29. Lydia
29
LYDIA
I didn’t need Miles. I didn’t need a man. I could do this all by myself. I knew I could. Mom did it. Why couldn’t I? Except I hated myself right now.
I was alone, and every time I tried to look at my feet, I couldn’t see them because there was a baby in the way.
Miles’s baby. And no matter how hard I tried, I could not seem to let go of that fact. I hated him and I was having his baby.
I was such a screwup. How was I supposed to get anything done when I couldn’t even do this right?
Leaning on the counter, I stared at the lobby and the empty fireplace that desperately needed to be cleaned out before I started using it for the season, and it was chilly enough that I could start using it any day now. Only bending over anymore was a bit more complicated with the baby in the way. Maybe I should call Tony and see if I could hire him to clean it out.
People loved fireplaces in the late fall. They were cozy and took the chill away. There was nothing that was going to take the chill that had settled on my heart away. I was doomed to be alone, me and this old building.
Maybe I was too harsh and quick to judge when it came to selling this place, but there was no way I could let it go. No way.
The door opened and a smiling, laughing couple came in.
I pressed my hands down on my sweatshirt, as if I could smooth away the dreary, worn feeling of my existence by smoothing out the wrinkles on the front of my shirt.
They were happy and smiling and laughing, and so distracted by each other that I almost burst into tears while checking them in. It didn’t seem fair that they could be so happy while I was so miserable.
I held out the key to the man. “I can show you to your room and how the heater works.”
“Radiators?” he asked.
I nodded.
“We live in an old walk-up. We know how radiators work, but thanks.” He took the key.
I watched them head up the stairs and as they disappeared from view, I had one thought that moved into my mind and took up residence.
I picked up my phone and immediately called Evie.
“Answer the phone,” I said as it continued to ring. “Answer the…”
“Hi, you’ve reached Evie,” her voicemail started.
“No,” I complained as I listened to the rest of the message.
Beep.
“Evie, I’m desperate. Tell me not to call Miles.”
I disconnected the call, not sure what else to tell her, not sure there was anything else to tell her. As soon as she got the message, she would know I needed an intervention.
Maybe she would have an idea about what would distract me, keep me focused on my goal. I practically didn’t even know what my goal was anymore.
Most of the time, I simply thought about what I needed to get through the day so that I could finally put my feet up and rest. This kid was sucking all the extra energy out of my very soul. I ran a hand over the baby bump. The baby was asleep now, which meant by the time I was ready to curl up in bed, it would wake up and start doing its gymnastics routine.
It would have been fun to share that with Miles. He would have pressed his ear against my stomach and listened, and then he would have kissed my stomach, as if the gesture could travel through my skin and he could kiss the baby. But that was a different Miles, and that was a beautiful daydream. It was not my reality. In my reality, the Miles I thought I knew didn’t exist.
“What do you mean? You’re going to call him?” Evie burst through the front door and into the lobby.
I knew she would come as soon as she heard the message.
“I’m thinking crazy thoughts,” I admitted. “I need you to tell me that I don’t need him.”
“You do not need that man,” she said.
“Yeah, but—” I started.
“You do not need him. You do not want him. He lied to you, Lydia.”
“I was so mean the last time he was here,” I whined.
“Telling a trespasser to get out of your building is not mean, Lydia.”
“Maybe I should have?—”
“Lydia, stop it.” She crossed the lobby and stepped behind the counter to where I was. She took my hand and led me back out to the couch and made me sit down.
“You don’t need to be nice to him. He lied. He pretended to be somebody he wasn’t.” She reminded me. “He tried to threaten you with a lawyer because he’s scared. He knows he messed up, and he knows you have the power over him because that’s his baby.”
I pressed my palms against the sides of my stomach and looked down.
“What am I gonna do?”
“What we’re going to do,” Evie announced as she stood up, “is eat pizza and watch movies.”
“I’ve got to be here,” I said, gesturing at the front desk over my shoulder.
“There’s no reason you can’t set up your television in the lobby. And I’ll order pizza.”
“But my guests,” I started.
“Your guests have televisions in their own rooms. They don’t need to join our pity party. They can order their own pizza if it seems like a good idea to them.”
“Maybe we should wait until Mrs. Griffin?—”
“We are not waiting a couple of days when you clearly need carbs, and ice cream, and action romance movies where the hero kicks butt and the girl gets the guy.”
She was right. I needed something to change my outlook now, and not when it would fit better into my work schedule.
“Can we have chocolate ice cream?” I asked.
“We can get whatever flavor they have down at the IGA,” she claimed.
“Then I definitely want chocolate with chocolate sauce and whipped cream and maybe some maraschino cherries.”
“Why don’t we have banana splits while we’re at it?” Evie suggested.
Banana splits and pizza sounded like a very good idea to me.
“Why don’t you get the pizza and get your TV and set it up in here while I go to the grocery store and get everything we need for banana splits? That way, you can stay here in case any of your guests need you.”
I agreed with her plan, and we both jumped into action almost immediately. I ordered two pizzas, one with her favorite toppings and one with mine. While we both loved pizza, I never could quite get behind having pineapple on it. Evie thought adding pineapple and banana peppers made the pizza even better.
I stood in front of the TV pointing the remote at it, trying to find what would be a good movie for us to start with, when Evie walked in the door, carrying a couple of bags of groceries.
“I have a question for you,” she said.
“Shoot,” I responded.
“Dessert first or pizza first?”
“That is a very good question,” I said.
My stomach started to gurgle with anticipation of having a fancy banana split, and the thought was more appealing to my tongue at the moment than the thought of pizza actually was.
“I don’t see why we can’t start with a small banana split before having pizza. And we can end the evening with a second banana split if that’s what we really want to do.”
“Go wild with those thoughts,” Evie said.
“There are no rules when it comes to eating pizza and ice cream,” I said. “If we want to have an ice cream appetizer, followed by a multi-course pizza meal, and wrap the evening up with more ice cream and then some potato chips, I don’t see why we can’t.”
“Are you planning on having any of that with a side of pickles?” Evie teased.
I crinkled up my face in a grimace. “Ew, no.”
I didn’t like pickles, and it seemed to be everyone’s favorite joke to ask me if I was suddenly having weird cravings for anything with pickles. Were pregnant women supposed to like pickles? I didn’t understand it, and I wasn’t having any weird cravings. I didn’t consider having a banana split as being particularly strange and unusual. It seemed more like the kind of thing one would eat for a celebration. And in this case, as a distraction.
Evie was trying to keep my mind away from thinking anything about Miles, which was hard. I thought about him entirely too often, only I didn’t admit that to her. Evie knew about the harder days when I didn’t know if my resolve would hold firm. I needed her to help to keep my mind occupied and not think self-destructive thoughts of calling him.
I still couldn’t get that image of the last time I saw Miles out of my mind. He had been so angry with me, and I absolutely hated that I thought I hated him at that moment.
I didn’t know if I hated Miles. I didn’t know if I could. I just knew that I couldn’t be with someone like him. He had lied so effectively. He had hidden who he really was and was planning on cheating me out of my home. Even knowing all of that, I missed him.