16. Your grandfather’s a pain in my ass. #2
“Death is too quick and easy of a punishment.”
I thought about that for a few minutes. “May-be?”
“Not maybe. Definitely. You can’t just burn them, Bailey.”
“Why not? They take Janet.”
“You are a one-track mind hellbent on death, doom, and destruction.”
“No, I like fire. Not same.”
“With you, it is the same. You like fire so much you create death, doom, and destruction in your wake.”
“More doom and de-struc-shun. Less death.”
“That’s true. Fine. Do what you want.” Perkette opened up the first bucket of napalm and offered it to me. “Just be careful. I’d hate to have to explain how I let you get yourself killed.”
“Let is strong word. How you stop me?”
“I’m using this argument in my defense,” my friend announced.
I gave the napalm my full attention. Sometimes, the only way to handle Perkette’s brand of crazy was to ignore it.
Quinn
The Lord of Lies needed an attitude adjustment, and I contemplated shoving my horn right up his ass for locking me outside.
No matter where I stepped, I encountered flame of some sort.
Sometimes, it burst from the ground in plumes of steam.
The lava had a tendency to follow me around like a puppy, which was disconcerting enough, especially when it liked to wrap around my hooves and legs.
That hurt enough I bolted without fail, often uncovering more of the Devil’s trickery and handiwork.
I lost count of the times I’d plunged into lakes of fire, pockets of steam and superheated gases, and lava tubes. Nothing ruined my day quite like being dunked head to hoof in molten stone.
Sometime after I lost count of how many times I’d gone for a fiery swim, the Devil took pity on me and provided a solid patch of ground. He stepped through a shimmering curtain of flame and laughed at me.
I’d put in plenty of thought on how best to stab my bastard of an uncle, but I hurt too much to follow through. I hadn’t known it’d been possible for horns to hurt, but mine did.
“It’s just a little pain, and now your tolerance for the flames is much stronger. You did just fine,” he announced.
I flattened my ears and snorted flame, waiting for him to get on with the conduit portion of the torture session.
“Sorry, little nephew. You get at least another hour playing outside before you can be a good conduit.” The devil planted his foot against my rump and shoved me into the nearest puddle of flame.
“Okay, I’m lying. You don’t need another hour.
I just wanted to push you into the fire because anyone else would start screaming and whine about how cruel I am to them.
I’m the Devil. I’m supposed to be cruel.
You’re just slightly miffed I’m inconveniencing you, and it’s delightful—except for the first time you were fully submerged.
That was appropriately the fiery pits of hell. It’s delightful, isn’t it?”
I stepped out of the flaming puddle and shook my head. No, it was not delightful.
My horn was not supposed to hurt, and I had a much better understanding of why Bailey had complained after ramming a steel door while escaping my ex-wife’s incubus.
“So, the conduit part. It’s rather simple, actually.
You have to teleport to her once and establish the connection.
As I’m a terrible cheater, I will do this for you.
Once the connection is forged, you can do whatever it is cindercorns do when performing rescue missions, as that’s the whole point of this, is it not?
To rescue your little cop. She’s a delight, too, but you really should leash her—or give her to your bride as a Christmas present.
I am pleased you decided to adopt her into your station, though.
That’ll make it easier to keep track of her.
” My uncle paused, and then he laughed. “You’re such an incubus, surrounding yourself with difficult women. ”
I flicked an ear back at that and glared at my uncle.
While true, did he have to say it? Once Bailey started coming to the station daily, it would be glorious mayhem married to overprotective zeal and wrapped in a beautiful package of determination.
Amanda would join forces with Bailey, and in no time, the women would completely take over.
Then again, knowing Amanda, I’d have some of the best trained officers in the world, especially once news of Janet’s kidnapping spread to everyone in the station.
Janet would be attending self-defense courses with Bailey, I’d be attending them because our schedules would finally align, and if I attended them, most of my officers would be squeezing time in their schedules to go to lessons, too.
And if they went to lessons in self-defense, I foresaw their wives and children attending, too.
All in all, my station had issues.
“But you’ll have issues while being exceptionally well-trained.
Anyway, your bride is currently consuming napalm and is planning on attempting a rescue mission on her own.
As I have missed quite a few of your birthdays and other holidays, I thought I’d be nice and help you forge said conduit so you can join her.
It’ll be more fun that way. You can storm the place together.
Alas, the delightful young Tiffany didn’t bring enough napalm to allow your bride to go on a true bender.
I, in the utter goodness of my heart, am able and willing to assist you in this matter. ”
Bailey plus napalm equaled mass destruction.
“This is true.” The Devil snickered. “You and Bailey plus napalm will be even greater destruction, and there’s nothing I like more than good old-fashioned destruction.
That, plus it would be useful if you’re covering her back while she’s getting into trouble.
Also, your great-grandfather is most correct.
You’re going to panic delightfully. His attempts to appease you with a chill pill, however, will be a complete and total failure.
You’ll just have to cope in other fashions.
In this case, it involves a lot of fire and defending your turf and your cop.
Oh, and Tiffany. Her, too. As a bonus, you’ll have ready access to napalm.
You and your wife can indulge together.”
The more the Devil talked, the less I liked what he had to say, and I heaved a sigh. No matter what I did, I couldn’t catch a break. Then again, two cindercorns on a napalm bender could be interesting.
For someone.
I weighed the advantages of going on a napalm bender against the resulting hangover, narrowing my eyes.
“You can’t catch a break, but you can get a good rush from the best napalm ever made.
You’re going to need a full tank to keep up with your bride.
Admit it, nephew. You like the idea of keeping up with her for a change.
Now, hurry it up. You have napalm to eat and a swift kick in the ass to endure so the connection between you two is fully opened.
Also, I am not at all responsible for anything you say or do while under the influence of napalm.
Just be happy I’m giving it to you. Your bride is on napalm limitations. You’re not. Yet.”
Yet. I hung my head low and groaned.
Nowhere in any of my plans had I considered going on a napalm bender.
“Don’t worry. You won’t be quite as bad as she is. I don’t really care about anyone else, but I’ll be entertained.”
The next time I accepted help from the Devil, I would remember he had a wicked sense of humor, no boundaries, and a love for chaos and mayhem—and I’d also remember he was the Devil.
My uncle patted my shoulder. “It’s okay. I forgive you. It’s just everyone else you have to worry about.”
If it meant being able to help Bailey later, I’d deal with the consequences of dealing with the Devil, and I’d invite the whole family over to my house for Easter with a smile.
The Devil chuckled. “Don’t forget about the wedding. Invite everyone to that, too. Now, come along. You have a long evening ahead of you.”