Chapter 19
Elina
A myriad of different scenarios play through my mind over the course of the next few days, along with concern about what I’m getting myself into. A sort of test, Asbjorn said.
What test?
Are they considering me as an initiate? Will it be a kind of ritual? Maybe even an initiation ritual? Or even a claiming ritual? Is Asbjorn claiming me?
Would I even want that?
I know I want to be part of this group. Everything about them—the closeness to nature, their deep bond, and the power dynamics—appeals to me in ways nothing ever has.
It’s like coming home. Only, I’m not home yet.
I’m standing in the street, looking at the house that should be my home, so close, yet not quite able to reach it.
But do I want to be Asbjorn’s sub?
I care deeply for Asbjorn. I’m so very grateful for all the time I’ve spent with him and all the experiences he’s given me.
But the depth I see in the other relationships—that deep awe when a Dom looks at his claimed sub and the calm devotion in her eyes—is not there.
Asbjorn doesn’t awaken that instinctive need to fall to my knees the way Ulf does—just with a single look.
But I also can’t tell if that emotion Ulf always seemed to stir within me is real or just a fairy tale dream.
Maybe it’s just the allure of the unreachable.
Maybe it would fade the moment Ulf broke the silence and the mystery faded.
I shake the thoughts out of my head. I need to forget about Ulf.
He’s been gone a whole month. If that’s not a sign that nothing’s going to happen between us, I don’t know what is.
I’m not stupid. I know he’s way out of my league, and the things I’ve done with him have only been for fun—the aftercare only part of his involvement in the play.
But at the same time, his words keep whirring in my mind. You just have to be patient.
But that patience doesn’t lead to him. It can’t. He meant that I belong to Asbjorn—I just have to wait until the time is right to be claimed by Asbjorn.
Disappointment churns in my stomach, and then it points straight back at myself.
I should be happy. Asbjorn is perfect for me.
He’s calm, steady, and reliable. Strong and patient.
He satisfies all those hidden urges within me.
Well, almost, but then again, I can’t have everything.
He’s everything Gustav wasn’t, and he’s everything I need in a boyfriend.
Yet something’s missing. A feeling. Something I can’t quite put my finger on.
But again, I think that feeling might not be real. Yet, when I’m in town doing some grocery shopping one day, that feeling I can’t name and barely even remember anymore strikes into me with the force of a thunderous lightning.
I’m in the produce section when suddenly he’s there.
Ulf. He’s standing at the other end of the aisle, just watching me.
Quietly. Like all those times at the club.
He stands tall and proud as always, eyes fixed on me with calm intent.
A hunter waiting for the right moment to strike. Only, this man never strikes.
A knot tightens my throat, and a well of longing crashes over me. I drop the apple in my hand. It lands on the floor with a dull thud. The world stops moving. Seconds drag on in an eternity as I just watch him. Tears well in my eyes. Something’s about to snap.
I want to run to him—fall into his arms and feel that steady strength I’ve been dreaming of ever since he held me close and mended the brokenness.
I want to feel his heartbeat, the heat of his body, and the tenderness of his caresses.
I want to fall into the dust at his feet, feel his hand on my head.
A blessing—a sacred vow as he welcomes me into his domain.
But I can’t have it. My heart is suddenly gaping with the distance of a whole month. He doesn’t want me.
I feel so damn stupid.
My mind kicks back in. I glance around. I’m in a store. About to break down.
The tears keep welling. I wipe the back of my sleeve under my eyes, searching the space, looking for… something.
But there’s nothing to help me.
I need to get away. Fast.
I drop my basket. And then I run.