15. There’s hope for you after all.
FIFTEEN
There’s hope for you after all.
Bailey
Perkette offered me the bucket of napalm, which I devoured while she sorted my tack.
I stopped eating long enough for her to strap my bridle into place before she went to work on the saddle.
I ignored her work, eager to devour the spicy gel before someone came to their senses and decided to take it away from me.
My grandfather-in-law stood nearby, the kitten cradled in his arm while Blizzard sat on his foot. “Tiffany, as you are far less durable than my little granddaughter, do make sure you take care. Let her be the one to run head-long into danger while you stay back and cover her back.”
“When an angel says I should mind my own business, even I’m smart enough to listen,” my friend muttered.
“There’s hope for you after all.”
Tiffany sighed. “You’re right, Bailey. Angels are assholes.”
I paused long enough to whinny a laugh before chomping at my napalm.
“No one is going to take your napalm, little granddaughter. You can take your time with it and enjoy your treat.”
I loved how the angel understood I chowed down on my life’s true ambrosia.
“She loves napalm second only to her Samuel,” the angel announced.
I swished my tail at that.
Tiffany chuckled and tightened the cinch. “Yes she does. And Sam loves all of his cops, even the pain in the ass ones, so even if Bailey wasn’t already the founding member of Janet’s fan club, she’d be itching to retrieve her personally. Janet’s all right for now?”
“For now. I’m not allowed to interfere beyond that.
Helping you watch the furry children doesn’t count as interfering, either.
Nor does dealing with the transportation of your vehicle.
” The angel glared at the SUV. “I’m quite tempted to teleport it to Las Vegas, as I rather do dislike cramming my wings into one of those… things.”
I whinnied a laugh and licked the bucket clean. “No care how you get to Vay-gus. Just no hurt kit-ten and pup-pers.”
“The kitten and puppy will be safe with me, as will your neutralizer stash.” Sylvester shook out his wings. “Your rather impressive and perhaps unnecessary stash.”
“We were worried about a rabies outbreak,” Tiffany mumbled. “It could happen.”
“But it won’t. That is already written in the stars, and is a matter of the past. I am allowed to say that much. It will come in useful, but you didn’t need that much. I recommend five pounds.”
“I was bringing ten. I can make her another batch of napalm with the five extra pounds.”
“That would be one way to handle the situation. Perhaps you should take fifteen pounds in case she needs a larger napalm snack. She does so enjoy her napalm snacks.”
I pawed the bucket in search of even a drop of napalm, and I whined my disappointment when my search proved futile. “No more nay-palm. Is all gone. Why is it all gone?”
“It’s gone because you ate it, little granddaughter. You have the weapons, Tiffany?” Sylvester asked, his tone amused.
My friend hesitated before replying, “I could use a pocket knife, a box cutter, and a sharpie.”
Sylvester held out his hand and the three requested items appeared, landing on his palm with a soft thump. “By pocket knife, I assumed you meant one with extra gadgets. This one has thirty gadgets for your enjoyment.”
“So cool,” I whispered, flicking my ears forward. “What we need those for, Per-kette?”
“It’s your bomb defusing kit.”
I flattened my ears. “No need. Claws. Teeth. Eat payload.”
“I need them if I have to draw for you to figure out what you can cut and eat, Bailey.”
“I tell Perky you go play with bombs,” I threatened, daring to be the one to bring my psycho-but-lovable friend back into line.
“That’s cheating.”
“No cheat. Im-por-tant. You no play with bombs this time.”
Sylvester snickered. “The day has come, at long last, where my little granddaughter is the one being sensible. May all the angels of His heavens rejoice.”
“Syl-ves-tur mean,” I complained. “Asshole angel.”
He laughed harder. “Go on your run, little granddaughter. I’m sure my little grandson will appropriately reward you for your good deeds.”
I liked when Quinn rewarded me. Quinn liked his rewards sexy with a side dish of extra sexy. If he was particularly pleased with me, he’d shift, and I’d get to play with his serpents before he rewarded me.
Their bites only made everything better.
“You have to do the good deeds first before you’re rewarded,” the angel reminded me.
Asshole angel. I snorted, flattened my ears, and shot a thin stream of flame in his direction, careful to keep from singeing him or my pets. “You take care of my pets.”
“They’ll be perfectly safe,” he promised. “I will even take your little kitten to a mortal vet for a checkup and any care she might need while you are off rescuing your cop.”
“Okay.” I tossed my head and presented my back to Perkette. “You mount. Hold tight. We run fast.”
“What about your trail? We need that.”
Oh, right. The trail. We’d gone off the path, but I hadn’t ended the spell, either. Resetting the path wasn’t too difficult. I just needed to concentrate, throw the equivalent of a magical temper tantrum, and stomp my hooves a few times to reset it. The real work had already been done.
I stomped a hoof on the asphalt, concentrated, and snorted flame, which burst into a shower of pink, sparkling light that condensed into a trail I could follow. It didn’t follow the road as my magic typically did.
I supposed my magic understood I didn’t need to follow a road.
“I’m pretty sure that’s cheating,” Perkette muttered.
“Less whine, more ride. We ride fast.”
“Have a safe trip,” Sylvester said, stepping forward and giving my nose a brisk rub. “When things get dicey, don’t worry much. Where you go, my little grandson will always follow, even when you think it’s impossible.”
I turned my ears back at that. “You know something I don’t.”
“As always. There are reasons I’m not permitted to interfere this time.
Had someone else not already interfered, I might’ve been inclined to exercise my free will more than He likes, but I’m confident the matter is in competent hands.
Honestly, I’m having the time of my life right now. This is so gloriously convoluted.”
I tilted my head and bumped my nose against the angel’s hand, lipping at his fingers before asking, “But not good hands? Just comp-eh-tent ones?”
“Good hands wouldn’t do the job quite as well. But while I would not say the hands are good, they’re fair and competent. That’s all I would ask for in this situation. You should hurry.”
Perkette mounted, and her weight slammed onto my back. I grunted, waited until she relaxed and was confident of her seat, and bolted west in search of Janet. I hit top speed in several strides, a trick I only did when Perkette rode me, caught a beam of light, and chased the sun west.
Quinn
In the future, I’d think twice before telling someone to go to hell.
All in all, the Lord of Lies had a pretty nice home, although I found the temperature far colder than I liked.
The long hallway of dark granite with painted, vaulted ceilings, reminded me of a full cathedral, and I held my breath while taking in the artwork overhead.
“It’s like the Sistine Chapel,” I whispered.
“What can I say? I’m a masochist.”
I shot the Devil a look. “I fail to see how you receive sexual gratification from a painting.”
The Devil laughed. “I don’t, but it’s so much fun toying with my mortal guests.
Michelangelo spent time here for his sins, but rather than inflict the purest of miseries on him, I struck a bargain with him.
He would paint the ceilings of my home before I gifted him with a second chance of life. I’m an asshole like that.”
He was? I admired the ceiling even more, noting how instead of mortal man, He reached out to touch the Devil instead, depicted as a flaming incubus who shed golden light in his wake. “Is that your true form?”
“No, not quite. I’m an angel, Sam. Should he have seen my true form, it would have destroyed his soul.
I can create a likeness without this risk, but my form is not for mortal eyes.
It’s as close as a mortal can stand—for how I am now.
For all I’m considered fallen, my true form is still that of an angel.
” The Devil regarded me with a smirk. “You’d be able to withstand most of it, but it would leave you changed. ”
“Pass,” I replied.
He laughed.
“Still, I’m definitely putting in some second thoughts about telling someone to go to hell.”
“You should, especially once I’ve finished with you.
Your word will hold more sway than you anticipate,” the Devil replied.
“And anyway, if you think this is chilly, you should try the heavens sometime. The crystal road? It’s ice.
Heaven is a cold place despite mortals portraying it as a paradise,” my uncle replied, grinning at me and releasing my arm.
“As for my home? It’s called air conditioning, Sam.
I enjoy it almost as much as my wife, who likes to view the entire house as her personal freezer.
While my flames can rival that of even a star, hell isn’t all fire and brimstone.
It’s personal for every soul I claim. And despite what most believe, the punishments always fit the crimes.
For some, my hells are eternal misery. For others, it’s a mere blip before they’ve done their time and are given the choice to try life again, like Michelangelo.
Eternity isn’t as long as some like to think, and for all I think my father can be an annoying dick, He’s not always an asshole. ”
Sometimes, I questioned the relationship of God and Satan. “Isn’t the general belief system that you two are the first creations? That there can’t be one of you without the other?”
“That’s right. But he’s still, technically, my father. I exist only because He exists. It’s one of those annoying universal laws. And while I am the Lord of Lies, you’ll find I’m a disgustingly honest fellow.”