Chapter Seventeen #3
"I know. I know it is unexpected. I know I have no right to be here, no right to ask anything of you after what I did." He took a step toward her, then stopped, as though afraid of coming too close. "But I had to come. Rosanne wrote to me. She told me about Potter, about his intentions..."
"And so you rode through the night to—what?" Lillian heard the sharp edge in her own voice and did not try to soften it. "To tell me I cannot accept him? To forbid me from making my own choices, as you have forfeited any right to do?"
"No. I mean..." He ran a hand through his already disordered hair, and she saw that it was trembling. "I did not come to forbid anything. I came to tell you...To explain…."
"To explain what? That you were afraid? That loving me was too difficult?
That the prospect of happiness was more terrifying than the certainty of loneliness?
" Her voice was rising now, all the pain of the past weeks pouring out in a torrent she could not control.
"I know all of that, Daniel. I have always known it.
What I do not know, what I cannot understand, is why you would come here now, after everything, and expect me to listen. "
"Because I was wrong." The words burst from him, raw and desperate.
"Because I have spent days telling myself I did the right thing, and every moment has been agony.
Because when I read Rosanne's letter, when I thought of you with him, laughing with him, building a life with him, I could not breathe, Lillian.
I could not breathe when I was thinking that I could lose you. "
Lillian stared at him, her anger warring with something else; something that felt terrifyingly like the hope she had been trying to suppress.
"You had your chance." Her voice was quieter now, but no less fierce. "You had every chance, and you threw them all away."
"I know. I know I did." He took another step toward her, his eyes never leaving her face. "I have been a coward. A fool. I have let my fear of what might happen destroy my chance at what could be. But I am here now, Lillian. I am here, and I am asking you, begging you, to let me try again."
"Try again?" She felt tears prick at her eyes and blinked them back furiously.
"After everything you put me through? You refused to see me.
You treated me as though I were nothing.
You looked at me in your morning room and spoke to me as though I were a stranger, and then you wished my father well as though we had never… .."
Her voice broke, and she pressed her hand against her mouth, fighting for control.
"I know." Daniel's voice was anguished. "I know what I did.
I have replayed that moment a thousand times, hating myself more with each repetition.
I was trying to protect you or so I told myself.
I was trying to save you from what I might become.
But I see now that I was only protecting myself.
Protecting myself from the terror of needing someone, of loving someone, of giving another person the power to break me. "
"And what has changed?" Lillian demanded. "What is different now that was not different then?"
"I am here." He spread his hands, a gesture of surrender. "I am here, and I am terrified, and I do not know if I can be what you deserve but I want to try. I want to spend the rest of my life trying, if you will let me."
"Words." She shook her head, the tears spilling over despite her efforts to contain them.
"You have always been good with words when it suits you, Daniel.
But words are easy. What I need is proof.
Proof that you will not retreat the moment things become difficult.
Proof that I am worth more to you than your fear. "
"Tell me how." His voice cracked. "Tell me what I must do, and I will do it. Anything, Lillian. Anything you ask."
She looked at him, this wounded, terrified, impossible man who had somehow become the center of her world, and she felt the last of her defences begin to crumble.
But she could not simply surrender. Not after everything. Not without knowing that this time would be different.
"You say you want to try," she said slowly.
"Then try. Stay here. Face the scrutiny of Lady Smith and her guests.
Watch me interact with Edward..." She saw him flinch at the name, but she pressed on.
"And do not retreat. Do not run. Prove to me that your presence means something more than a grand gesture born of jealousy. "
"I will stay." The words came immediately, without hesitation. "I will stay as long as you need me to stay."
"And you must understand..." Her voice wavered, but she forced herself to continue.
"Edward proposed to me yesterday. I have not given him an answer.
I will not give him an answer until I am certain, truly certain, of what I want.
If you cannot accept that, if the uncertainty is too much to bear. .."
"I will bear it." He took another step toward her, close enough now to touch, though he kept his hands at his sides. "I will bear anything, if it means a chance to prove myself to you."
Lillian studied his face—the exhaustion, the fear, the desperate hope that he was trying so hard to contain.
She thought about all the reasons she should send him away, about the reasons she should protect herself from further hurt, and about why she should choose the safe and predictable path that Edward represented.
And then she thought about within appropriate bounds, and she knew that safety was not what she wanted.
"Very well," she said. "Stay. Prove yourself. Show me that you can be present when things are difficult, that you will not build new walls the moment I get too close."
"I will." His voice was fierce with conviction. "I swear to you, Lillian."
"Do not swear." She held up a hand, stopping him. "Swearing is just more words. Show me, Daniel. That is all I ask."
He nodded, accepting her terms. And then, slowly, hesitantly, he reached out and took her hand.
His fingers were cold from the long ride, but his grip was steady. Lillian looked down at their joined hands, feeling the warmth begin to spread through her despite the chill of the autumn air.
"I should tell Edward," she said quietly. "He deserves to know that things have changed."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"No." She shook her head. "This is something I must do alone. But..." She looked up at him, and for the first time allowed herself to feel the full weight of what was happening. "Stay. Promise me you will stay."
"I promise." He lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss against her fingers. "I am not running anymore, Lillian. Whatever comes next…..I am not running."
She believed him. For the first time since that terrible morning at his house, she believed him.
But belief, she knew, was not the same as certainty. That would require time, and patience, and the willingness to trust that a wounded man could learn new ways of loving.
She only hoped she had the courage to let him try.