19. I no die, right?
NINETEEN
I no die, right?
Bailey
The world was mine to burn.
“Most people would call charging someone armed with so much ambrosia foolish,” my great-grandfather-in-law, Anubis said, his tone amused.
I whirled to face the divine, and I snorted flame, which ignited the grasses at my feet. Instead of charring to black, the green turned to brilliant golden sand, which wafted away on a cleansing breeze.
The grass regrew.
“That odd,” I said, pointing to the grass with a disturbingly insubstantial hoof. “I no die, right?”
“No, little one. You didn’t die. Why do you always jump to such strange conclusions?
You just went on a little trip. My great-grandson is handling this better than I anticipated.
I thought you would appreciate knowing he’s caring for your cop while waiting for you to cool your temper and burn off the ambrosia. ”
Ugh. Ambrosia. No wonder I felt twitchy. “I do. Thank you. But why are you here? I smooshed stupid cadet. But he shot me. With ambrosia. Stupid cadet.”
“Yes, that was a rather foolish move, pointing his little dart at my little great-grandson. I’m impressed all you did was run him into the wall. As for why I’m here, I’m here because this is my home. Well, somewhat. My home isn’t here specifically, but it is on this plane of existence.”
I regarded the blue skies and brilliant sun skeptically. “This does seem much brighter than where you from, right? Is that right? You from underworld. That like hell, right? Not sunny place.”
“I do have this tendency to poke my nose in the underworld often. It’s fun watching the dead toil in the afterlife.” Anubis regarded me with an ear twisted back. “It is not like hell, though. Wrong pantheon.”
“But it’s e-quiv-a-lent?”
“Somewhat but not precisely.”
“You suck,” I muttered. “Be con-fusing on purpose.”
Anubis laughed. “It’s one of my joys in life. No, I’m just a meddling relative, and I have fewer rules I have to follow compared to many other divines. Or, more accurately, I have fewer scruples about breaking unimportant rules. I’ll be scolded by my wife later, I’m sure.”
“Uni-ver-sal rule. Men be scolded by women for doing annoying things. Quinn need scolding. He bargain with Devil!”
“He didn’t bargain with the Devil. He bargained with a lesser devil.”
“This even worse! Worse! Worse! Bargain with best if bargain at all. He bargain with lesser devil? Then he show up cin-der-corn! Not in-cu-bus gor-gon whatsit doo-hickey. But he very nice stallion. Very nice. Very nice.”
“He’s back to being his gorgon-incubus-whatsit doohickey self. Helping your cop was easier with hands.”
“So sad,” I whined. “All gone? No stallion?”
“He’ll be able to become a cindercorn again for you, I’m sure. It’ll just take him practice to master shapeshifting to other forms. I’m sure you can criticize him if he’s not the perfect cindercorn.”
“Yes. Can do. Can do him.”
Anubis sighed. “Yes, I’m aware. If we could not discuss my grandson like that, I’d appreciate that.”
“Great. You forget great.”
“It’s too much of a hassle to add it. It simplifies things.”
“Okay. So you grand-father.” I flicked an ear. “Can skip in-law?”
“If you’d like. No one will mind.”
I bobbed my head. “This good! Now why here? This not there.”
“You got pissed off after being injected with ambrosia. This activated some of your latent genetics, and as a result, you took a little trip to here. It has to do with your heritage.”
“Right. Divine grandparent.”
“That’s… not exactly accurate.”
“Explain. D-N-A test say grandparent. That not right?”
“Your mother, your father, all of your grandparents, a few more of your relatives, actually, you’re just one big ball of mortal divinity,” Anubis announced.
“But you’re still mortal and not a divine because…
” Anubis frowned and his second ear twitched back.
“I’m not really sure why, when I’m truthful about the situation. I was volunteered to keep you company.”
“Who volunteer you?”
“Me, myself, and I. And my wife. Mostly my wife. You two would get into a fight because you’re two predators who get easily bored.”
I stared at him, trying to comprehend how someone could be even crazier than me. “You need help.”
“Despite your belief, I’m not crazy. It’s true. You’re a predator, and my wife is most definitely a predator. The instant you both got bored, you’d fight. You do want to save your energy for the adoption match, right?”
I pranced and tossed my head. “I win that fight, yes. I kick gorgons! I bite gorgons! They can’t petrify me! I win fight. Children mine!” I paused. “Quinn’s, too.”
“You have to fight them while human, Bailey.”
“Can still bite and kick.”
“You would. Sometimes, I question my grandson’s life choices, but then again, he’s proven himself to be quite sensible. I suppose good partnerships in life must balance.”
“I am sensible!”
Anubis glared at me. “Your solution to dealing with a human who threatened Samuel was to charge him and crash the entirety of your bulk into him. You crushed him against a wall. You popped him like a grape under foot.”
“Well, yes. He pointed gun at my Samuel. He’s mine. My Quinn. My Samuel Quinn. He deserve popped like stupid grape.”
“I’m relieved to discover you do, indeed, know your husband’s name. But I’m concerned you have zero remorse for popping someone like a grape.”
“If he hadn’t pointed gun at Sam, no pop like grape.”
“It disturbs me this logic is rather sensible.”
“Samuel Leviticus Quinn is also known as mine,” I announced in a solemn tone. “He pointed ambrosia dart at him. This off-en-sive.”
“Yes, it is offensive. I can’t fault you there. Still, you could have just lit him on fire.”
I thought about that. “No. Hit hard better. Squish him like grape. Faster to squish than snort big fire.”
“I can’t argue with that. Rather than arguing over the merits of squishing threats to Samuel like grapes, I should give you your Christmas gift.”
I perked my ears forward. “I like presents.”
“First, your wolf, Sunny. While you haven’t met her yet, her purpose is to help you find your way back to Earth when you accidentally teleport yourself here.
This will happen when your magic becomes too strong.
You took a rather large dose of ambrosia.
When enough of the ambrosia has worn off, she’ll come help you get home if you can’t figure out how to get home yourself.
There’s more than one way for you to return to where you belong, but Sunny is working her way here and will guide you back to Earth.
Do try to avoid overexposure to ambrosia in the future. ”
“Full ampoule,” I replied. “Way too much. Not good. So it brought me here?”
“Yes. You have a strong affinity with the Egyptian pantheon, although your line and my line never met, which is a good thing.”
“My line?”
“Your father.”
“My father vanilla human. He suck. Want to squish him like grape.”
“Please don’t squish your human father like a grape. If you want to make him miserable, I recommend you invite him to your proper wedding and show him how deliriously happy you are. That will upset him, as he is a firm believer in shared misery.”
“No squish like grape?” I blinked. “Wait. Proper wedding?”
“And no lighting him on fire, biting him, kicking him, sitting on him, or otherwise ending his life prematurely. The same goes to your human mother. And yes, there will be a proper wedding.”
“You suck. I like idea of wedding, but I no have pretty dress.”
“A pretty dress will be provided.”
“I like sound of this. What is present?”
“What I’m about to tell you should make things a little better.
Your father was possessed by a divine when you were conceived, and your mother was likewise possessed by a divine when you were conceived.
Technically, you have four parents. My Christmas present to you is the opportunity to have all four of your parents in the same room together at the same time. It will be delightfully chaotic.”
I bowed my head and groaned. “My family crazier than Quinn family? That not fair! Not fair at all!” I flopped onto the grass, rolled onto my back, and kicked my hooves. “Not fair! I was normal! Normal compared to crazy Quinn family!”
“Bailey, you transform into a fire-breathing unicorn. Did you really believe you were, at any stage of your life, actually normal? You view light as a mode of transportation. You deliberately goad one of my grandson’s snakes into biting you because you like it. You’re not normal.”
“So mean.”
“But honest. Aren’t you curious about why you shapeshift into a cindercorn?”
“Maybe little.”
“It’s because one of your great-great-great-great grandparents—add a few extra greats in there for good measure—was a cindercorn.”
“That weird. How get feet instead of hooves? Weird!”
“Cindercorns are inherently shapeshifters. So are standard white unicorns. Add in your divine relations, and you have a very high percentage of shapeshifter DNA. Transformatives don’t really bother natural shapeshifters.
They can just shift back at their whim. You should feed Samuel a good transformative sometime.
You’ll get to see something truly special. ”
“It won’t hurt him?”
“He’ll be able to shapeshift back as he wants.”
“Neat! And cindercorn stallion? He so pretty as stallion.”
“Thanks to his incubus heritage, he can shapeshift to any form he’s been before, and he can be nudged in the right direction by properly motivated divines. He was a cindercorn because the Devil nudged him along. Ironically, a Christmas present to you.”
“The Devil likes me!”
“Most people would not be excited to know the Devil likes them, Bailey.”
“Better than Devil not liking me. That would be bad. May go to hell if he no like me. Much better this way.”
“Your logic sometimes terrifies me.”
“Only some-times?”
“Yes. Also, sometimes, I wonder about you.”
“Only some-times?”
Anubis bowed his head and sighed.
Quinn