Chapter 15 #2
Normally, I was careful and had more restraint than this.
That was what scared me the most. This connection wasn’t fading, nor was it something I could reason with and make it go away.
It wasn’t just flirting anymore. I didn’t know what it was, but it was turning into something messy and inconvenient, and the worst part was that I was starting to care less and less about the consequences.
I was one hot mess.
“Nate, what are we doing?” I asked, tipping my head back against the tub. “You interrupted my date. More than once. Care to explain what’s really going on here?”
“It’s easy.” He paused, dragging a hand over his face. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you with another man. I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you. When you told me you were on a date, it was the kick in the ass I needed. I got jealous and realized I should have stepped forward sooner.”
I should have shut this down and reminded him of what we had agreed to. But he was right. This has been building for both of us, whether we wanted it to or not.
“Do you know why I went on a date?”
He exhaled slowly. “Tell me.”
I didn’t want to admit it out loud, but the truth had been sitting in the back of my mind all night.
I met his gaze through the screen. “I wanted to prove to myself that I could.”
Something unreadable passed through his eyes. “How did that work out for you?”
“It obviously didn’t.” A laugh slipped out. “I kept comparing him to you, and he was coming up short in every measurement possible.”
I spent two hours sitting across from a very nice man. A little odd, but nice and respectful. Every time he would smile, I caught myself thinking about someone else. Every time he would laugh, I would think about how wrong it was.
He ran a hand through his hair. “Listen, I know things are complicated, but I don’t want to keep pretending that I don’t want to be with you, just because it’s easier for both of us.”
I gazed up into his blue eyes. “There is nothing easy about this. If word got out, it could wreck my career.”
“You don’t think I know what this could cost you? Why do you think I stayed away? Putting a stop to this might be the smartest move, but it doesn’t feel like the right one. This feels too important not to pursue it.”
I let his words hang there between us. There was so much doubt and fear, but he was being open and honest. Something I don’t think he did very often with many people.
It also wasn’t lost on me that he could be out with his teammates, at a bar or a strip club. Instead, he was sitting alone in his hotel room, thinking about me. “You’ll be back tomorrow night, won’t you?”
He leaned forward, and I wanted to could reach through the screen and touch him. “I wish I didn’t have to wait that long to see you.”
His eyes were growing heavier by the second. “You should probably get some rest. I don’t want to be the reason why you’re so distracted tomorrow. You need to focus on the game.”
He sighed. “You’re probably right.”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
“Thanks. I’ll score a touchdown just for you.” He winked.
“Try to score more than one,” I teased.
He chuckled. “So, what now? Where do we go from here?”
“Let me talk to my boss first, okay? Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, this affects my job.”
My reputation and credibility were at stake.
“Do you think your boss will give you a hard time?”
That was a good question. What we were doing wasn’t illegal. We were two consenting adults. It was more about perception and credibility. No matter how I tried to rationalize it, transparency mattered.
“I don’t know, but if I’m going to risk it, I need to know what I could potentially lose.”
“I understand.” He exhaled slowly. “How many more sit-downs do we have until you’re finished with this assignment?”
“One or two, but it’s not that simple. If people find out, they will still talk.”
“So, basically what you’re saying is people will assume you got access because you were sleeping with me.”
“That’s exactly what I don’t want people assuming.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s bullshit, and I will physically fight anyone who tries to discredit you.
You’ve earned this, and I’ll be damned if I become the reason that costs you something you worked so hard for.
I also don’t want you to feel like you have to choose between me or your career. ”
And just like that, the edges I’d been gripping on to started softening.
I didn’t realize how much I needed his understanding until now.
He could have told me I was overreacting and thinking too hard, but he didn’t.
He wasn’t trying to rush this forward or make this all about him.
He was giving me space to handle this on my own. On my terms.
“I don’t want that either. I’d like to choose how to handle both. I’ll talk to her tomorrow and see what she says.”
After we hung up, I lay back, staring up at the ceiling fan.
Maybe we hadn’t done anything wrong, but it certainly wasn’t innocent either.
I’ve built my reputation carefully, and now I was gambling with it.
I was risking everything I had worked for.
If Nate and I had any chance at all to move forward, I needed to figure out how to protect us both from the fallout.