13. Angels are assholes. #3
All right. I could handle the discussion like a mature adult.
I would not laugh. I would not, under any circumstance, laugh.
I wouldn’t giggle, either. “That is not something I hear every day. I think I need a new life. Have you thought about running away? Once I cash the check in my wallet, I think I can get us anywhere. Ever been to Hawaii?”
I would not laugh, I would not laugh, I would not laugh. I really wanted to laugh.
Quinn’s sigh broke me, and choking on a giggle, I ran into the bathroom and fished his phone out of the toilet. I set it on the vanity and washed my hands so the running water would cover my mirth.
“Hawaii is too easy to reach. Someone might find us. It’s not that funny, but you’re welcome to come laugh in my face if you want. I’m not the one she wants to sleep with. She wants to have babies with you.”
I collapsed against the sink and giggled until I cried. “I’m so sorry. Panama?”
“Also easy to reach.”
“Timbuktu?”
“That’s a bit more remote. I’ll think about it.”
It took me several minutes to regain any semblance of control. “Quinn, your ex-wife wants to have babies with me, your girlfriend. Me, your girlfriend.”
“You make it sound really bad when you say it that way, Bailey.”
I straightened, wrapped Quinn’s broken phone in a towel, and brought it from the bathroom, presenting it to him. “I think it needs a funeral.”
“You even gave it a funerary shroud.” Quinn unwrapped his phone, sighed, and set it and the towel on the nightstand. “That’s the second one this month.”
“What happened to the other one?”
“It had an accident.”
“A Quinn-created accident?”
“That phone’s death was entirely your fault. If you hadn’t almost died in a shitty hotel, I wouldn’t have thrown my phone.”
“You need to stop throwing your phones, Quinn. That’s a bad habit.” I sat on the edge of the bed at his feet and gave his leg a slap. “There’s only one question left.”
“I’m not sure I want to know what this question is.”
“Who would be the father?”
“I was right. I didn’t want to know what the question was. In fact, I don’t want my now-a-gorgon ex-wife anywhere near you, my girlfriend. I definitely don’t want two gorgons near you, my girlfriend.”
There was only one way it could possibly get any worse, which meant I needed to tell him. “Unless she wants you to be the male gorgon.”
“Bailey Gardener, that is the most fucked up thing I have ever heard you say. Worse, she was crazy before she became a gorgon, so you might be right.”
Since I’d already taken one dive into horrible, disgusting yet hilarious waters, what was one more? “Since I’m immune to gorgons, if you become a gorgon, would you still need a female gorgon, or could we make all your little gorgon babies without help?”
I was a terrible person for laughing, thus earning being kicked off the bed. I hit the carpet and rolled, clutching my sides.
“You just had to go there, didn’t you? You really had to go there.”
“I-it’s important,” I choked out.
So much for not laughing.
“Becoming Audrey’s gorgon plaything is not on my list of things to do before I die.
However, if you’re offering to become the mother of my little babies, I’m definitely interested in hearing your offer.
How much practice do you think we need? Do I have to marry you before we practice some more? It’s important.”
I laughed so hard I cried. “I’m not sure I could handle you as a gorgon. Gorgons have breeding seasons and become sex fiends. I’m not sure it would be possible to contain you if you have an enhanced sex drive. This is a very serious issue, Samuel Quinn.”
“I’m so glad you find this situation so funny.”
I howled my laughter. “I can’t help it your ex-wife wants to have babies with your girlfriend. And I thought I had the worst luck.”
“You’re never going to let this go, are you?”
“Depends. Will I have to compete with a gorgon harem to keep you? If so, damned straight I’m never going to let this go.”
“Are you going to kill me if I tell you that I find your jealousy very attractive?”
“Oh, good. Then you’ll be turned on when I get around to scolding you for running off with my ex-boss.” I giggled, got to my knees, and peered over the edge of the tall bed. “That really did piss me off. She left me on the worst day shift ever.”
“Ironically, I was asking her for relationship advice.”
My brain slammed on the brakes. My train of thought plummeted right off a cliff. “You what?” Was Quinn trying to kill me with laughter? “What sort of idiot asks a faery high on pixie dust for relationship advice?”
“I never said she was high on pixie dust.”
“Quinn, she’s a faery. She owns a pixie dust shop. She’s always high on pixie dust. That’s a given.”
“Fine. Yes, I did.”
Could I actually laugh to death? If I could, I would find out soon enough at the rate I was going. “How did that work out for you?”
“I should be mad you’re laughing so hard over this.”
“You asked a faery high on pixie dust for relationship advice. Expecting me not to laugh is unreasonable.”
Quinn sighed. “The worst part about this? You’re right. To answer your question, I got a twenty-minute lecture on the qualities of the best coffees in the city. Then she told me I’d have better luck if I slept with a cactus instead.”
Poor, poor Quinn. I winced. “Ouch.”
“She then suggested I should sit on the cactus so I might fully enjoy the experience, as that was the perfect reflection of her opinion regarding my relationship choices.”
While Mary could be an epic-level bitch, the type to abandon an employee on a busy day, I never would have dreamed she would come up with something quite so rude and say it to Quinn’s face. “Wow. That was harsh.”
“She also laughed for five whole minutes. I know because I timed it.”
I needed to know, even if Quinn got mad at me for asking. “What relationship advice did you ask her for?”
“I asked, and I quote, ‘Do you think it’s possible to convince Bailey to go on a date with me?’”
That explained a lot. Oh, boy, did it explain a lot. “I think you might have had an easier time with the cactus, Quinn. I’ve never been on a date in my life.”
Quinn laughed. “You kept running away every time I tried to talk to you. That’s not my fault. Do you have any idea how much I spent on coffees just for a chance to see you? I needed the light hit of dust to get over my daily dose of rejection.”
“That is so sad. Pathetic, even.”
The Plaza had nice, fluffy pillows, and Quinn introduced my face to one. “It gets better. I almost asked her what it would take to get you to sleep with me instead. If I had, I’m not sure she would have survived. I would have killed her. She would have died from laughing at me.”
“That’s really desperate. And coming from me, that’s pretty pathetic.” I took the pillow before he could smack me with it again. “Really pathetic.”
“Look at it from my shoes! If I had known I’d end up falling in love with the woman I hired to prove my wife was cheating on me, I would have just complained about Audrey’s infidelity to an incubus and waited for the sex tapes to show up.
I had no idea you’d actually catch her in the act in Central Park.
And you were right. Her technique was atrocious. ”
“Wow.” I needed a lot of time to process his words.
I got stuck on ‘falling in love’ and the rest slipped in one ear and right out the other.
It took me several tries to comprehend everything else he had said.
“That should be on a warning label for women across the world: cheat at own risk. Scorned men may jumpstart your career in adult entertainment. Bonus: you’ll debut with an incubus. ”
“I don’t share. Maybe I should have warned you about that before sleeping with you. I don’t handle a few other things well, but I really can’t tolerate cheating.”
“Does watching me kick a gorgon’s ass count as something you don’t handle well?”
“Are you kidding? God, no. That was the hottest thing I’ve seen a woman do in a long time, and that’s saying a lot.
As soon as I realized you were handling the problem on your own, that is.
I think that shaved ten years off my life.
No. We’re good there. If anyone tries to touch you, I’ll pay bail if necessary, just kick their ass so hard they never forget it. ”
“He tried to use me as breeding stock, Quinn. Me!”
“I’m pretty sure everyone within a mile heard you. You were fantastic. I thought you were going to cut his balls off and feed them to him for a while there.”
“Didn’t have a knife.”
“That’s a pity. He deserved it. He’s lucky I hadn’t been there, because I’d be in jail right now. They would have been picking up body parts blocks away if I had gotten my hands on him.”
“You being in jail would make certain things very difficult. I think I can afford your bail now at least. I’d pay your bail bill.”
“And you call me insatiable.”
“It’s your fault. You’re Manhattan’s Most Wanted Bachelor.”
“One day people will realize a divorced man can’t be a bachelor.”
“You know what, Quinn? I’m done talking for right now. Shut up and kiss me.”