Chapter 10
Long after dark, Vanessa was still floating from her afternoon with Ben, still replaying their conversations and laughing
at the way they had been talking about her sad story one minute and singing Christmas songs to the Harvest coffeehouse the
next. Like they were a couple of traveling performers.
Every time she caught a glimpse of herself in the living room mirror, she was smiling. Even with things not quite right with
Sadie.
Vanessa wasn’t sure exactly what to make of her feelings. She and Ben had only spent a handful of days together in person.
Still, he was all she could think about. They were getting together again tomorrow, and she could hardly wait.
The leftover lasagna sat back in the fridge, and Vanessa was about to text Sadie when she heard the front door open.
“Sorry I’m late!” Sadie sounded as happy as Vanessa. She shut the door and rounded the corner to the kitchen. “Mom, I promise I’ll be around more! Ella’s mom wanted to have me over for dinner before the holidays. But now”—Sadie flung her arms open—“I’m all yours!”
For the first time since Sadie had been home, things felt normal. Vanessa hugged her and thought for a moment. She needed
to talk to Sadie, but maybe it was better if they had a little fun first. “Should we make Grandma’s sugar cookies?”
“Should we?” Sadie grinned. “We have to! It’s tradition!” She kept her arm around Vanessa. “And then let’s watch White Christmas. We can’t miss that.”
“We won’t miss it.” Vanessa’s heart took flight. Everything was going to be all right with Sadie. She was suddenly sure of it.
They found the flour and vanilla, the sugar and baking soda and salt, and Sadie pulled a pound of butter from the fridge.
“Let’s make lots.” She looked at Vanessa. “Then we can take some to Hudson’s mom.”
“I love it. Maria and Leigh, too.” Vanessa found a large mixing bowl and set it on the counter. “Leigh will be expecting a
plate. You know she will.”
They both laughed, rolled up their sleeves, and got to work. Vanessa played a list of Christmas oldies. She and Sadie sang
along.
When the dough was mixed, they separated it into four balls. “That way the flour and butter stay blended.” Sadie raised her
brow. “I never forget these things, Mom. You taught me well.”
They worked with one of the dough balls, using a rolling pin and parchment paper to make it the perfect thickness. “You pick out the shapes.” Vanessa nodded to the baking cupboard. “They’re on the top shelf.”
Sadie brought the bag down and opened it. “Let’s both pick.” She pulled a Christmas tree and star from the mix.
“I like that idea.” Vanessa dusted her hands off and chose a Santa and a reindeer.
“Hey.” It was Sadie’s turn. “How about this heart?”
Again, Vanessa felt like she’d been caught. “The heart?”
“Sure.” Sadie smiled at her. “Because love is always a part of Christmas.”
“Love is. True.” Don’t overreact. “Jesus was the greatest gift of love.”
“Exactly.” Sadie set the heart with the other cookie cutters. “Love has always been at the middle of our Christmases, Mom.
Hudson and I were talking about that earlier.” She arranged the shapes. “I FaceTimed him at Ella’s house.”
“How is he?” Vanessa was happy to move the talk to Hudson. She certainly couldn’t talk about Ben in the midst of a conversation
about love.
Sadie’s smile faded. “I don’t know where they are, but he was down, Mom. Our call ended with sirens going off.” She took the
heart shape and pressed it into the dough. “That’s happened before, but it just seems worse. I don’t know.”
Vanessa studied her daughter, the fear gathered at the corners of her eyes. “Let’s pray for him. Right now.”
For a moment Sadie looked like a little girl again. She reached out her hands, and Vanessa took hold of them. “I’d love that.”
Her prayer was short and to the point. Vanessa asked God to send His guardian angels to surround Hudson wherever he was tonight, whatever mission he was working on.
“Hudson is a soldier, and soldiers are always in danger, Lord.” Vanessa paused.
“But we trust You with Hudson. Be with him. That’s all we ask of You. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
They were quiet, making cookie shapes and setting them on the baking sheet. Vanessa wondered if her thoughts were the same
as Sadie’s. Praying for the soldiers they loved did not guarantee them safe travels or perfect protection from danger. But
talking to God about Hudson did assure them of the one thing that mattered most.
God would be with Sadie’s young soldier as He had been with Alan.
Right up until his final breath.
They made four dozen cookies, many of them hearts, and frosted them with a homemade icing and every kind of red-and-green
sprinkles. When the kitchen seemed covered in Christmas cookies, they changed into cozy pajamas and curled up under a blanket
in the living room.
White Christmas was one of their favorite movies no matter what time of year. And of course it was, since it involved soldiers and the burden
of far-off battles. They sipped hot chocolate and Sadie laid her head on Vanessa’s shoulder as the movie came to an end.
This was all Vanessa had wanted since her daughter walked through the door a few nights ago.
That the two of them would find again the connection they’d shared since Sadie was born.
The one that had been especially close since Alan died.
“You’re all I have, Mom,” Sadie had told her in the months after they laid Alan to rest. “You’re my best friend. ”
When the credits finished, Vanessa flipped the screen to a cozy Christmas village with instrumental holiday tunes. She turned
the volume down and shifted so she was looking at Sadie. “The ending gets better every time.”
“It does.” Sadie blinked back tears. “When he sees all his old soldiers gathered around to thank him, all I can see is Daddy.
I wish that could have been his story. Living long enough to be celebrated by all the men he helped through the years.”
“Sort of like when we watched Scrooge.” Vanessa ran her hand over Sadie’s hair. “You said Daddy knows the difference he made helping people through the years.”
“Yes.” Sadie seemed to think about that. “In heaven right now there are so many soldiers Dad helped. Men who didn’t make it . . .
just like him.”
“I miss him.” Vanessa meant it. Never mind how she was falling for Ben Miller. She would always miss Alan.
“I miss him, too.” Sadie looked at the Christmas tree, at the photo ornaments that marked the branches.
“You know . . .” Vanessa smiled. “Your dad would do it all over again if he had to . . . That was him. Wired to help the hurting. Not just that, but to pray with them.” Vanessa hadn’t thought about this for a long time.
“After a long deployment, your dad would come home and tell me about the guys he’d treated who weren’t going to make it.
He didn’t just give them first aid, Sadie girl.
He would tell them about Jesus.” Vanessa paused.
“He would ask them to cry out to the Lord for the only healing that lasts. The one that leads to salvation. And the men would do that.”
The two of them reveled in that picture for a long moment. The man they loved, leading mortally wounded soldiers to the heart
of God in their final minutes. Picturing that filled them with a joy that overpowered their sadness.
After the moment passed, Sadie talked about her classes and how at Reinhardt she’d taken photos of sporting events and concerts.
“I have a gift for it, Mama. I really do.”
“Of course you do.” Vanessa smiled at her. “Can you show me?”
And Sadie did. She pulled up one photo after another, and she was right. “You’re so talented, honey. We wouldn’t want a girl
who can take photos like this wasting away in the wrong classes, now would we?”
They both laughed, an easy sort of laugh that assured Vanessa again that everything was going to be okay between them. Which
meant . . . maybe this was the time to bring up Ben. “I’ve been trying to talk to you about something since you got home.
But we’ve both been busy.”
Sadie straightened and looked at her, curious. “I’m here now.” Her voice was kind. “Tell me.”
“Right. Well . . .” There was no turning back. “I was wondering, honey. What would you think if I started . . . you know,
seeing someone?”
“Seeing someone?” Her daughter looked baffled. “Like a therapist?”
Maybe this was a bad idea. Vanessa shook her head. “No. Not like that.” She paused. “I mean, what would you think if I started dating?”
The words felt like sandpaper on Vanessa’s tongue. She regretted them immediately.
“What?” Sadie stared at her and then pushed the blanket off her lap. She stood, her face frozen. A frustrated laugh came from
her. “You and I have the best night and then . . . I sure wasn’t expecting this.”
Vanessa wanted a do-over. Anything to take her words back. “I just thought if we—”
“What about Dad? Have you thought about him?” Sadie paced to the tree, putting more space between them.
Shock came over Vanessa. She stood and walked to Sadie. “Of course I’ve thought about him. I wanted to live my whole life
with your father. But at a certain point . . .” She put her hand on Sadie’s shoulder.
But her daughter pulled away.
“Sadie.”
“No.” She studied Vanessa’s face. “Are you asking? Or are you already seeing someone?”
“Well, that’s what—”
“I can’t do this.” Sadie stepped back. “Look, Mom, do what you want. I don’t want to talk about it. Not now.” She held up
one hand and turned to leave.
“Sadie, I thought we could just talk about it.” Vanessa moved to follow her but then stopped.
Sadie looked over her shoulder as she walked away. “I can’t do this tonight. I’m tired.”
“Honey, I’m sorry . . . I didn’t want . . .”
“It’s okay. I’m fine. Just tired.” And with that, Sadie left the room.
Vanessa felt fresh tears well in her eyes. After the beautiful night they’d shared, Sadie’s reaction told Vanessa one thing.