Chapter Eleven
Once most of the Chinese food had been consumed and the conversation fell into a lull, Hudson pushed back from the table. “Dinner was decent. Thanks. I’m going to crash.”
Already? Then Heavenly realized it was after ten pm on the East Coast. “Sure. There are extra pillows in the closet if you want more,” Heavenly called after him.
“And help yourself to the Xbox,” Beck added. “Seth has a collection of games down there, mostly first-person shooters and RPGs.”
“I play those, too. Cool,” he said before he disappeared down the stairs.
She waited until Hudson’s door closed before tossing the last of the takeout containers in the trash, while Beck wiped off the table. When they finished, he took her hand. “Come on. Let’s go upstairs and talk, little girl.”
“I think we should. There’s…a lot.”
Once they reached their bedroom, Heavenly wrapped her arms around herself as she stared out the window, into the backyard. The pool lights cast rippling blue shadows across the water, but she barely saw them.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Beck’s voice was soft behind her, but she heard his concern.
She turned to find him leaning against the doorframe, his dark hair mussed from running his hands through it. The stress lines around his eyes had deepened since Hudson’s bombshell arrival, and she wanted nothing more than to smooth them away.
“Seth was fifteen when Hudson was born. Just a kid himself. I don’t know how he’s going to take this as an adult.”
He joined her at the window, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I don’t, either.”
“Just as I thought our lives were coming together…they’re going to get really complicated.”
“Nothing about our lives has ever been simple, but we’ve made it work. Don’t worry, little girl, we’ll figure this out, too.” As he turned her to face him and pulled her in close, she melted against his chest, breathing in his familiar musky scent.
“Hudson is so angry. That ‘sperm donor daddy’ comment was awful and heartbreaking at the same time.”
Beck stroked her hair, clearly trying to soothe her. “His whole life, Hudson has believed that his father knew about him and just didn’t give a shit.”
“Seth finding out he has a sixteen-year-old son he knew nothing about will be shocking enough, but when he realizes the kid hates him…”
“Yeah.” Beck nodded. “It’s going to shock the fuck out of him.”
“Totally. And what will this news do to his relationship with his mother?” Heavenly closed her eyes. “If it’s already strained, that will make him telling her about us even harder. What if she never accepts us?”
That might kill him.
“Don’t borrow trouble, little girl.”
They stood in silence, their concerns hanging heavy in the air. She closed her eyes and imagined how Seth would react when he walked through the door, expecting some sort of normalcy…only to be blindsided by a son he never knew.
“You’re right, but the timing couldn’t be worse.” She sighed. “Seth is still coming to terms with his guilt for Tristan’s and Autumn’s deaths, and it’s like the universe is conspiring against him. Against us. What if he can’t handle a teenager in his life? If he rejects Hudson? Or leaves us?”
“Shhh.” Beck placed a finger against her lips. “Seth might shut down. But it’s also possible that he’ll take one look at Hudson and see all the opportunities he lost with Tristan. Then?” Beck gave her a sanguine shrug. “Knowing Seth, he’ll get so overprotective he’ll annoy the hell out of the kid.”
“You’re probably right.”
“Seth may need the chance to be the father to Hudson he hardly got to be with Tristan.”
Beck’s observation made her throat tight. She loved that he had the ability to really see people and the insight to understand them.
“What if Hudson refuses to listen? What if he’s determined to hate Seth?”
“The kid wouldn’t have flown across the country just to tell Seth to shove it up his ass.
He would have stayed in Cromwell, used the money he spent on plane fare to buy video games, and kept bad-mouthing his ‘sperm donor dad’.
He’s going to lash out, but under all that anger?
He secretly wants Seth to care about him. ”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I promise you, that boy is desperate for a father, even if he’d rather die than admit it.
And despite whatever his mother told him, Hudson needs the truth.
” His voice was steady, certain. “We just have to make sure he gets it. The bigger question is, what happens next? Hudson brought more with him than a change or two of clothes. I’m not convinced he had any intention of going home.
I don’t think he has a lot to go back to—at least in his head. ”
She hadn’t thought of that, but Beck had a point. The kid’s backpack and duffel were both bulging, and his relationship with his mother sounded strained at best. Fair or not, he seemed to resent his stepfather and their new baby.
“You’re right. He feels invisible there. Do you think he’s hoping to…stay here?”
Beck shrugged. “That’s my guess. He might not admit it, but he came to see if he could salvage anything with Seth. If not…I think he intends to strike out on his own.”
Heavenly gasped. “Sixteen is too young.”
“I managed at that age…but barely.”
“If you hadn’t found Gloria—”
“I’d be dead.”
Heavenly’s heart caught in her throat. “If anything happened to Hudson, it would destroy Seth. We can’t let that happen.”
But she was painfully aware that meant taking Hudson in. Parenting. Raising a belligerent, rebellious teenager. What would that do to their lives? What would happen when they inevitably had a baby? Would Hudson feel forced out again? Flee and put himself in danger?
“I should check on him.” Heavenly started to pull away.
Beck held her tight. “Give him space tonight. Tomorrow will be soon enough for…whatever happens.”
The urge to comfort the angry, hurting boy downstairs tugged at her.
She’d always felt compelled to care for the people around her.
It was one reason she was studying so diligently to become a nurse.
But her father’s death had taught her that she couldn’t fix everything simply because she wanted to.
“You’re right. I’m going to get ready for bed. It’s early…but I feel exhausted.”
“We should probably wind down since Hudson is on another time zone and may be up at the ass crack of dawn.”
“Good point,” she said as she began washing her face and brushing her teeth.
Beck stripped and hopped in the shower. She always enjoyed gawking at him. The people he worked with had no idea the muscles and tattoos he hid under his dress shirts and lab coat. But she did, and she loved every inch of him. Tonight, though, she had too much on her mind to do more than stare.
As he stood under the pelting spray, she patted her clean face dry—and a realization burned through her head. “Seth never called or texted us today.”
Beck froze, then tried to shrug it off. “It’s his last night there. He’s probably just busy.”
Maybe, but… “It’s not like him. He almost always checks in, makes sure we’re okay.” Fear crept into her voice. “Do you think something happened in New York? What if…he’s having second thoughts about starting a family?”
“If anything’s going on with him, we’ll deal with it when he gets home.”
Heavenly hated to be negative, but avoiding the terrifying possibilities wouldn’t solve anything. “What if he decides he can’t handle all this?”
“We’ll remind him how good we are together.” Beck’s voice was as fierce as his dark eyes, even through the steamy glass. “That we’re worth fighting for.”
She nodded, hoping that was enough.
Seth stared out the airplane’s window at the patchwork of land below, his stomach churning with more than turbulence.
The guilt and regret from yesterday’s visit to his old house wouldn’t fucking quit.
Hell, he’d barely stepped through the door before the onslaught of memories had pulled him under, and he’d run.
Less than five minutes, and he’d let the specters of Autumn’s and Tristan’s memories drive him out.
The house shouldn’t still haunt him, much less hold this much power over him. The fact that it did terrified Seth.
Why the hell can’t I get over it? What do I tell Beck and Heavenly?
They’d been so patient. Seth had convinced himself that the passing of time and embracing of his new life had allowed him to conquer his demons. But he’d been blowing smoke up his ass. One step into his past, and he couldn’t deny that he was still spectacularly fucked up.
As much as Seth ached for a future with Beck and Heavenly, wanting and actually being able to were two entirely different things. He was learning that the hard way.
God, he fucking hated being right back where he’d started.
The flight attendant’s voice crackled over the intercom, announcing their descent into LAX.
Seth clenched the armrests. Beck and Heavenly were at home, undoubtedly waiting to pelt him with questions—about the twins, about any inroads he’d made with his mom, about their future. And, of course, eager to keep trying for the baby they both longed for.
The baby that both excited and terrified Seth to the depths of his soul.
He closed his eyes, remembering Beck’s face the last time they’d made love to Heavenly.
He’d seen not just a primal satisfaction, but hope.
And Heavenly—god, the way she’d looked at him afterward, like he was her whole world.
They deserved better than his inability to control his fears and exorcise his demons.
He knew his misgivings were irrational…but that didn’t change shit.
Every time he thought about getting Heavenly pregnant, about holding their child, he was thrilled at the notion of claiming her so ultimately…
even as panic clawed at him. What if he failed at fatherhood again?
What if he couldn’t protect this family? What if—
Stop. He shoved down his internal chaos.