Chapter 17 Harper
Harper
The club has never been so quiet, even during the night, there’s a brother drunk, stumbling around, or a motorcycle coming or going.
Every night this week has been deathly silent, and my head can’t take it.
It leaves too much time to let the dark thoughts run wild with nothing to distract me.
Every time I close my eyes, I see Leo getting his brains blown out.
He’s not anywhere but in the bar, stood in the place India was when Ellis pulled the trigger ending her life.
It’s exactly the same, only Leo is stood in her place.
I see Slade stumbling around and falling down to the ground, his blood gushing out of the bullet holes peppered across his chest and shoulder.
When it truly gets bad, I can’t stop the intrusive thoughts growing darker of Gunner slipping out of the house and standing in the middle of the gun fire.
He calls for me as tears roll down his little cheeks.
No one sees him and then he’s lying on the ground, bleeding out, and taking his last breath.
When I last suffered with anxiety, they told me to pick a color and find everything the same color until I had distracted myself from the intrusive thoughts.
I pick white and search the room, looking for every white item I can find until Gunner is alive and well, and safe.
He’s sleeping beside me, warm and tucked up under the sheets. Hopefully dreaming of happy things and things that make him laugh.
Leo has been gone for three days, and JJ is nowhere to be seen.
It doesn’t feel much like safety for me.
It feels like fire ants are crawling over my skin.
I can’t toss and turn too much or I’ll wake Gunner.
Yet I can’t bear to lay in bed any longer.
I need to move about and shake off this irritability.
Making sure Gunner is tucked up, I press a kiss to the top of his head and creep out of the room.
I hear Holly murmuring softly to one of the babies as I pass her bedroom.
I could knock and see if she needs any help but I don’t want to make it worse for her if I wake the other baby.
The stairs creak under my weight as I head downstairs.
I pace around the living room until it no longer helps.
Holly has already cleaned the kitchen twice, so there’s no point in spending hours doing it again.
I open the front door, planning on going to track down my husband when I see Dad and Alannah sat out on their porch.
I cross the grassy path between the houses and hold myself to ward off the chill.
Them being awake and out at this time proves to me that this is bad.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Dad asks.
“I’m waiting for Jay to come to bed.”
I'm thrumming with energy, but I can’t let it show, or I’ll see the usual looks of concern I'm used to seeing these days.
“When you bring Leo home, that’ll mean the man who paid the Mercy brother for information will be dead, yeah?”
“That’s the plan, sweetheart.”
Alannah stands and hugs me. “I’m gonna head up to bed, try and get some sleep. Not that I reckon I’ll get much, if any, and I’ll come over and check on you all in the morning.”
“Okay, goodnight.”
She disappears into the house and I sit in her chair and then stand back up. I can’t hide my legs shaking if I'm sitting. I can’t handle it if Dad gets on my case as well. I know he sees everything but usually, he doesn’t bring it up. I need him to be him tonight.
Yet, I still get asked, “You takin’ your meds, darlin’?”
“JJ sorts me out, my head’s not with it at the moment.”
He nods and I look away from his concern. I haven’t lied so he can’t catch me out.
“Why don’t you and Gunner come and stay with Lana while we’re gone?” he suggests.
“I’ll think about it, but Gunner likes it with his cousins, and Holly needs help even though she keeps telling me she’s fine.”
“How’s she really doin’?”
I shrug. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s handling those babies like a superwoman, but they constantly need her, I don’t know when she gets the time to sleep. She's up now with one of them.” Looking over to my brother’s house, I say, “I should get back, if both babies are awake, I should help her out.”
“You’re a good one, Harp’s.”
I'm not but I don’t argue with him. He reaches for a pack of cigarettes and I frown.
“You shouldn’t be smoking,” I remind him.
“A lot is happening that shouldn’t be.”
He isn’t wrong. “Make sure you get some sleep, and ride safe and stay alive.”
“Always am, darlin’,” he says, then adds, “I don’t trust anything at the moment, if the club is hit again, you...”
“I grab Gunner and get to Lana.”
“Good girl.”
I walk away and I’m about to step onto Leo’s porch when a commotion from the gates stops me in my tracks and has my dad rising to his feet.
“Go into the house, Harp’s.”
I do as I’m told, knowing better than to go against an order when a brother thinks danger is around. Holly jumps as I come in and nearly drops the formula. “Where did you just come from? I thought you were in bed.”
“I couldn’t sleep. I was out with my dad.” I cross the kitchen and offer, “Do you need any help?”
Wolf begins to cry and without her having to ask, I pick him up and sway him in my arms while she finishes preparing his bottle.
“I have to keep reminding myself that this stage doesn’t last long,” she murmurs.
She still hasn’t mentioned Leo, and I don’t bring him up. Everyone deals differently and I get that. Though it’s not to say that I couldn’t be as calm as her if JJ were in Leo’s position.
There's a knock at the door and we both stare at one another. If it were Dad, he would let himself in. JJ would let himself in. And Leo is not here.
I pass Wolf over to Holly and peep through the small window in the front door. “It’s Dad with a guy in a suit.”
I open the door, and I catch the tension between my dad and the stranger as they step inside.
“I only let him in cause I knew you were up, he says it’s important and can’t wait.”
Holly sticks the bottle in Wolf’s little mouth and his cries fade to suckling noises.
“You’re Annie’s uncle, aren’t you,” she says.
“I am. Like I told this man, I thought it was best to get this sorted as soon as possible. It’s in the best interest of the kid.”
The man places an envelope on the kitchen island and pushes it toward Holly.
I take back the baby and continue his feeding while standing back with Dad. He watches every move the strange man makes, his hand resting on his side, where I know his gun to be. My dad is getting on with age but I’d still hide behind him and believe he could still protect me.
“Still, I wasn’t expecting you so soon.”
Dad steps closer. “You know who this man is, Holly?”
She nods. “It’s Wolf’s great uncle.”
The man doesn’t flinch, and he never looks at Wolf. Holly slides out the papers from the envelope and flips through them.
Her eyes widen as she reads a check. “Is this right?”
The man nods. “Yes, it should be enough to help with the cost of raising him.”
“And you’re sure Annie doesn’t want to raise him?” Holly urges.
The man is losing patience, I don’t have to know who he is to tell that about him.
“I’m sure,” he says adamantly. “We will have the same deal that I had with Shane. Under no circumstances will you ever tell him about his mother, not her name, nothing. Tell him she died during his birth.”
“Lie to him?”
“If you’re not comfortable lying to him, tell him nothing.”
Dad watches the interaction closely and frowns. “What are we talkin’ about here?”
The man turns to Dad and calmly, as if it’s nothing, tells him, “Mrs Jackson and her husband are going to adopt the boy.”
“Her husband is, is he? The husband who hasn’t been home for a few days?” Dad says cutting his suspicious gaze to Holly.
I wait for her to flinch, but she keeps her head held high. “Cas, this is my business.”
She takes a pen out from the drawer and goes to sign where stated by the little stickers.
Dad crosses the kitchen and slams his hand down on the paperwork. “You can’t sign shit with Leo not here.”
“Yes, I can,” Holly sternly tells him.
“This ain’t you buyin’ a new purse, fuckin’ hell. You're about to bring another kid into the house!”
“Firstly, keep your voice down, the kids are sleeping, and secondly, Shane is dead, and his mother’s family will put him in the system. Wolf was born into this club, and I will raise him with Roman and people who knew his dad.”
“Still, Holly, this is something you should talk with Leo first before signing anything.”
“Cas, Leo and I have a deal. He deals with the club, and I deal with the kids and the house. This is me dealing with the kids and the house.” She looks to the stranger and tells him, “I will sign now, and my husband will sign when he gets home. I will cash the check and make sure Wolf gets every cent when he’s old enough to need it. ”
The strange man nods and then leaves. There are no goodbyes or thanks for taking on his great nephew. Dad stands, glaring at Holly.
“What have you just done?” he asks quietly.
“I’ve adopted a boy who doesn’t have a father because the Mercy chapter were traitors. Leo won’t have a problem with it, I know my husband.”
Dad softens then his face masks over again. “Holly, what if Leo doesn’t come home? You’ll have three kiddies dependent on you.”
Her brows knit together but not in confusion. She's losing her patience. “He will come home, and everything will be fine.”
She shoves the paperwork into a drawer and slams it shut, instantly regretting it. When none of the kids cry out, she exhales long and hard and takes the baby from me as he finishes his bottle.
“I’m going to take this one back to bed, I'll see you in the morning,” she tells me, then tells Cas, “Be careful out there, and bring my husband back. I'd gratefully appreciate it. I’d also appreciate it if you didn’t say anything to him, I will explain myself.”
She leaves Dad speechless as she heads up the stairs.
“It looks like you’ve got a new grandson.” I try not to smile, adding, “And I've got a new nephew.”
“Let’s just hope Leo approves of having a new son.”
“He knows his wife, she took on Rayna like she’s her own. It’s not surprising she wants to take on an orphan.”
“I ain’t saying it’s not a good thing, I’m saying it’s a huge responsibility and Leo should be involved before the ink dries on the paperwork.”
He walks over to the door and reminds me, “Lock up and get some sleep.”
He slips out the front door and I do as I’m told once again, and lock up behind him.
I can’t help myself; I open the drawer and whistle when I check out the million-dollar check.
No wonder Holly gasped and asked if it was legit.
This is life-changing money. I put it back in the envelope and back in the drawer.
Grabbing my phone, I try calling Jay and it rings out.
Shutting off the lights, I climb the stairs.
In the bathroom, I open the medicine cabinet and grab the bottle of sleeping pills.
Popping one into my mouth, I swallow it down.
I catch my reflection in the mirror, and a dark grey lingers under my eyes.
It drips down my cheeks. Pressing my fingers to my cheekbones, the grey spreads down to my jaw.
I squeeze my eyes shut and slowly open them again.
It’s not real. I back out of the bathroom and shut off the light.
It was nothing but the light throwing shadows.