late. As Dad says, forty isn’t that ancient.” Meg helped herself to another piece of garlic bread. “Priya’s mom has just gone back to work in a doctor’s office.”
Anna tried to imagine herself working in a doctor’s office.
That wouldn’t happen. She’d been out of the workforce for too long.
She had no skills. She’d have to retrain and she wouldn’t even know what to retrain as.
She couldn’t think of anything she wanted to do.
Her life stretched ahead, empty and without purpose.
She imagined herself walking from room to room, tidying things that were already tidy.
She’d always known this moment would come, so why wasn’t she better prepared?
After the kids had cleared the table and helped load the dishwasher—she might be a stay-at-home mother, but she wasn’t a walkover—she glanced at Pete.
“It seems you and I are getting the tree by ourselves on Saturday.”
“Mmm. I can pick one up on my way home from work on Friday if you like. I pass a store that sells them.”
His answer unlocked the misery she’d kept inside. “Sure. Why not just add it to our weekly shopping? Maybe we should buy one already decorated so we don’t have to bother with that part, either.” She saw him raise his eyebrows and sighed. “Sorry. Ignore me.”
“I was trying to be helpful,” he said mildly, “but clearly it wasn’t a good suggestion. What’s wrong? What am I missing?”
“Evidently nothing!” She felt frustrated that he didn’t understand without her needing to explain.
“Am I the only person in this family who appreciates tradition? Don’t you care at all that the kids don’t want us at their concert, and that they don’t want to join us to get the Christmas tree?
A Christmas tree isn’t a chore. It isn’t something to be ticked off the to-do list like laundry. ”
He paused. “Anna—”
“Don’t Anna me.”
He rubbed his fingers across the bridge of his nose, the way he always did when he was trying to figure out exactly what to say. “It’s not that they don’t want to come with us to get a tree. It’s that they had other plans. We could do it at a different time.”
“They didn’t appear to care much. And did you notice that they didn’t seem at all bothered that I’m going away?
But that’s not the point. The point is that the tree has always been everyone’s priority.
As soon as we hit November, they’d be begging us to get the tree, remember?
They wouldn’t have missed the trip for anything. ”
“I remember. I remember the year we caved in and got it at the end of November.” He smiled and she smiled, too, because it was a happy memory.