Chapter 2 #3
“It makes a lot of sense. What are you going to do? You can’t just sit and stare at the ocean and wish he was here.
He wouldn’t want you to do that, Mom. That’s why he reminded you about the apartment in Paris.
He wanted that for you. Not just to share with him.
For you. And we’d all like that too. None of us can be here with you, and we don’t want you unhappy here alone.
I know you’re sad, and you have a right to be.
You and Dad had a fantastic marriage, the best I’ve ever seen, and I can only imagine how awful you feel right now.
But he wanted something special for you, to make you happy, as a last gift from him.
You’d be honoring his wishes if you found a great place in Paris and spent some time there.
” She said it as gently as she could, hoping not to scare her off, and that she’d warm to the idea.
“I’d be there alone too,” Sabrina said sadly, her eyes glistening with tears. “It would be no different than here.”
“It would be a lot different, Mom. There’s nothing for you to do here, without Dad.
And now you’re stuck here at the beach, isolated.
You’re not going to the gallery. You love the museums in Paris, the galleries, you love walking all over Paris.
It would be so great for you. That’s what Dad wanted for you.
That was what he was trying to tell you that day on the iPad.
” They both remembered it well, it had been near the end, and Sabrina had paid no attention to the suggestion.
She was dreading what they all knew would happen next, and he knew it too.
An apartment in Paris meant nothing at that point in time compared to the rest. She would have given everything she had to save his life, and no one could.
ALS was a death sentence, a fight they couldn’t win.
“I don’t want to be in Paris without him,” she said firmly, and Lizzie decided to back off. She could always bring it up at another time.
“Then why don’t you take a trip to visit us? Come see me in New York, you can visit Coco in Milan, and Justin in London. We’d love to see you.” Sabrina looked thoughtful listening to her daughter. She liked the idea.
“I’ll think about it,” was all she would commit to. “Maybe in the spring.” Lizzie was desperate to get her mother out of the house.
“You need a plan, Mom, so you’ll do it. Otherwise you’re just going to sit here feeling like shit for the next six months.” Or a year…or ten…but she didn’t say that to her mother.
“I’d feel guilty having fun without him.”
“Why? It’s what he would want, for you to go on living, not bury yourself.
You’re young, you need to get out and see life and people and the world around you.
But first, come and visit us. We’ll have some nice time together in New York.
And then you can visit the others.” Lizzie knew that if she could pull her mother out of the tomb where she had isolated herself, she would start to live again.
The house in Malibu was beautiful, but she was burying herself alive, out of survivor guilt and grief.
But visiting her children seemed respectable even to her.
Lizzie told the others what she had done after the conversation, and both Coco and Justin thanked her and agreed with her.
“I think Paris is too big a step for her right now,” Lizzie said.
“But even getting her to New York would be a victory. It’s killing her, just sitting here and crying over him.
” All three of them knew it was true. After spending almost a week with her over Christmas, they could see how far down a black hole she was.
Too far down to dig herself out. She needed help.
Lizzie had reached a hand out to her, and she didn’t intend to let go.
She was going to keep pushing her until she got her mother out.
If she were going to her gallery and engaged with that, it would be different.
But she wasn’t. She had cut herself off from everything and everyone, and had retreated into seclusion.
She was drowning in her sorrow, and couldn’t find her way out in the dark.
Coco and Justin flew out the next morning, after a warm cozy dinner the night before with food from Mr. Chow.
Sabrina got up to see each of them off at five and six o’clock in the morning, just as she always had.
She got up at any hour to see them off. Lizzie left that afternoon, and Sabrina held her tight before she left and thanked her for all her help.
All three of her children had been wonderful to her while they were there.
She was profoundly sad as she watched Lizzie drive her rented car down the driveway while she waved, and the tears flowed liberally once she was alone again.
Lizzie had reminded her again before she left to think about visiting her in New York. One step at a time.
Sabrina was so depressed after they left that she didn’t eat dinner that night, which wasn’t unusual for her.
She skipped more meals than she ate now.
She went straight to bed, and woke up at two o’clock in the morning, wide awake.
She thought of everything Lizzie had said to her, especially about the fact that her getting a place in Paris was Malcolm’s last wish.
She knew she wasn’t ready for that. But she had warmed to the idea of seeing her children in their respective cities.
Maybe she could pull that off without falling apart.
She could just see her three children and come home, and it might be a fun trip to three different cities that she loved. She didn’t have to go to Paris at all.
Sabrina was awake for the rest of the night, her mind racing.
She felt as though she could handle it. And the reward for every leg of the trip would be seeing one of her children in each place.
She made a cup of tea at seven, and called the airline with the cup in her hand.
They had a seat to New York the day after New Year’s Day.
She booked it online and felt very brave.
It was a first. She was not used to fending for herself.
Malcolm had always made all their arrangements, and planned all their trips.
Sometimes he even surprised her. This time she was surprising herself.
But she knew that Lizzie was right. She had to do something to get herself out of the deep black hole she had been in for six months.
It was only going to get worse if she didn’t.
And Lizzie had struck a chord. Malcolm would not have wanted her to be miserable and lock herself away for the rest of her life.
She booked all the tickets, starting with New York.
From there she would visit Coco in Milan, and Justin in London.
She would finally meet Arabella, whom he was so taken with.
Then she’d fly back to L.A. She didn’t want to look at apartments in Paris.
Maybe one day, but not now. She booked the hotels at the same time.
The Carlyle in New York, the Four Seasons near the via Montenapoleone in Milan, and Claridge’s in London, all her and Malcolm’s favorite places, except for Paris.
Then she sent Lizzie a text and told her she had booked all the reservations.
Lizzie congratulated her for being so brave, and thanked her for coming to see her in New York.
She knew the others would be pleased too.
They had all been worried about her, especially after seeing her at Christmas.
They all wanted to see her get moving again.
It was going to be hard for Sabrina without their father, but fate had dealt her a tough hand and she had no choice but to play it.
At forty-eight, she couldn’t give up on life.
Sabrina realized it now too. Moving forward without Malcolm was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever done.
But she knew she had to, for her children’s sake, and her own.
Sabrina called Hallie to tell her she was leaving on a trip to see her children.
She thought that she’d be gone for about three weeks, and she promised to come to the gallery when she got back, and apologized for staying away for so long.
Hallie didn’t know what had happened or what had changed, but she could tell that Sabrina had turned a corner.
She was coming back to life again. It was going to be painful for her without Malcolm, but she was taking her first steps back on the road to life, and Hallie hoped the trip would go well for her.
Hallie booked a car to take Sabrina to the airport, and she left the day after New Year as planned.
Sabrina looked out the window at L.A. below her as the plane took off, saw the myriad of swimming pools like shimmering jewels beneath her as the plane headed for New York, and as hard as it was to be going without him, knew that Malcolm would approve.