Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
I took a sip from my cup of tea, enjoying the serenity of the kitchen and the falling evening light. It was quiet without Gran and Betty but not in a bad way. There were traces of them all around the flat and I had a long message chain with updates of their holiday in my phone.
It was interesting how someone so far away could still feel close when my life with Agatha had been the exact opposite.
We lived together, worked together, shared the same bed, and there were many times where it felt she was as far away as Mars.
Back then, I thought it was normal to feel like that.
Even Gran had felt distant from me during that time.
I was glad that coming back to the Cobblestones had shown me it could be different. That people could be far away but stay close in my heart.
The pitter-patter of small cat feet sounded on the floor and a blur of orange darted through my vision as Balthazar raced through the kitchen and made a beeline for the window. I just saw the end of his tail before he jumped out, leaving me with lots of questions and no answers.
If I didn't know better, that seemed like a guilty run or an escape.
Something thudded downstairs and I sat up, wondering what I just heard. It wasn't odd to hear the occasional thud or creak, that was likely our resident ghost. But the noise... that didn't sound like a ghost. What did Balthazar do?
There was another noise, this one unmistakably the sound of footsteps. Was someone in the shop? Did someone break in because they knew I was here on my own?
My anxiety spiked as I got up from my seat, looking around the kitchen for a weapon. There was a thick cleaver in the knife block that we never used.
Before I could get it, a voice came up the stairwell.
"Hello? It's me!"
My body relaxed at the sound. Faye. It was just Faye.
"Up here," I called back, wondering what she was doing here or how she'd gotten inside. Had I forgotten to lock the coffee house? I didn't think so.
I moved towards the noise, meeting Faye just as she reached the top of the stairs, her hand sliding up the smooth wood of the rail.
"Balthazar let me in," she said, offering me a sweet smile.
That explained Balthazar's guilty run.
"For a moment, I thought you were a burglar," I said, pausing in front of her so I could pull her in for a well-needed hug.
She held me tight. "I heard you had a run in with my pawpaw."
I nodded in her hair. "Hmm. She reminded me not to hurt you."
"That wasn't her place."
"She's just concerned about you, I think," I said, not sure why I was defending Mrs Li. Maybe because I knew she was right. Because even though I hadn't known or done it on purpose, I had hurt Faye. I hadn't even been around to see how much I hurt her so I only had Mrs Li's warning to go off.
If Mrs Li was warning me, Faye must've been very upset.
Faye let go of me and brushed a strand of hair out of my face. "I'm okay."
"Are you sure? You're not worried I'm going to hurt you again?"
"Well, it's always a possibility. Before you protest, that's just life." She leaned in to press a kiss on my lips. "But you didn't hurt me last time. I got hurt, but it wasn't your fault."
"It was. I hurt you because I had feelings for someone else and I neglected our friendship." Guilt twisted my gut into painful knots. "I'm sorry, I really am."
"Thank you for saying that but I promise I'm okay." She gave me a soft smile. "Yes, it sucked when you fell in love with Agatha but I was also glad to see you happy. And it's not like I didn't have many chances to tell you how I felt, I just wasn't brave enough. That's on me."
While I could see the logic in that, it didn't do much to alleviate the guilt in me.
"And our friendship—”
Faye cut me off. "The reason it lapsed was as much on you as on me.
I also didn't maintain it. It was... hard being your friend when I harboured secret feelings.
Especially when you and Agatha hit a rough patch.
I tried to be a good friend but I constantly worried that I was giving selfish or biased advice. It was really hard."
The heavy feeling in my stomach got even heavier. I hadn't even considered that I'd relied on Faye for relationship advice and how awful that would've been for her.
"Why didn't you stop being my friend?" I asked.
She gave me a confused smile, as if that never once occurred to her. "Because I wouldn't have been able to tell you why and I didn't want you to be upset. We were best friends, after all."
What a devastating thing she said so casually.
If only my teenage self had paid a little bit more attention to Faye, then I might've seen that she was hurting.
I could've done something about it, although maybe I was giving my teenage self too much credit.
If I had known how Faye felt back then... what would I have done?
"I was actually relieved when you and Agatha decided to move to the capital," Faye said, her voice dipping into a higher register that was clearly meant to hide the hurt underneath it. It only made it more painful. "It meant I could let go and move on. It hurt and it was freeing at the same time."
It was odd to hear her put into words how I felt when I left the capital.
I took her hands in mine, my feelings jumbled and confused. I thought dating Faye would be easier because we had so much history but I'd failed to realise that also meant we had more baggage.
"How did you feel when we met again? Here, in the Cobblestones?" I asked, not sure why I was digging deeper into this. But I needed to know. I needed to know how she felt because I was done sticking my head in the sand.
Faye smiled but her eyes were troubled. "I was conflicted. I could tell that you were hurt and I hated that you were going through that. I was never the biggest fan of Agatha but seeing how much she hurt you, I never loathed her more."
I nodded, not surprised to hear that was how she felt.
"And..." Faye paused and her voice changed, taking on a different inflection. "I was grateful too. It felt like the universe was giving me another chance. I actually was glad that you and Agatha broke up and I’ve never loathed myself more either."
So the tone in her voice was shame, and the tremble in her hands was shame.
I let go of her hands and pulled her in a hug, realising that she needed it this time. My poor sweet Faye.
"Don't feel bad," I whispered in her ear, wishing I could hug the pain out of her. "You didn't cause my break-up. You didn't manifest it into existence."
"It was still selfish of me to feel that way," she murmured.
"But it caused no harm." I kissed her temple, hoping to soothe her guilt. "And it's not a bad thing to be a little selfish. It's okay to go after what you want."
Faye relaxed in my arms and it felt like some of the tension left her body. "Be careful saying that. I've wanted you for a long time and now that I have you, I might not ever let go."
"That's okay." I tightened my arms around her, finding solace and reassurance in her embrace. "I won't let go either. I won't hurt you again."
Maybe it was foolish to promise something that couldn't be promised but right here, in this moment, it really felt like it was possible.
If we kept communicating like this, kept feeling this way, kept soothing each other like this, then maybe we could live a whole life without deeply hurting each other.