Chapter 10 Kristen
Kristen
Ican still smell his cologne lingering in the air in our bedroom. It's on the bedsheets, in his wardrobe though his clothes have been through the laundry, and on his robe hanging on the back of the door.
His watch isn’t on the nightstand. His keys aren’t downstairs in the bowl on the hall dresser.
His boots aren’t by the front door. Each day that passes, it becomes harder to feel him around me.
I keep being told I have my memories but how are they going to keep me warm at night when they can’t wrap their arms around me and slide their leg over mine.
My memories won’t be stood in the kitchen first thing in the morning with a coffee in hand and a smile just for me.
They won’t text me throughout the day telling me how much they love me and is waiting for me at home when the shop closes.
I've lived with the anxiety of losing him for thirty years, more so after India was ripped away from me, and the day finally came. Just like I knew it would. I ache to go back and live being constantly anxious, just to have him back with us, with me, but he’s gone.
He's never coming back, and I have no idea how I'm going to move on. We were each other’s forever and now I have to go at it alone.
I slip my shoes on and grab my car keys.
I can’t stand to be in this house any longer.
Nina and Sebastian went to bed a few hours ago, and Zachery is asleep on the couch, the TV on standby.
I turn the alarm system off and lock up behind me.
There's no reason for Zach to wake up and realise I'm not here.
If Slade were here, I'd be sleeping peacefully beside him. I back out of the drive and lower the windows needing the fresh air.
At first, I drive around with no destination in mind, only needing something to focus on.
I pick up speed as I pass Main Street, and turn off toward the edge of town.
I find myself driving past Kyla’s house.
I reverse and make my way down her drive.
The living room light is still on, and I climb out of the car and knock on her door.
“Who’s there?” she calls out.
“It’s me, Kristen.”
I listen to the locks disengaging and I step back when the door opens.
“Kristen? What are you doing here?"
Kyla pulls her robe belt tighter together and offers, “Do you want to come in?”
I shake my head. “I need air. Do you mind if we sit out here?”
“Sure.”
We sit on the bench, and I can’t help staring at Ricky's motorcycle. It still stands proudly by the garage and looks like it's been cared for since his death.
“I've been meaning to stop by...”
Before she can go on, I cut in, “It's okay, I’m the one who should have been stopping by here when you lost Ricky and your father.”
“I haven’t been the best company to be around, and I’ve been keeping myself busy with the grandbabies.”
“Two sets of twins will certainly keep you busy.” The small talk makes me internally cringe. “Is that how you get through it? Keeping yourself busy.”
Her chest rising and falling heavily has me nearly regretting asking.
“To be honest, even when I’m busy, I'm moving through a fog. People keep telling me that Ricky would want me to move on, live my life, and I guess I am doing that but him and his absence is with me all the time. When I look at the twins, I see him. When little Tommy laughs, I hear him. He was a part of me and I’m never going to be the same.
I doubt I’ll stop going to tell him something I’ve heard or reach out for him in the night. ”
A tear drops from her eye, and I reach over and hold her hand. “I was afraid to ask and hear your answer. I...”
I don’t know what I was going to say so I say nothing. I look out over her front yard and remember years ago when it would be covered in kids bikes and a swing set. Slade and I brought Zachery and India over for cookouts many times.
We never hosted much, I was always busy working at the shop and when I did have spare time, the last thing I wanted was to play hostess for the club.
“I don’t know what the future holds and I'm not looking to go out of my way to find out. I wake up in the morning and see where the day takes me. I have good days and I have days where I can’t get out of bed,” she tells me.
I can’t even begin to think about the days to come. I have no idea what they look like because they are blank. Without Slade, I can’t see anything.
“Don't you worry about your boys still in the club?”
“Of course I do, but it’s who they are, who they will always be. They can’t change now.”
“I’m trying to get Zach and Nina to leave town with me.”
Her brows raise. “Would Zach leave the club?”
“I’m hoping he will. He's all I’ve got left.”
“Kris, I understand what you’ve lost and how you’re feeling, but you can’t change who Zachery is."
“He’s my son. He's always been worth more than the club. He could go places, be something special out in the world. Every day he stays, he’s wasting his life.”
“He won't see it like that," she argues.
No one in the club will and that’s the problem. I pull my hand back and stand.
“Kristen, no one in this world can give you the answers that will take your pain away. Stay and talk to me. I doubt either of us will get much or any sleep tonight, we might as well keep each other company.”
After a long moment, I sit down again. The silence of the night joins us and for a while we say nothing.
“You’ve never been comfortable around the club, but it was a part of who Slade was, as much as you and the kids were. I don’t blame the patch, and neither should you.”
“That's easier said than done.” I rub at my chest, but the pain still remains.
“I remember when you and Ricky got married, you were so happy. I couldn’t be happier when Slade and I eloped.
I've tried to focus on the good times, but they only remind me that they are all I get to have now. Only memories.” My tears burn my skin as they stream down my face.
“I don’t think I want to be here anymore.
What kind of life will I have without him? "
“No, Kris, you still have Zachery and Sebastian. You can’t think like that.”
“Zach doesn’t need me, he’s a grown man with his own family. If he doesn’t leave the club, I can’t stick around to lose everything I've ever loved.”
I sob and she collects me in her arms.
“My dad used to say that not much could hurt a person more than a mother and her child. I know my boys and their reputation, but the worry I have for them compared to Victoria is night and day. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to put the worry aside, because all it did was waste my life away.”
She sits back and I scrub my face dry of tears. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I don’t know what I'm saying anymore."
I stand and this time, I step away. “I apologise for showing up in the middle of the night.”
“It’s fine, you’re welcome anytime.”
My visit with Kyla becomes a blur the farther I drive.
Every tree I pass, I imagine speeding up and driving straight into them.
Knowing my luck, I’d wreck the car, harm the tree, and walk away unscathed.
I’d end up with everyone pitying me and that, I really can’t bear to live with any more than I already do.
Zachery is sat on the front steps smoking one of his druggie cigarettes. I’ve told him countless times I don’t want the neighbours seeing. The fact they can smell it is bad enough.
I pull onto the drive and turn the car off. Raindrops splash against the window screen and I throw open my door, wanting to miss getting caught in the rain. Zach stands and opens the front door and I step inside, repulsed by the sweet smoke clinging to him.
“How was Kyla?”
Taken back, I ask, “How do you know where I was?”
I kick off my shoes and head through to the kitchen.
“Dad’s been tracking you for years.”
I stop. “He has?”
“I don’t know why you’re so surprised.”
I suppose I’m not, Slade was constantly on his phone or his laptop. A warmth spreads across my chest and I smile.
It’s fleeting but it was there.
“You haven’t been to the club in a while.”
“Don’t go reading into it, I’m needed more here.”
Hesitantly, I ask, “What if I always need you more?”
“Mom,” he warns and I sigh.
“Sebastian will be waking up soon. I’m going to make a start on breakfast.”
Maybe if I keep busy, I can get through this and see a glimmer of a life to live. Though it doesn’t help when I can hear Slade’s last words spoken in this kitchen.
“I don’t know when I’ll be back but I’ll call and keep you updated.”
I’ve heard this so many times, I’ve lost count.
“Babe, you hear me?”
I empty the sink of suds and murmur, “Yeah, I hear you.”
I learned a long time ago that the club is a solid part of our lives. I don’t necessarily come second but I certainly have had to share.
I dry my hands and he crosses the kitchen, pulls me against him and kisses me. After all these years, his kisses still have the ability to make me go weak at the knees.
“You could come with me? See Lana,” he offers.
“I’d rather take a long hot bath and have an early night.”
“If all goes to plan, I’ll be back before you wake.”
I smile. “I’ll be here waiting for you.”
With one last kiss, he grabs his keys from the table and looks back over his shoulder.
“I love you, darlin’.”
“I love you, too.”
If only I knew it would be the last time I saw him.