Chapter 10 #5
I'm trying to make sense of it, because I don’t understand how he can turn from bisexual to gay.
As a newly out-and-proud bisexual, it rubs me the wrong way, because it feels a lot like the bi erasure stuff I read about on Reddit when I was struggling with my own sexuality.
“There ain’t nothing wrong with be bisexual, Jay.
You don’t have to pick a lane when you’ve got the whole highway ahead of you.
” I narrow my eyes. “Did the homosexuals at UCLA bully you into this? Did they try to tell you you’re bi now, gay later?
Were they bi-erasing you back in California? ”
He looks at his mother, then at me. “Bi-erasing me?”
“Telling you to pick a lane. Saying bisexuality isn’t real. It’s real, son. It’s real, and it’s fuckin’ beautiful.”
His cheeks darken, and he quickly looks away. “Dad, I just—”
“We talked about this on the way here,” Faith interrupts our son, squeezing his shoulder as she sits on the arm of the sofa.
“He’s not going to be angry. About this, at least. God knows he’s going to flip his lid when we tell him your other news, but he won’t be angry about this.
” Faith shoots me a warning glare. I’m curious about the other news she just mentioned, but judging by the fierce, protective look in her eyes, now ain’t time to cross that bridge.
“She’s right,” I say, because she is. “Whatever you’ve got to say, it’s okay, Jay.”
His eyes meet mine, and for a second, some of the sass and sparkle fade, showing me brief glimpses of the boy I raised. “I lied to you.”
“About being bisexual?”
He nods, chewing on his cheek as silence settles around us.
It’s uncomfortable, and I don’t like it in the slightest, but my boy is working through some shit right now, and the least I can do is suffer in an awkwardly quiet room while he works up the courage to speak his truth, whatever that may be.
“I didn’t want to let you down,” he whispers, unwilling to look me in the eye.
“I’m your only kid, and I was scared that if you knew I only like guys, it would make you super sad, because I’m your shot at having grandchildren.
I didn’t want to disappoint you. When I first told you I was bi, I thought it might make the transition easier, but I see now that’s not the case.
You realized you were bi too, and then I couldn’t take it back.
That’s why—” Jaden chomps down on his bottom lip like he’s silencing himself mid-sentence. He looks scared.
“Say it. Whatever it is, just say it.” I grab his hand and squeeze it tight. “Dad won’t ever stop loving you, buddy. I promise.”
He pauses, building up his courage before telling me, “It’s why I went quiet on you while I was at school. Being bi is something you and I bonded over, and I was scared I’d end up losing you if you knew I was lying. I’m gay, Dad. I’m not bi, I’m just gay.”
“Why the hell would I care if you’re gay?”
“Because you’re not,” he spits out. “Being bisexual was something we finally had in common, even if it was a lie on my part. You were so proud of me after I came out, and I didn’t want you to stop being—”
I silence my boy with a crushing hug, pulling him right against me. “Never. You fuckin’ hear me, Jay?” I pull away and cup both his cheeks. “You’re mine. You’re part of me. Even if you don’t like pussy, that don’t change the fact that we’ve still got our shared love of cock in common.”
I think I may have spent too much time around the unhinged twinks living here, because I never would’ve talked to my son this way in Texas.
It ain’t that we never talked, because we did.
We talked about what makes a man a man. We talked about our favorite football teams, even if his favorite changed depending on who was playing that day, noncommittally.
We talked about everything, but never like this, about pussy or cock.
I don’t know this new version of Jaden sitting in front of me, but I love him just as much as I ever did.
“You really aren’t disappointed?”
I shake my head. “Never. About anything. Ever. You could blow the goddamn world up with a nuke, and I’d still love you.
” He’s got his cheek between his teeth, chewing.
He used to do it as a kid anytime he did something stupid.
I can’t have that, because I can’t stand to see him twisting himself into knots.
“I was damn proud of my damn queer son when I thought you were bi. Now I’m damn proud of my damn gay son. ”
He holds me a little bit longer before breaking the hug. “Thanks, Dad”
“You're welcome, buddy.” Kicking back on the sofa, I look at my wife, then back at my son. “So, how do we fix this? Do you need money, Faith? If you need a loan, I can get you some cash. I could help you pay off the house.”
“You can’t, actually.” Faith interrupts, swallowing nervously. “Tell him the rest, Jaden.”
Jaden’s cheeks darken as he stares at me. “Okay, well you can't be mad.”
“We'll see.”
He groans. “Ugh, fine. But if you start screaming at me, I'll cry. I'll cry and heave and holler until you feel like a monster. I’ll sob so loud you’ll forget why you were even mad.”
“Noted.”
He breathes shakily. “The thing is, I kind of accidentally burned our house to the ground.”
My eyes bulge.
“Accidentally,” Faith says, voice dripping with disdain. “Idiotically, more like.”
“How is that helpful, Mother?”
“About as helpful as putting a can of oven cleaner in the microwave.”
“Oh, Goddess on high, I am not having this argument again. I've explained myself seventy-two times. You asked me to clean the microwave. I did! I put the stuff on the tray, and I started it. You explained nothing before you left, so I had to figure out how to do it on my own.”
Faith’s eyes narrow. “Have you ever heard of water and a washcloth?”
He shrugs like it’s no big deal. “Well, the microwave isn’t dirty anymore, so you can cry all you want, but I did what you asked.”
“The microwave doesn’t even exist anymore,” she spits out quickly, the words coming like punctuated bullets. “It’s in a landfill, along with the remnants of our house.”
Through it all, my mouth is hanging halfway open, and I’m struggling to make sense of the madness. Jaden points a finger at me.
“See? He agrees with me. He's practically in awe of my resourcefulness.” He pats my knee. “While you're mesmerized, I guess I could go ahead and rip the rest of the bandaid off.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “The house burned down, the insurance refused to cover us, because Mom let it lapse, I dropped out of college because I hate it more than I hate anything, Mom’s going to live with a Nigerian prince she’s been emailing for months, and I need somewhere to live.” My eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and Jaden pokes his bottom lip out in a pout.
“Pretty, pretty please with sugar on top?”
I look over at Faith. “Nigerian prince?”
She rolls her eyes. “His name is Nigel Prince. We’ve been internet dating for months. I’m going to throw caution to the wind and live a little before I die.”
“Yeah, well, you’ll probably die a whole lot sooner if you move in with a complete stranger,” Jaden says.
“We’ve spent every weekend together for four months. It’s not as if he’s some internet pervert I’ve never met in my life.” She turns back to me. “He’s a good guy. You’ll like him.”
“I’m sure I will.” As I stand here, letting everything sink in, one of Jaden’s earlier comments springs back into focus.
“The fuck do you mean, you dropped out of school?”
“Exactly what I said. I was speaking very clearly.”
“Jaden,” I warn.
“Fine. You’ve beaten it out of me. I hate school, Dad. I don’t want to go back. I thought it was supposed to be a party school, but there was just so much work. I didn’t sign up for boring lectures and endless homework.”
“You literally did,” Faith says. “Your father and I explained it to you several times.”
“Allegedly.”
Faith clicks her screen a few times, then lifts it to display a video of Faith and me explaining what Jaden could expect from college, just in case something like this happened, because something like this always happens when it comes to our kiddo.
“You were saying?” Faith asks.
“Ugh, fine, you win. I still don’t want to go back though.” He looks up at me through his lashes. “Can I stay with you, Dad? Please? I’ll be good.
I scratch the back of my neck and sigh. Ezzy’s going to be furious.