Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
Anna
One of Anna’s favorite memories was of reading to the twins when they were very young.
Sometimes she’d managed to engage both of them at the same time, and the three of them had snuggled in the bed, taking turns to flip the pages of the book.
More often she’d taken one of them and Pete the other.
Occasionally over the years, she thought back wistfully to that time and she thought of it now as she was snuggled on the sofa with Delphi, cocooned by tall shelves of books and warmed by the fire.
There was a tendency to only remember the good when you looked back, but of course there had been difficult days, too.
There was a relentlessness to parenting young children that sapped energy from the most robust of people.
There had been one memorable winter when the twins had been ill constantly, passing germs between them until Anna had wondered if they’d ever be well again.
Still, there had been a simplicity to those days that she missed. There had been no worries about the influences of friends, no staying up late until she knew the twins were home safe, no terror at the thought of one of her babies behind the wheel of a car.
For eighteen years they’d been under her roof and under her care. They’d been her focus, her life.
Next to her, Delphi had fallen asleep on the cushions and Anna closed the book they’d been reading together, wishing she could stop feeling this way.
She had much to be grateful for, and the fact that her children were healthy and able to leave home and lead independent lives was one of them.
She knew, deep down, that this wasn’t about them.
Yes, she’d worry about them because that was part of being a parent, but it wasn’t worry about the twins that kept her awake at night. It was worry about herself.
She wanted to look into the future and be excited and motivated. She didn’t want to feel this slow, seeping sadness. She didn’t want to be counting down the days until they left home.
We could have another child.
Did she want that? There was something about that conversation she’d had with Pete in the kitchen that hadn’t felt quite right. She knew he didn’t really understand how she was feeling, and maybe it was unrealistic of her to expect him to. Still, it would have been good to talk properly about it.
She’d tried to call him earlier and he hadn’t answered, which was unlike him. Normally, whenever one of them was away, they enjoyed long phone calls.
She picked up her phone and sent him a quick message.
Everything okay with the kids?
The door to the library opened and Anna glanced up as Hattie came into the room.
Anna pushed her own problems aside. “How’s it going?”
“So far, so good, I think. I just wanted to check on you and Delphi. The couple from Ohio has dietary issues. Gluten free. I need to warn Claudia.”
Hattie looked like a person who had too much going on in her life. In her head.
“Claudia will already have thought of that. And you don’t need to worry about Delphi.
” She glanced at the sleeping child. “We read two books, made up a story with Huge the dinosaur as the main character, then she told me everything she wanted for Christmas, and after that she crashed out. Should I have woken her? I know it’s a little late in the afternoon to let her sleep, but she seemed to need it. ”
“She’s recovering from a cough and it has kept her awake,” Hattie said. “Let her sleep.”
Anna studied the shadows under her eyes. “I’m guessing that cough has kept you awake, too. I remember those days. And you’re on your own with it. That can’t be easy.”
“I’m fine.”
Anna reached for the soft throw draped over the back of the sofa and tucked it around Delphi. “I remember saying those words while screaming inside.”
Hattie gave a half smile. “I could do without all this extra pressure, that’s for sure.”
“Sit down for a moment.” Anna patted the sofa next to her but Hattie shook her head.
“Tempting, but if I sit down I might never get up again and there is so much to do. I need to check Erica is okay.”
“Is there a reason why she wouldn’t be?”
Hattie glanced over her shoulder as a guest walked past. “Are you going to catch the bookstore before it closes, Mike? Be careful. It’s icy out there.
Call us if you need anything.” She turned back to Anna.
“Erica is using the computer in my office to type up a menu, and then she’s going to do a job description so that we can advertise for a new chef. ”
“She won’t need help with either of those tasks.” Anna almost smiled at the idea of Erica needing assistance.
“She’s been great,” Hattie said. “You all have.”
Anna debated whether she should say something about Hattie and Erica’s situation, and decided that a little bit of gentle interference was justified in this case.
“I know Erica didn’t handle the situation well earlier. I’m sure that upset you.”
“It doesn’t matter. I understand.”
“I doubt that you do.” Anna checked Delphi was still asleep.
“I’m not generally considered a gossip, but there are a few things it might be helpful for you to know about Erica.
The first is that she isn’t easy to know—which is why I’m giving you a crash course.
The second is that once you do know her you’ll discover that she’s the kindest, most generous person you will ever meet.
Not always tactile.” Anna saw the doubt in Hattie’s face and plowed on.
“If you want a hug and a ‘there, there, poor you’ from someone, don’t pick Erica, but if you want someone who cares deeply for the people she loves and will offer any practical help within her power, then she’s your woman. ”
Hattie hesitated and then joined Anna on the sofa.
“You three have been friends for a long time? You met at a book club?”
Anna smiled. “No, we met at college. Our book club happened by accident. It was our way of escaping from the heaviness of what we were reading. We were all stressed out from studying and exams and I became addicted to romance novels as a way of relaxing.”
Hattie brightened. “I did the same at college. Romance novels were my happy place.”
“Erica loved thrillers and crime, and Claudia biographies and cookery books—we each thought the other’s reading choices were pretty awful.
Erica teased me about romance and I teased her about reading crime but then we realized we’d never actually read each other’s books.
So that’s what we did. One evening after a bottle of wine, we swapped.
We each picked one from our favorites and the others read it.
Then we talked about it.” She leaned back against the sofa, remembering.
“Those discussions were such fun. We’d pick apart everything.
Why the romance heroine behaved in the way she did, why crime fiction won awards when romance fiction was ignored and denigrated.
Why violence was celebrated and stories about relationships—probably the single most important thing in our lives—dismissed as froth. ”
“I hope you’re not asking me that question,” Hattie said, “because my only answer is snobbery.”
“That’s the conclusion we reached.” Anna sat up.
“Anyway, it started from there. When we graduated, we used our book club as an excuse to meet up. Once a year we book a hotel for a week. Occasionally near a beach, but often in a city because Erica loves that. It’s a week to chill out, relax, do some sightseeing, catch up and talk about books. ”
“Always a hotel?”
“Yes. The idea was that it was a week where none of us had to do anything except relax together. No one had to cook. We could order room service. There was nothing to do but enjoy ourselves. And the weird thing is we can go months without seeing each other, and when we finally get together it feels as if we only saw each other yesterday. That’s friendship, I suppose.
It’s the reason I look forward to it every year.
” And she needed it. Her friends were better than therapy. Definitely cheaper.
“But this year your summer gathering didn’t happen?”
“Claudia had some personal issues back in the summer—we all agreed to push it back to Christmas. We thought it would be cozy and festive. And it is.” Anna glanced from the fire to the tree.
“I felt conflicted coming away at this time of year. It’s a special family time.
Families should be together at Christmas, shouldn’t they?
” Only after she’d said the words did she realize how tactless they were, but fortunately, Hattie didn’t seem upset.
“It’s a magical time of year. How many children do you have?”
“Two. Twins. Boy and a girl.”
“That’s nice.” Hattie was watching Delphi. “Family is the best thing.”
“Yes.” And to Hattie, Delphi was family.
Not Erica. Anna felt a stab of sadness, but knew it wasn’t her place to interfere.
“What you’ve done to this place is fantastic and I couldn’t feel more Christmassy if Santa dropped in for a visit.
I have that same feeling that I used to have when visiting Santa. ”
“Good.” Hattie stretched out her hands toward the fire. “But that isn’t why you chose to come here, is it?”
“No.” Anna tried to shift her position without waking Delphi. “It was Erica’s choice.”
“And she chose it because of me.”
“So it would seem. Although I didn’t know that at the time.”
Hattie was frowning. “Why now? Why wait twenty-eight years to get in touch?”
“Twenty-eight years?” Shock made Anna respond without thinking. “She only found out about you recently—” She stopped talking, feeling suddenly disloyal.
Hattie stared at her. “She didn’t know about me? Is that true?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because I’ve known about Erica—although I didn’t know that was her name—all my life. My father was always honest about his past.”
Now it was Anna’s turn to stare. How honest? It was hardly a pretty story. Had he painted himself as some sort of wounded hero?
She wished she’d never started this conversation. What if she revealed something Erica would rather have kept private?
It was strange, Anna thought, to think that Hattie and Erica were related. Strange to think about all the years that they’d lived parallel lives, never intersecting. But they’d intersected now, and that was going to have consequences.
She tried to be tactful. “I think a conversation is needed, but between you and Erica.”
“We’re planning to talk later, although I have no idea what the outcome will be.
If she didn’t know about me until recently, then I’m starting to understand why it would have been an adjustment.
This was helpful, thank you.” Hattie stood up.
“I hope you still have a chance to discuss books, whether it is here or somewhere else. I envy you that.”
Anna hoped it was going to be here. She couldn’t think of anywhere more perfect to spend a week. If Erica wanted to leave, then of course she’d leave, but that didn’t stop her hoping they’d be staying.
“You obviously love books.” She glanced at the bookshelves, which were crammed with everything from leather-bound classics and travel guides to paperback novels.
There was something for everyone, including a book she’d already bought Pete for Christmas.
“You don’t belong to a book club? This would be the perfect place to hold it. Or maybe in the bookstore.”
“The town has a book club, but the bookstore doesn’t have a room big enough to accommodate everyone. I’ve invited them to use this room for their meeting on Wednesday. Hopefully, that will work out and we can make it a regular thing.”
“You’re not part of that group?”
“No. Mostly because I don’t have time to read the book before the meetings, which makes me feel as if I’m failing at yet another thing. It’s more pressure.”
“And you already have plenty of that.”
“It’s been a difficult few years. I should check Erica and Claudia have what they need—” Hattie paused in the doorway. “If Delphi wakes up—”
“Then we’ll come and find you.”
“I’m sure you have a million things you’d rather do than babysit my daughter.”
“I really don’t,” Anna said. “Snuggled up here in your cozy library with a Christmas tree, a log fire, all these books and Delphi—that’s as close to bliss as it comes for me.”
“In that case, I’ll go and finish my jobs and then come back for her.” Hattie paused. “You and Erica should eat dinner in the restaurant this evening. You must be hungry after your journey.”
“Would you join us?” Anna hoped Erica wouldn’t kill her for issuing the invitation. “No pressure, obviously. I don’t want it to feel awkward.”
“Thanks, but I have to put Delphi to bed and settle her down. Fortunately, our private rooms are just off the main hallway so I’m always available if needed, but it’s the part of the day I try and keep just for her.”
Anna remembered doing the same. She remembered days when she’d been so frazzled that she couldn’t wait for them to fall asleep, and days when the twins had been so adorable and endearing, and warm and cuddly from their bath, that she lay down in the bedroom with them and just watched them, the love she felt for them almost too big for her body.
“Sometimes that’s great, and sometimes it’s exhausting, and the best part of the evening is the glass of wine you treat yourself to afterward. ”
Hattie laughed. “Something like that. Oh, by the way, you said that Delphi had told you what she wanted for Christmas. Can you help me out with that?”
Anna thought about what the little girl had said. “That’s tricky, because she made me promise to keep it a secret. But trust me, it’s not something you can buy in a store so don’t worry.”
“I am worried! If she writes to Santa and asks for it, it’s not going to arrive, is it?”
Anna thought about what she’d seen earlier. “You never know. It might.”
“It wasn’t to do with her dad, was it?”
“No,” Anna said softly. “It wasn’t.”
“She was so young when he died, she has no real memory of him. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.” Hattie gave a forced smile. “Anyway, thanks. It was good talking to you, Anna.”
“Good talking to you, too.”
Change, Anna thought, had a lot to answer for. But in the end everyone had to find a way to deal with it.
And that included her.