9. Violence isn’t a problem. #2
After witnessing Beauty’s abandonment of reality the instant she opened the cookbook, I had no doubt she told the truth. “Is there anything your brother would like that he’s too absorbed in reading to pick up for himself?”
She pointed towards the toy section.
Of course.
Foolish me.
“All right. Pick two toys he’ll like and two toys you want.” Two each would somewhat limit the damage they could do to my wallet.
With a delighted squeal that proved I was, in actuality, caring for a child, Beauty ran for the toy section.
Yep. I was doomed.
Beauty went from dignified to boisterous and indecisive, which earned me the stares of the few parents on late-night outings with their children.
I kept a close eye on her, and when one of the bolder children approached her, a toddler who insisted his fingers were edible, I kept a close eye on the pair and the adults watching.
The toddler grabbed a fluffy white unicorn from the rack of stuffed animals and announced, “Fluffy.”
Oh boy. Of all the stuffed animals on the rack, which ranged from dragons to even gorgons, the toddler had to pick the unicorn.
Beauty stared at me, her eyes widening.
“It’s okay,” I promised. “If you’re not sure you’ll be okay without your glasses, put them on.”
She did, and she giggled. “She’s very fluffy.”
The toddler nodded and hugged the unicorn before holding it out to Beauty. “Fluffy.”
A rattled mother stepped to my side, her face a bright red. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “He’s always doing this. He still doesn’t understand how money works, and I try to tell him he can’t just give toys in a store to other kids.”
“It’s no problem.”
Beauty took the unicorn and stared at me for guidance.
“If you want to buy the unicorn, you can buy the unicorn,” I promised.
Bailey would have a territory dispute with the fluffy white unicorn, but I’d cross that bridge when I got there.
I glanced at the toddler’s mother, and I almost chuckled at her harried expression.
“Would he like a unicorn, too? There’s two. ”
She stared at me as though I’d grown a second head. “You don’t have to do that, really. I mean, he loves stuffed animals, but it’s not necessary, but thank you.”
I chuckled. “While it’s not necessary, your son’s quite brave and kind. That deserves recognition. Beauty, why don’t you pick up the second unicorn for your new friend? We’ll go to the cashier and buy them now, and then you can pick out another toy and toys for your brother later.”
“That’s really not necessary, I mean, you—”
“It’s quite all right. She’s still young, and young gorgons need to learn how to interact with others.”
“Damien, introduce yourself,” the mother suggested, and her expression relaxed.
The toddler stuffed his fingers in his mouth and mumbled something. Beauty picked up the second unicorn, and like he had to her, she offered it to him before she announced, “I’m Beauty.”
Somehow, I managed to herd Beauty and the toddler to the registers, although the woman had to scan Beauty’s twice as the little boy refused to let go of his new fluffy white unicorn.
If all humans could be like little Damien, the world would be a better place. I only mourned for the reality of having to teach Beauty and her brother that not all people were as kind as the little toddler with more courage than most adults.
Bailey
While I couldn’t catch a break, I could catch colds like a champ, and within an hour of my adventure across the snowy mountain, I began sniffling.
“Seriously, Bailey? Already? That’s not how colds work. It takes a few days for a cold to incubate. You can’t just go outside and develop a cold within an hour.”
I sneezed, which startled Quinn’s kitten into hissing. She looked me over, likely debating if she could eat me with her sharp kitten teeth, decided I wasn’t satisfying enough prey, and went back to sleep, treating my lap like her throne. “It works like that for unicorns.”
“Since when?”
“Since now.”
“Bailey, that’s not how colds work.”
“I probably already had the cold, but my immune system likes camping out when I get too cold as a unicorn. Ask Quinn. And I’ve been taking so much neutralizer lately I will probably need another damned trip to the hospital. My immune system sucks.”
“Neutralizer is a double-edged sword at times. Too much of a good thing can easily become a bad thing. You still have to do the rabies treatment. Maybe it’ll help with the cold.”
I shook my head. “Stupid unicorn body. All extra neutralizer does is make it worse.”
“That makes zero sense. Neutralizer can treat colds.”
“Not my colds. My colds are awful, terrible, wretched little beasts.”
“Are you sure they’re colds?”
“What else would they be?”
“Divine punishment for being such a badass.”
I shot a glare at Perkette. “No. They’re demented colds.”
“Maybe a strain neutralizer can’t touch?”
“Or they’re unicorn colds and neutralizer wasn’t made for unicorns.”
“That’s actually a sound theory,” she admitted. “Although I didn’t know unicorns could get colds.”
“I can, and I’m a unicorn.”
“Only part of the time.”
“At least you didn’t say I’m not a real unicorn. That’s what the CDC goons usually tell me.”
“Anyone who can force a transformation back to human shape following a full dose of transformative is a real unicorn. I bet you could shapeshift to a unicorn without the need for a transformative. You just have to figure out how, just like you figured out how to shift back. And don’t tell me that’s impossible.
Your husband wanders around looking like a human when he’s a what, again? ”
“He’s my doohickey.”
“Your doohickey has highly venomous snakes that bite. You can keep your doohickey. I value my life.”
“They’re not bad. It just stings a little.”
“Bailey, if one of Sam’s cobras bit me, without the right antivenin, I would be dead within thirty minutes. Faster depending on the toxicity of his cobras—and gorgon venom tends to be potent. For his bites to only sting a little? That immunity alone ranks you high enough to deserve your new job.”
I didn’t want to think about my unexpected promotion to police chief. “Fine. My immunities are a little ridiculous. The CDC stopped making me do toxicity evaluations after their last ambrosia test. Quinn flipped.”
“Bailey, you were on an entirely different planet for a week after that test. It took a dumpster, another case of rabies, and a round of neutralizer to snap you out of it. Of course he flipped. Everyone who knows you was flipping. You were awake but nobody was home.”
I barely remembered anything about the testing, and unable to argue with her, I shrugged. “If I can become a unicorn without transformatives, I have no idea how to do it.”
“We could experiment.”
“No.”
“That was a rather immediate and harsh no. I’m hurt.”
I snorted at that. “You have feelings?”
“I feel like you have been learning from Arthur. This is entirely unfair.”
“Perkette, you’re a mad scientist. When it comes to things of scientific interest, you’re evil. Pure evil. Frankly, I’m astonished Quinn doesn’t mind when I run away with you.”
“No one screws with a mad scientist. I might build a lair, attach lasers to sharks, and take over the world while seeking revenge.”
My eyes widened. She would. With the right resources, she’d try. “That’s terrifying.”
“It really is. All right. Do we have reception yet? You need to report your kitten to the CDC and make arrangements for a permit. While she’s not a lion, tiger, or other really big cat, she’s an uncommon large cat species. She’s not an endangered species, but they’re not exactly common, either.”
“That’s something. I’m not sure I could handle getting the permit needed for an actual endangered species.”
“I’d like to remind you that you’re an endangered species.”
Technically, cindercorns were endangered—critically so.
There weren’t many places left in the world they could thrive, and humans encroached on where they could live, transforming active volcanoes and deserts into tourist attractions.
The conflict between the large predators and mankind ensured the black and red unicorns dwindled each year.
Hawaii and Iceland both had cindercorn populations, but both groups dwindled a little more each year.
If the current projections were accurate, I’d be the last one within ten years, and I wasn’t a true cindercorn. I sighed. “Critically endangered, at that.”
“It makes me wonder if unicorns have been right under our noses the whole time, but like you, they’re only found when exposed to the right drug. Could it be cindercorns aren’t as endangered as we believe, but that, like you, they are only discovered in the right circumstances?”
“According to the general DNA tests, I am, unfortunately, my parents’ child.”
Perkette snorted. “And when you’re under the influence of ambrosia, nobody knows who the hell your parents are, except you have a grandparent who is a divine. I remember you ranting over how you think the test results are stupid and wrong.”
“It’s biologically impossible for someone to be two people at one time. Ambrosia completely rewrites my DNA.”
“Well, ambrosia is the essence of a divine, Bailey. Perhaps it’s showing us who you actually are.”
“My mother was most certainly pregnant with me, and my father? Don’t get me started on my father’s opinion of me. These are people who dumped me with gorgons hoping I’d become a garden statue and forever disappear.”
“Arthur told me all about your encounter with them when you married Sam. They’re assholes. No one is disputing that.”
“So, they’re unfortunately my parents.”
“View them as annoying hosts.”
“Are you calling me a parasite?”
Perkette thought about that for long enough I was tempted to throttle her. I kept my hands to myself so she wouldn’t crash the SUV. “Beneficial for you, not beneficial for them, so I guess I am. I’d be sorry about that, but I like you and I don’t like them. Sure. You’re a most excellent parasite.”