10. Juno
10
Juno
"Jason?" Claire's expression shifted from confusion to surprise. "Alex's brother?" She stared at Juno across the counter. "What about him?"
"His suicide," Juno said, the word still feeling strange in her mouth. "Mrs. Becker told me this morning." When Claire still looked perplexed, she went on impatiently. "That he killed himself, Claire. About six months after I left town. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Oh, Juno." Claire set down her cup, realization dawning. "I thought... I mean, I guess—well, I just thought you knew too. People don't sit around talking about it or anything, but it's not a secret."
"Well, it was to me." Juno turned away, busying herself with wiping down the already spotless counter. "And that Alex found him?"
When Claire didn't respond right away, Juno looked over. Her friend was shaking her head slowly, remembering. "Juno, I'm so sorry. It happened so long ago, and like I said, it's just not a common topic of conversation around here. Everyone was heartbroken about it, and the Framptons were… " She didn't finish the sentence; Juno thought it was because Claire couldn't find a word to describe what it must have been like for them. "Alex was such a wreck. I think everyone was a little worried he'd hurt himself, too."
"What do you mean?"
"Alex went off the rails for a while. Drinking, missing work. Ward practically kept him alive from what I heard. Did you know that Ward took a gap year so he could stick around and make sure Alex survived?"
This was news to Juno, too. "Ward's a good friend."
"He is," Claire agreed. "And he's stuck by Alex through thick and thin, even during the years Ward lived in California." Claire hesitated, then said, "Alex took it hard when Ward moved so far away. That's when all the summer sizzler stuff started, I think. Like he was afraid to get close to anyone who might stick around."
The pieces were falling into place, creating a picture of Alex that Juno hadn't allowed herself to see before. "I can see why that might happen."
Claire eyed her quizzically. "Does knowing about Jason change the way you feel about Alex?"
"Look," Juno said finally, "I get it. What happened explains a lot about why he is the way he is. Knowing what I know now helps me understand him better. But that doesn't change what happened between us."
"Which was what, exactly?" Claire pressed. "You've never really told me."
Juno squeezed the cloth in her hand. "He really never told you?"
"No. All he ever said was that you left town without even saying goodbye, June-bug. He asked me if I'd heard from you, and I told him you'd written, and that you were okay, but I didn't know what else to say. I figured if you didn't want to talk to him, I wasn't going to go behind your back and do so."
Juno couldn't believe the shop was still so quiet, but right now, she was glad for the reprieve. She threw the bar towel in the sink and leaned back against the counter, pressing her palms to the cool steel on either side of her. "I wrote to him, Claire," she stated, her jaw tight. "The night my dad dragged us away. I told him everything—about my dad and all his addictions. About how scared I was that I'd never see Alex again. I even asked—no, I begged—if he could talk to his parents about letting me live with them so I could finish school here."
Claire frowned. "Wow."
"Yeah, wow. And then nothing. He never responded."
"And he couldn't call because you had no phone."
"Yep. Dad and his paranoia. Do you remember that little green phone I saved up for working here?" She gestured at the shop around them. "He stomped on it right in front of me that night. If Alex tried calling or texting, he'd have found out soon enough that the phone was out of commission. And yes, I told him all about that in the letters, too."
"I don't get it," Claire said, shaking her head. "It really doesn't make sense to me. Juno, he was devastated after you left. He moped around campus like the world was ending. His heart was broken."
Juno clenched and unclenched her jaw. "You know what I think? I think he decided I wasn't worth the trouble. I'd put him on the spot by asking if I could stay with his family, and I think he felt like that was my attempt to tie him down, to force a commitment out of him."
"That doesn't sound like Alex, Juno. And why didn't you ever ask about staying with me? Or Liz?" Claire's tone was gentle, but it was obvious by the look in her eyes that she was a little hurt about it.
Juno looked away, shame making her cheeks warm. "I—I just couldn't. If Alex didn't want to have anything to do with me, then it seemed… I don't know, Claire." She sighed. "I guess I knew you'd keep loving me no matter how long it took for me to get back here, but with Alex so quick to write me off, I wasn't sure I could face him right away."
"Did he have your grandma's address?" Claire asked, but she was grasping at straws, trying to explain away Alex's silence. "And then with Jason—"
Juno cut her off. "I gave him the address in the letters I wrote to him." The old pain surfaced, sharper than she'd expected. "An this was months before Jason died. Don't get me wrong; I feel heartsick about Jason and—and Alex, and I'm actually glad I know now because, like I said, it helps me understand the way he behaves. But it doesn't change the fact that I was out of sight, out of mind with him. It doesn't change the way he is now, and I'm still not interested in being with someone who uses women the way he does."
Claire frowned. "It's not just one-sided, June. Those women aren't exactly victims; they use him, too."
"And he doesn't seem to mind, does he?" She was getting back some of the wind in her sails, and the indignation felt good. Comfortable. Familiar.
The bell above the door chimed as a man in a business suit came in, followed by two women in similar attire. All three of them paused just inside the door and looked around, a bit like they were sizing up the place. Juno felt her hackles rise, but then one of the women smiled and exclaimed, "Wow! This place is delightful."
Claire grinned at Juno, helping to ease the tension a little. "Go take care of your customers. I need to get back to my shop anyway."
Juno grabbed her hand before she could slide off her stool. "Are we good? You and me?" she asked, waving a finger back and forth between them a few times. "This morning has been a little overwhelming, and I don't want you worried that I'm upset at you."
"We're good." Claire scooped up her bag. "But I wish you could find a way to make things good with Alex, too. I think you should talk to him, Juno. Find out what happened with those letters."
Juno nodded slowly. "I'll think about it." She wasn't about to commit to anything more than that, but she wasn't lying. There were days when Alex seemed to be all she thought about. She started toward the other end of the counter to take the newcomers' orders, but all three of them were standing back and reading the menu.
"Welcome to Juno's," she said, giving them a warm smile. "If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask."
"Give us a minute, please," the man said, returning her smile. "You have so many great options."
Just then, the phone rang. "Juno's Coffee Bar. I'm with another patron right now. Can I call you back or would you like to hold?"
"Hey Juno." Penny Anderson's pretty voice sounded on the other end of the line. "Call me back when you can take our lunch order."
"Will do, Penny."
Claire was carefully sweeping a few crumbs up into a napkin. "What's Penny calling about?"
"They need to place a lunch order; they've got a whole crew over there this week trying to get the kitchen knocked out before the end of the month. They're missing Alex since he's been out of commission the last few days, but he was on his way over there with Mrs. Becker, so hopefully, he's able to help them just by being there with his experience, even if he can't do a lot of the heavy lifting."
Claire gave her a sideways look. "Are you going to deliver it?"
Juno rolled her eyes. "Nope. I'll send Poppy. She'll be ecstatic at the chance to check up on Alex."
"You wouldn't do that to him," Claire chided.
"Alex is a big boy," Juno shot back.
"You know, understanding why someone hurt you and even forgiving them doesn't mean you have to act like it never happened. But it might help you stop letting that hurt control your choices."
"I'm not—" Juno stopped herself. "This isn't about that. Lunch is our busiest time, and I don't like leaving during the rush." She glanced over at the three customers at the counter, but they were still discussing the menu options. Juno came out from behind the counter and gave Claire a hug.
She gently patted Juno's cheek. "You know," she said casually, "both of you were just kids when all this happened. Maybe neither of you had the tools to handle what came your way."
"Maybe." Juno followed her to the door, keeping an eye on the three still at the counter. "But we're not kids anymore."
Claire paused on the threshold, then said, "Exactly my point."
The door closed behind her, leaving Juno alone with those words echoing in her head. She wasn't acting like a child. She was protecting herself. There was a difference.
Wasn't there?
Understanding would certainly help lead to forgiveness, sure. But forgiveness didn't mean she had to invite him back into her life.