Chapter 41
THE BIG IF
Chase
The text arrives when I’m walking to my mom’s home for the lunch she planned last week—the one with the guy I used to call my best friend.
Ryker: Let’s talk. Today.
That’s a relief. I was about to send him one saying the same thing. I hit reply.
Chase: Agree. Let’s do it in about ten minutes.
But the rest of the way, I’m still a powder keg.
Too many emotions swirl inside me. I’m still pissed at Ryker for the attitude and a half that he gave me a week ago.
I’m filled with regret for letting go of Trina.
And then, there’s this brand-new emotion that’s jostling all the others like bumper cars.
Obsession, I think?
But that doesn’t feel quite right.
Sure, I can’t stop thinking about Trina. Yes, I can’t stop wanting her. But I also want to shower her with gifts and pleasure and kisses and sex and adoration and so much more.
Is that obsession?
Hell if I know, but the question is driving me mad.
It was driving me mad when I was in New York and then in Boston.
It’s reached a boiling point now that I’m in the same vicinity as she is.
I’m itching to go see her, to find her, to tell her I wake up thinking of her, I go to bed and dream of her, and I spend all day wanting her.
I don’t know how to contain all these feelings. But I know this—I no longer want to.
It’s time to deal.
When I reach my mom’s home, she swings open the door. I relax for a second, giving her a hug and handing her a three-bean salad I picked up at the gourmet shop she loves.
“Good to see you, Mom,” I say.
“You too. You look good. But out of sorts,” she says, reading me right away.
“I feel out of sorts,” I admit.
She nods sagely. “It’s about a girl, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I say, relieved.
“Well, sort it out, kid,” she says, and on that simple piece of advice, I head inside, feeling a little less tightly wound.
I breathe in the lavender scent of her home—one she owns fully, thanks to the money she and my dad put away.
She’s been able to do that partly because I pay for college for my brothers, so she never had to worry about that.
But as I walk through her bright, cheery home, it hits me—we’ve done it. Mom and me. She’s made it through the tough years. I helped her like my dad asked me to. But she helped herself too.
Now, she’s secure and my brothers are set. Maybe it’s time to take care of me finally.
I’m ready at last. Hell, that’s probably why I’m obsessed.
In the kitchen, I find Ryker’s mom pouring a glass of chablis. “Hi, Chase. You better have brought a good salad this time. I still have nightmares about the egg salad from last month,” she says, then shudders.
I smile, grateful for the levity, then give her a hug. “This one is good. I promise.”
I don’t sit though. I’m antsier than I ever have been for a simple lunch. More out of sorts than when I’ve stepped onto the ice during playoffs.
For all my time spent taking care of people, I’m clueless about romance.
But maybe it’s like hockey. When the puck drops, you go after it. Seconds after Ryker rings the bell then comes inside, I don’t waste time. “Excuse me, ladies,” I say to the moms, then I tip my forehead to the patio. “We need to talk.”
“Yes, we do,” he says.
But before he heads outside with me, he looks to his mom, then mine. “Nice to see you. I guess I’ve been summoned.”
His mom shoos him off. “Wish I could get my popcorn and watch, but you boys probably need to figure out your girl situation on your own.”
Our moms are both smiling, and maybe, just maybe, they’re on our side. That’s a wild thought. But I’d better not put the cart before the horse.
Once we’re on the back patio, I dive in. “I’m mad at you, but I’m mad at me too.”
“Welcome to the club,” he says.
“Everything is a mess, and we need to straighten it out,” I say, determined, like I was the night of the wedding but in a whole new way and for a whole new goal.
“That’s what I was telling you a week ago.
But then you didn’t even ask me what I wanted with Trina and, for fuck’s sake, with the three of us, man,” he says, but he doesn’t sound angry now.
He sounds pissed but vulnerable, and that’s a different beast. I can work with this beast. Hell, I am this beast too.
“You just decided how it was going to be. You didn’t even ask what I wanted or what she wanted. ”
“That’s fair,” I say honestly, taking it on the chin, letting go of my anger like he’s let go of his. “I’m sorry I was a unilateral dick.”
He nods, accepting it. “And sorry I was a turtle dick.”
“What?”
“I retreated. Like a turtle.”
“You do know turtles and dicks aren’t the best comparisons?”
“They kind of are though.”
I laugh, and it feels good to laugh again with him. But the laughter dies quickly.
There’s business to deal with. The business of love.
Ryker stares me down. “Let’s try it again. What do you want?”
I appreciate that he’s taking the lead on fixing things, but I should be the one asking him.
That’s what I didn’t do last time. “What do you want?” But while I should wait for him to answer, I also need to be more honest with myself, so I start now and I say the hard thing.
“Since we’re both in love with the same woman. ”
His eyes widen with a surprise I’ve never seen before, then he grins a crooked grin. “Took you long enough to figure it out.”
I laugh. “No, dude. You were easy to figure out. I knew you were in love with her by the second day. Easily.”
He shakes his head, laughing. “That’s not what I mean, dickhead. Took you long enough to figure out you’re in love with her too.”
I shrug, but it’s a hopeful one. For the first time since I behaved like a control freak, I feel hope. “That’s probably true too.”
And this obsession? It’s not only obsession. It’s love, and it’s terrifying, but it’s also thrilling. “So what are we going to do about it?”
Ryker grins like a cat. “At last, he gets it. That’s what I wanted to talk about.”
I’ve needed this talk so badly. I want to share her love so much—if she’ll have us and that’s a big if. “So, talk. Since I talked too much last time.”
Ryker’s easy to read this time as he runs a hand through his hair, like that unwinds his tension.
“A lot of things pissed me off that night. First, I made this promise to you that I wouldn’t let a woman come between us, and I didn’t.
So I let her go, and that damn near killed me.
It devastated me to let her walk out. It’s been eating me up inside.
But I don’t just want her.” He takes a deep breath, then pushes on. “I want us both to have her.”
Yes! Holy fuck, yes. I can’t erase this stupid grin because I want that too.
“I want us to share her,” I say, my voice full of wild hope. “I want us to love her together. She lights up with both of us. She’s like a flower, and she needs two suns. She needs her two men. She thrives with you and me.”
But Ryker’s smile disappears. “But if I were her, I don’t know that I’d even remotely consider seeing the two of us idiots ever again.”
My heart drops. “We really fucked up, didn’t we?”
“Big time.”
I pace the patio, scrubbing a hand across the back of my neck. “Why the hell didn’t I figure it out sooner?”
“It’s a little complicated,” he says dryly.
I chew on that for a minute. “It is but it’s also not.”
“How do you figure?”
“Because,” I begin, and I strip down my defenses. I let down my guard. “Because she told us she was falling for us when she left, and we let her walk away.”
Ryker practically bolts for the door. “We need to get our girl back. And we need to do it right away.”
“Yes, we do. But we also have to do it the right way,” I say.
Good thing I have some excellent ideas.