Chapter 24 #2
I walk around the table toward him. Bubba is at his side, wearing a whole tux, looking dapper as ever, with a cock just begging to be sucked, judging by his bulge.
“Hey, Ezzy,” Bubba says, and he doesn’t sound surprised by my presence. “What took you so long?”
I hold my hands behind my back nervously, staring at my shoe as I twist my ankle back and forth like I’m trying to drill into the starry highway with my heel.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know if I’d be strong enough to make the astral walk.
” I sniffle. I should be wrapping my arms around them, and here I am, boo-hooing like the world is ending tomorrow.
My world ended three weeks ago when I lost them. My throat clicks. “Daddy.”
“Aww, Ezzy. Baby, Daddy’s here. Daddy’s here, and he loves you so fuckin’ much.”
“Ez.” Johnny's voice is like a cooling balm on a nasty burn.
When I look up, his eyes are made of pink stars, each one brighter than the last. “Baby, where are you? How do we find you?” His voice breaks, and little blue stars trickle down his cheeks.
“I have to find you. I have to tell you. You gotta know, Ez.”
“Johnny.” I wait for him to look up at me.
“I know. I know, and it’s okay. I’m with your mom.
She kidnapped me in hopes of luring you home.
” Closing my eyes, I sigh. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m pretty sure our Hillbilly Highrise is going to be making another cross-country trip soon. ”
“What do you mean?” Johnny asks.
“As much as I’d love to spill the beans, I’m afraid I came here for two reasons and two reasons only. That isn’t one of them.”
Johnny arches an eyebrow. “Okay.”
“The main reason is to tell you both how much I miss you, and to ask you to please hurry up and come find me. The second matter is your shitbag of a brother. I know you love him, but I hate Pete more than I hate anyone. He’s the fucking worst.”
“Shit. What did he do this time?”
“Well, for starters, he’s an absolutely useless farmer.
He can claim he’s God’s gift to agriculture all he wants, all he ever does is ride around on that goddamn tractor, making all kinds of noise, interrupting my peace and quiet.
It’s not right, Johnny. It’s not right, and I want you to beat him up for me. ”
Johnny’s starry eyes blink at me. “Well, if you’ve gotten that out of your system—”
“Oh, screw you, dude,” I say, flipping him off, making him snicker. “I’m practically dying of sleep deprivation, and there my boyfriend is, not giving a flying fuck.”
“What were you saying about us moving the house?”
“Oh. Yeah. That. Well, see, the thing is, I really like Ms. Ladonna. I’m pretty sure we’re platonic fated mates.
Truth be told, I could do without Satan’s Minion, but Ladonna keeps telling me Maybelline is family, and family doesn’t exile family simply for not enjoying their company.
I can’t do this much longer. I like it here, but I can’t keep going without you.
You were supposed to come and find me. Why haven’t you come to find me? ”
“Oh, Ezzy,” Bubba says, all calm and sweet like he knows I need him to be. “Listen, baby. We’ll be there soon. We’re on the road now. We pulled over for a quick nap before the final stretch. I don’t even know how the fuck we got here.”
“I called you here,” I tell them. “My heart needed you, so I asked it to find you.” Drying my eyes, I look over at Bubba. “Where have you been? It’s been so long. I’ve been so lonely, Bubs.”
“I know, baby. And when we get to you, I’ll explain it all. All the catfishing and stalking and secrets lying in plain sight.”
“So, you think Momma wants us to move back to Dunsberry?”
“I don’t just think it. I know it.”
Johnny looks at Bubba. “Bubba?”
Bubba groans. “We’re hiring movers this time. I’m not packing all that shit up again.”
“We ain’t moving nowhere,” Johnny says.
“Last I checked, I’m the family psychic. I would think if anyone knew whether or not we were moving, it would be me. It’s like Ladonna said, family is supposed to stick together, and your family is struggling. They’ve got all this land needing to be tended, and not a strapping young lad in sight.”
“What about you?” Johnny asks.
“As I told Ladonna, while I am a strapping young lad, I do not do manual labor. I’m sorry, Johnny, but there are lines, and that crosses every single one of them.”
“Fuck, I missed you,” Johnny says, cupping my cheek.
“I’m very missable, as are you, and as is Bubs, but that’s hardly the point. My point is, your family needs help, and we’ve got the manpower to provide it.”
Johnny shares a look with Bubba, and their faces slowly fade. “Fuck. Ez. I think we’re waking up. We’re just outside Arkansas. We’ll see you tomorrow.” He takes a step back, and then he smiles at me. “You never told us, you know.”
“Told you what?”
“You said you were going to tell us something tomorrow, but then you went and got yourself kidnapped. What were you going to say?”
I swallow thickly, wanting this astral walk to end so I don’t have to answer this question.
Finally, I open my mouth to say the words, but Bubba and Johnny vanish from in front of me, dissipating like a morning fog after the sun comes out to play.
For a moment, I let myself linger on this starry highway, where my boyfriends’ energy still fills the air.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow isn’t far. Like the little pauper in that musical once said, it’s only a day away. Less than that, because it was already night when I fell asleep. If they wake up right now, they’ll be on their way. They’ll be here in a few hours.
They’re on their way. They’re coming to find me.
Footsteps echo from behind, and a chill runs up my spine. Her hand touches my shoulder, and every semblance of strength still in me fades. I feel her. Her presence. The familiar burst of warmth across my chest.
“Barbara?” I whisper, too scared to look back.
“Hi, baby,” she whispers, her voice sounding familiar, but not quite the same as it usually does.
Usually, I simply feel her voice, but now I hear it, and it seems so familiar, I can almost place it.
I don’t think I need to place it. I’m pretty sure I already know who she is. “I’m sorry I went away.”
“Where were you?” I bite my lip to stop it from trembling. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too, Ezzy,” she whispers. “I know this is difficult, but can you look at me, sweetheart?”
I bite down harder on my lip, because it won’t stop shaking. “I needed you. I needed you these last two weeks more than I ever have, and you left me all alone.” My voice cracks. “I know it’s not your fault, but you left, and now I don’t know who I am anymore.”
“I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t want to go. I just don’t know how to do this next part without hurting you. I don’t ever want to hurt you, Ezra. You know that, don’t you?”
Her arms wrap around from behind, and when I look down, I can’t choke back my sob. They’re the same shade as hers.
Swarm of pinks and reds, and the most stunning shades of purple.
Mom.
“It’s okay,” she whispers, but it’s not okay. “I made a promise to you once. I told you I’d always be with you, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.” Slowly, she takes a step back, then turns me around until I’m facing her.
I watch as her starry skin takes shape, shifting from pinks, purples, and reds, to the softest shade of cream.
Her curly, brown hair flows halfway down her back, and life returns to her face.
She’s smiling through her tears, and I can tell she’s hurting.
I can tell how tired she is, because it looks like it’s taking every ounce of her strength to hold on.
I need her to be stronger. It isn’t time for her to go. I can’t do this next part alone.
“Oh, Ezra. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this.
To see you face to face. To see the man you became.
” Her hands cup my cheeks, and she presses the softest kiss on my forehead.
“I am so, so proud of you. Everything you’ve gone through—the things you’ve had to do to stay alive—I never wanted this for you.
I didn’t want you to have to hurt so bad.
” She sniffles, and a tear falls down her cheek.
“I let you down. I should have left your father the first time he hit me, but I kept thinking it would get better. That we would get better, and we’d be happy.
I cost us everything. Our whole life together. ”
I shake my head fiercely. “Don’t ever blame yourself.
Ever.” I take a step forward, just wanting to be as close as I can get.
I touch her face, because it’s right there, and I’ve wanted to feel my mom for as long as I can remember.
To know her warmth and love firsthand, but I guess I’ve known it all along.
I just didn’t understand it for what it was.
“You’ve been my best friend all my life.
When no one else loved me, you did. You and Austin.
On the nights I couldn’t stay with him—when I had to do all that stuff I didn’t want to do—you were there in my heart, warming me up inside.
” It’s my turn to get choked up, and I have to force myself to swallow to get the lump out of my throat.
“Please, don’t go. Just stay. I’ll be good, okay?
I’ll be the best son you could’ve ever hoped for, just don’t leave me again.
I’ll be good. I swear.” I bite my lip, and the confliction in her eyes is tearing me up inside.
She wants to stay. She doesn’t want to leave, but I can see her light fading, little by little.
She’s tired. “Mommy, please. Don’t leave me. ”
Her forehead touches mine, and I wrap my arms around her waist. “I don’t know how much longer I’ve got, but I’m holding on for dear life.
” She kisses my forehead again and stares into my eyes.
“I need to know you’re okay. Before I go, I have to know Bubba and Johnny are here, and that you’re going to be happy. ”
“I will be,” I whisper. “Once I get them back, I promise, I’m going to be happy.
You don’t have to be scared about that.” Around me, the rainbow road goes dark in the distance, and the darkness slowly creeps in.
“I’m going to be okay with them, but I don’t know how to be okay without you.
I don’t know how to be in a world without you.
” I guide her hand to my heart. “You’ve been here all my life.
How do I keep going when you’re not here anymore? ”
“Oh, Ezra. I’m always in your heart. Even when I’m not warming it anymore, I’m still there.
I’m part of you.” She touches her tummy.
“I made you, baby. I carried you right here, and I baked you from scratch. Even if I’m gone, my love never is, because I poured my heart into you for nine straight months.
” She gives me a final kiss on the cheek before pulling me in for a hug as the darkness creeps up around us.
“I am so very proud you. Momma loves you, baby.”
“I love you,” I tell her, needing her to hear it again.
I don’t know how much longer we’ve got, because I feel myself stirring in my sleep.
So, I tell her again. I say it so many times it feels like the only sounds left in the world are my weak, shattered words, and the way she says them back on an endless loop.
“I love you, Ezra. I always will.”