Chapter 49
NOVA
The door closed behind me. I stammered. Lorelei’s words were cutting and cruel, just like they’d been the last time we spoke.
As if nothing had changed.
Except, that wasn’t true. I had changed, as much as I didn’t want to admit that to Jayne. On a certain level, she’d been right. I couldn’t go back to who I was before I’d entered The Circle, even if my transformation had been catalyzed by lies and manipulation.
Even if I owed the majority of the shift to a man I loved who wasn’t capable of loving me back.
“A disappointment,” I scoffed. “What the hell is your problem? You reached out to me for help.”
Lorelei massaged the bridge of her nose. “How many times do we all have to tell you, The Circle is not a cult!”
“Which is exactly what the hell a cult member would say!” I yelled back, since, apparently, we were yelling now.
Lorelei shushed me. “I don’t need help.”
“But there are pregnant trad wives,” I said.
“So?” She threw her hands up in exasperation. “Wealthy men with breeding kinks want families. Vanillas procreate too, you know. Kass and Gia are very happy with their husbands, Nova. We are all very happy. Can you really not see that? No one is in trouble!”
“Roman is a psychopath!”
Lorelei tensed, her nostrils flared. “Don’t talk about Him that way.”
Her confirmation of Roman’s power over her only fueled my anger. “This whole thing has only ever been about getting back at his brother. So why was I dragged into it?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lorelei said, brows drawing together. “Roman has only ever tried to help his degenerate brother. He’s a conduit for God’s will, Nova. He has built a sanctuary for lost souls to overcome all fear and transcend.”
“Oh, dear God,” I muttered. Now I was the one massaging the bridge of my nose. “He is manipulating you, Lor. He’s just regurgitating the metadata he has on you from your social media use.”
Lorelei reared back. “I barely touch social media anymore—only as a spiritual tool. He took away all my suffering. All of it. You should be happy for me.”
It was like talking to a brick wall. “You’re not even kinky!”
“This is all bigger than kink. Roman is more than human. I’m living proof of His miracles.
” She searched my face desperately, as if I was the one speaking nonsense and in need of intervention.
“No more nightmares. No more fear. Only divine purpose, bliss, and serenity in exchange for my eternal vow of service. I serve Him because He chose me. He saved me, Nova.”
Those words stung, frustrated tears threatening to leak from my eyes. “So, what, you want to be pregnant sister wives with me now too? Is that why you think Roman has been pursuing me? Instead of the obvious answer that he’s trying to get back at Wes?”
Lorelei’s face fell before twisting with anger. “He warned me you would try to poison me against Him. This is exactly as He foretold.”
This was crazymaking. “Let me guess: you have no idea Roman has been trying to get me to be his for months. Or about any of the other subs he toys with.”
Lorelei stared at me with disgust. “You’re pathetic. I’m not going to fall for any of your lies. After everything I’ve done for you… you only spit in my face.”
“What have you done for me, Lorelei?” I asked, my lip trembling. “Please, tell me what you have done for me.”
“Some people are addicted to their own suffering,” she said with a condescending shake of her head.
“You found The Circle for a reason. You had a chance to get everything you ever wanted, and you blew it. Jayne took a liking to you immediately, which was perfect, and I helped in every way possible to make sure she best understood how to help you ascend. Roman did too—He wanted to help because you’re my family, so one day, you’ll be His family too. ”
“You lured me here on purpose,” I repeated. “All that shit you said to me only primed me for this place.”
“Duh. I thought you were the smart one,” she said.
“This was always your destiny. Your performance these past months has been disappointing, but you did make progress. You were really living, even if it had only been for a brief time. You were indulging in desires you should’ve explored years ago.
You were having fun. I saw it. Even if it was with the wrong man for you, and you gave up too quickly.
You dreamed of this life since we were kids—glamour, success, adventure, great love.
Yet you won’t let yourself have it. You have to make everything hard instead of letting it all be easy. ”
I stared at her in utter bewilderment, running through the past months as if that would help me make sense of the conflicting narratives and realities everyone here was living inside of.
“You could’ve had it all,” she said. “The right connections for your author career. A vibrant community of interesting people who are actually doing things out in the world. People who make things happen, who believe in magic—not a bunch of nihilistic Gen Z losers who don’t believe they have any agency in their lives at all. ”
“Can you really blame them?” I snapped. “Look around! People are suffering, Lorelei. Not everyone can join a wealthy inner circle with complimentary omakase and massages and Pilates, bankrolled by the exact dickheads causing all our disillusionment in the first place!”
“It’s hard to listen to someone with such a strong victim mentality,” Lorelei said with a sigh.
“The Circle is full of people with real impact, who are discussing solutions to the issues you’re so concerned about.
Creative people, artists just like you. But instead of capitalizing on these opportunities for exploration, connection, and spiritual evolution, what were you doing? ”
“Trying to save you from yet another abusive asshole,” I spat.
“Oh, is that what was distracting you? Things looked a little differently from where I sat,” Lorelei hissed back. “You allowed yourself to be isolated and brainwashed by a man with neck tattoos!”
I ran a hand through my hair, about ready to start yanking strands out by the roots.
She sighed, as if to calm herself down. Her next words were softer. “Yes, the world is burning down around us, Nova. And it’s not stopping any time soon. It’s only getting worse. We need to be smart about our futures.” She nodded, pinning me with a pointed look.
I laughed bitterly. “Oh, I see. So you chose the winning side, huh?” I asked. “That’s what you’re really saying. You don’t believe I can make it on my own. Or maybe you don’t want me to,” I said, a newfound strength knocking loose from somewhere deep inside me. “I left doomsday cults behind, Lor.”
My heart clenched in my chest. A tremor rolled through me, like a painful, long-awaited release. “I left behind abusive men and charming snakes. I know you didn’t, you couldn’t, but… I can’t save you.”
I’d never said those words aloud. I’d never truly believed them, not until this moment. Goosebumps erupted all over my skin, similar to when I’d been convinced that I heard the wisdom of the Holy Spirit as a child.
Wes had been right.
My eyes were open now.
“I can’t save you,” I repeated as Lorelei stared at me in confusion, her own lip starting to tremble.
“You have to save yourself now, okay?” A tear slid down my cheek.
“And as for my hopefulness and self-reliance you have tried endlessly to dissuade me of… at least I tried. At least I am trying. I’m proud I didn’t trade myself for the facade of safety—a cheap, ephemeral replacement for love.
I would rather be delusional than numb.”
Lorelei’s mouth clamped shut. The familiar scent of vodka was just barely detectable on her breath. It would seem Roman, son of God, had missed a spot when he’d taken away all of Lorelei’s defects.
I tried to keep my gaze on Lorelei’s blue eyes instead of her protruding rib cage—the evidence of the pain I couldn’t remove from her either.
“I love you, Lor. I’m rooting for you. And you were right about one thing: you did help me. Because of you, I have changed. And part of that change includes letting you go.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I hope it’s not forever.”
I turned away. When I slipped into the hallway, I heard her weakly call out, “Wait. Nova, wait.”
But I didn’t turn back—even if it was crushing, even if a huge part of me still wanted to keep sacrificing myself at Lorelei’s altar, to keep atoning for sins I didn’t commit.
“Nova, please, don’t go.” Her voice cracked.
The pain and shocked desperation in her voice made me falter, but I kept walking. I walked all the way to the end of the hall.
I chose me. I was finally ready to choose me. A heavy weight lifted from my shoulders, two decades of baggage gone. I felt lighter than I’d ever felt before.
I spotted Jayne staring down at the nave from above, arms resting on the balcony. She was alone, no one from her royal court in sight.
She glanced back at me.
I jolted at the sudden, quick movement in my periphery. Three large men strode toward me from the staircase to my right. They reached for me, and I screamed, locking eyes with Jayne as her features contorted with confusion. She stepped toward us.
“Red!” I managed to yell right before my world went dark, black fabric pressing against my head from all sides.
It was the universal safe word. Everyone here, especially Jayne, knew that meant a scene needed to be stopped immediately.
A hand covered my mouth, muffling all my next sounds.
“Red!” I tried to yell again, but it was useless.
Strong hands dragged me away, but I knew Jayne had heard me. She’d heard me say it.
And she’d done nothing.