Chapter 14
Natalie: Remember The Hangover? That morning-after scene?
Charlotte: Is this your way of telling me you’re missing a tooth? Because I’m not okay with that. You have very nice white, straight teeth.
Natalie: Ha. The fangs are fine. My head still hurts, but my throat got intimately acquainted with some aspirin and a coffee chaser already, so I’m surviving the after-effects. Now, try again.
Charlotte: Oh, wait! Bradley Cooper is shirtless in your suite?
Natalie: Nope. But a girl can dream :)
Charlotte: Um, Zach Galifianikas is . . . pantsless?
Natalie: One more guess.
Charlotte: There’s a tiger in your tub?
Natalie: I’m taking away your movie card. Moving on . . .
Charlotte: *insert epic eye roll* Did you use all, some, or none of the six-pack of raincoats you brought along? Did you get drunk with your boss? Kiss your boss? Sleep with your boss? Spend the night with your boss?
Natalie: We used nearly all. Which means yes to all of the above. And there’s something I’ve got tell you.
Charlotte: !!!!!!!! Tell me everything now. Start with the good stuff. HOW WAS THE DEED?
Natalie: It was amazing. Look, everything was amazing. Well, one thing wasn’t. But I’ll get to that.
Charlotte: What??? Does he have bad breath? Ugly toes? Does he fart in his sleep?
Natalie: NO!!!!! NO!!!! NO!!!
Charlotte: Then what would be bad?
Natalie: First, the good stuff. The kissing, the talking, the laughing. We get along so well. He cracks me up. He cares about me. He’s good to me. And he kisses me like . . . well, like I’ve always wanted to be kissed.
Charlotte: Swoon . . . Like the world will end and nothing else matters but the kiss?
Natalie: Yes. And the sex. Oh dear God, the sex. Beyond anything I could imagine.
Charlotte: And you have a good imagination.
Natalie: I do, I do, I do. It was just all so good. But there’s something I have to tell you.
Charlotte: You didn’t come?
Natalie: No, I didn’t stop coming. I lost track. I had twenty orgasms. Maybe six. But it felt like twenty. Or two hundred.
Charlotte: So what’s the problem? Well, besides the little issue of him being your boss and you being his employee and I therefore being a very bad sister for encouraging you to pursue the man you’re totally hot for?
Since everyone knows boss-employee relationships are a massive no-no and always end up in heartbreak.
But if anyone breaks your heart, I will kick him in the balls twenty times.
Bottom line—am I kicking him in the balls?
Natalie: I *might* have married him last night. (Hello? Don’t you remember Ed Helms waking up married?)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Natalie: Um. Hello? Are you there? Bueller?
Charlotte: &*$#%^
Charlotte: TELL ME YOU ARE KIDDING.
Charlotte: Tell me that’s one of your patented Natalie-is-pulling-my-leg-jokes???
Natalie: Don’t yell at me! It makes my head hurt!
Charlotte: I will damn well yell at you for something like this! And why didn’t you tell me sooner?
Natalie: I was trying to, but then we got to the sex questions. Anyway, relax. I panicked a little when I woke up, but after the caffeine and aspirin helped me recover some of my lost brain cells, I already have a plan to fix this.
Charlotte: I can’t believe you married him. I know you’re hot for him. Have you lost your mind????
Natalie: We were just really drunk.
Charlotte: Well, unmarry him. Like, now.
Natalie: I will. Obviously.
Charlotte: How did it happen?
Natalie: The officiant said “I now pronounce you hound dog and wife.” Or something like that.
Charlotte: Not the actual ceremony. I KNOW how vows go down. I meant EVERYTHING LEADING UP TO IT.
Natalie: We were on the gondola. Someone else proposed.
We decided to do it, too. It seemed like a brilliant, fun, amazing idea at the time, like all ideas do when you’ve had a half-dozen drinks.
So we got married. Then we had more sex.
In the limo. Behind a slot machine. But before then it was on a pinball machine. And kinda on a rollercoaster, too.
Charlotte: Fine, you get a medal for Outstanding Achievement in Public Sex. And I get that it was the best sex of your life, but you can’t let it fry your brain, hon. I mean, date him maybe, Nat. But don’t marry him.
Natalie: Don’t worry. We won’t be married much longer. And we won’t be dating, either.
Charlotte: Why??? Forget everything I said above about it being a bad idea. You said he’s good to you. Why not date?
Natalie: Shoot. He’s waking up. I’ll tell you when I get back to New York.
Charlotte: Dying here waiting . . .