Chapter 7
Power Moves
I step into the other side of the Oratory testing zone—a room made of computerized mirrors.
I notice Lenon watching a student. The student grabs his neck, exhaling, his throat running dry while Lenon drinks a bottle of water, yawning at the student’s struggle to continue speaking.
Beside Lenon is Pesh with a notepad. Oh no, he is the other Patron who will administer the test. Urgh, that defeats my entire plan to get in trouble.
“You don’t seem too eager. Afraid of telling the truth?” Pesh asks, handing me the headphones I will have to wear during this test.
“I always tell the truth.”
“Sure,” he says with a smirk as I frown, confused on how he sees right through me. “Look this way, toward the wall, and talk. Timer starts… now,” he says.
I begin to speak on my prepared topic of power.
“Power is like water. It’s much like a fire.
The same power that can burn an entire forest and kill people is the same fire that can make a meal, feed a starving soul and make you feel warm.
The water that can quench your thirst is the same one that can drown a person and flood a country.
We all desire power, even if we don’t know it.
It could be power to change things, to lead, to find something or someone.
It could be power to make someone tell us something… ”
I pause because the screen starts to confuse my words. It shows me the opposite of everything I am saying, so I try to fight it by involving my emotions, in order to avoid being tricked by the computerized mirror words.
“Trying to keep power over ourselves sometimes stops us from being honest with the ones we really love… The ones whose love we crave. We’re afraid of their power over us to render us powerless.
Like the predicament of powerful parents…
My parents are so powerful, they leave me powerless.
Powerless to their attention and to their affection. ”
Lost in my emotions, I begin to deviate.
“The other day, talking to a friend—well, I’m not quite sure if he’s a friend yet, or if he’s the enemy, since we come from different power structures, but I realized something in my first conversation with him while I was trying to get him to use his power.”
Lost in the audience of Pesh, I begin to let my thoughts relax and unintentionally speak only to him.
“I made this friend a challenge. I asked him what he would do if he had the opportunity to save someone he loved, wouldn’t he use all of his power to do it?
It was then that I understood that I have that opportunity to do that with my parents.
They’re alive! And I’m sure if they were dead or lost, I would spend every day telling myself that if I had another chance or if I could find them somehow, I would fight for our relationship and tell them the truth of how they make me feel, of how I really feel.
I would let myself be honest with them, thereby rendering myself powerless before them. ”
Tears cloud my eyes, and I continue to deviate from my speech, lost in my emotions.
“I grew up deluding myself into thinking that I would have the courage to tell my parents the truth, the truth of how abandoned they make me feel, the truth of how alone they make me feel, the truth of how powerless they render me to their love. Because of them, I guard myself, afraid of opening my heart to be fully loved by any other person. But the truth is, it is not because of them that I hide. It is not only because I do not trust them that I speak in riddles. It is because I do not trust myself. I do not trust me to be enough for them. I do not trust me to be enough for you. I do not trust me to impress them. I do not trust me to impress you enough. I do not even trust me to impress you in this Oratory Test.”
I stop speaking, realizing what I’ve just done. I’ve just given him… I mean them… too much information about my train of thought. I allowed it to get personal. I struggle to continue my speech for the next four hours and 47 minutes…
I glance Pesh’s way, tired. As he takes the headphones off my ears, he looks into my eye with an empathetic gaze. He keeps staring, saying nothing. I sense that he is wanting me to look at him, so I look up, puzzled at his persistent gaze, and just as he is about to speak, we are interrupted.
“Ahem…” Patron Lenon coughs and looks our way. “Can I get those, Patron Pesh?” he says, referring to the headphones.
Pesh hands him the headphones, making no eye contact.
Patron Lenon stares at us with wary eyes.
Pesh seems to be unbothered by Lenon. He tilts his head down and looks at me, his eyes focused only on me, with a protective look.
He is about to speak, but before he can, Patron Lenon interrupts, “Test is over, Golden Girl. Get out.”
Why did he call me that? Does he suspect me of something? Is he alluding to something I don’t know?
I instantly leave, afraid of what I have just done by revealing to Pesh so many parts of my heart. Of course, I am worried that I stared at him in public while Patron Lenon was there. But I’m not so concerned about that, because I was planning to try to get in trouble with him before this test.
Now, I am not so sure what I want to do.
I wonder if my unintentional confession has any effect on Pesh at all. I wonder if we have a connection. And if this connection is powerful enough for him to help me find Levon. Or if I have to proceed with my plan of getting sent to the dark dungeon.
Which is worse, falling for The Commons, or letting The Commons fall on me?