Chapter 11
eleven
HARPER
I somehow make it through dinner without either strangling Finn or blurting out he’s going to be a daddy.
A big part of me did want to lay it out there, but my uncle’s restaurant is not the place.
There’re too many people around, too many prying eyes and listening ears.
Finn’s face was fear-stricken when he thought our little tryst was on Buzz Wheel, so no way he could handle the news we’re pregnant after one night together.
But we need to have the conversation this weekend.
Tamra not coming is actually a blessing in disguise, even if it means I have to be alone with him for the next two days.
The worst part is, I’m still attracted to the damn guy. When he walked in the door wearing a deep blue button-up and charcoal dress pants, his hair slicked back, I instantly felt my libido roar to life. But he’s not mine to gawk at. I’m only carrying his baby, he’s marrying someone else.
This situation is already messy enough. It doesn’t need to be further complicated by my attraction to a man who isn’t available.
We finish dinner, and I’ve made notes in my phone about all of Finn’s selections. After thanking Colin for all his help this evening, we make our way out of the restaurant and onto Main Street.
The sun is just setting and has painted the sky in hues of burnt orange and golden yellow. It’s beautiful, and if we were on a date right now, it’d be the perfect romantic backdrop.
“I’ll meet you at the flower shop tomorrow morning then?”
Finn is looking at me in a contemplative way.
I’m not sure what’s going through his head.
“Harper, I just want to say how sorry I am that you’ve been caught up in this.
I know it’s not an ideal situation, but I appreciate you being so professional and helping us out with everything for the wedding. ”
“Well, you’re paying me.” I give him a wan smile.
The way he’s looking at me reminds me of how he looked at me the night of Palmer’s wedding before he invited me back to his room. His gaze travels from my face, down, and back up again.
I clear my throat and pull my gaze. “Okay, well, I texted you the address for the flower shop, but it’s right down the street there.” I motion in the direction of Bloom.
He’s still looking at me as if he wants to take me back to his hotel room again, not saying anything.
“I’m going to go.” I turn to head to where I’m parked down the street.
What the hell was that about? He’s an engaged man. There’s no way he was looking at me as though he wanted me to be his dessert. I have to be imagining things.
* * *
I’m settled into bed with the TV on, thinking of all the things I have to do next week—book an appointment with my doctor, get prenatal vitamins, head to Sunrise Bay to The Story Shop and see if they have any books on pregnancy to educate myself, and find the app Palmer told me to sign up for that will send me a weekly update as to whether my baby is as big as a pea, a walnut, or a melon.
My phone buzzes on my nightstand, and I pick it up to see my cousin Jack’s name on the screen. I’m surprised he’s calling since we usually communicate through memes. He lives out in Los Angeles with his wife, Shelly.
“Hey, Jack, how’s it going?” I answer.
“That’s what I’m calling to ask you.”
I still, putting him on speaker and scrolling to the Buzz Wheel app. Oh shit, did someone find out? Who? I’ve been so careful.
“What do you mean? I’m fine.” Buzz Wheel is taking forever to pull up, and I try to even out my voice so I don’t sound as if I’m hiding something.
“Are you sure?” He sounds skeptical.
“Yeah… why?” Come on, fucking Buzz Wheel.
“You haven’t sent me any memes in weeks, which is not like you. Thought I might have to send out a search party.” He chuckles, but the concern remains in his voice.
My shoulders deflate as Buzz Wheel finally loads on my phone, and I read about my cousins and the Anderson twins at Lucky’s.
“I’ve just been busy with work. I have some out-of-town clients taking up all my time.” I try to keep my voice light.
“Bullshit.”
I cringe.
“Be real with me, Harp. If you don’t want to talk about whatever it is, that’s fine. But don’t bullshit a bullshitter.”
I sigh. It’s not that I don’t want to tell Jack. Hell, everyone will know soon enough. But I know that he and his wife have been struggling to conceive a child for a couple of years. It feels insensitive to complain to him about an unplanned pregnancy.
Then again, if I don’t tell him, when he finds out in a few weeks, he’s going to be upset with me. Especially since he asked me directly.
“Fine. But you can’t say anything, okay?” I say.
“You know I can keep my mouth shut.”
“I’m pregnant.”
He’s quiet for a few heartbeats, and I worry that maybe I made the wrong decision in telling him. Then he laughs. “Don’t ease into it, Harp. Leave it to you to just blurt it out like that.”
I shrug, though he can’t see me. “I am who I am.”
“I’m guessing from your tone of voice this is not something you planned?”
“Well, let me see… I slept with the best man at Palmer’s wedding, and now I’m the wedding planner for him and his fiancée’s October wedding, so no. Not planned.”
Another beat of silence. I swear I have some uncanny ability to silence people.
“What the fuck? Are you serious?”
I explain the whole situation to him, including Adley almost outing me with her pink lines sick test and how I plan to tell Finn tomorrow.
“Jeez. Harp, that’s a lot. I’m sorry.”
“It’s my own fault. Everyone always told me this would happen.” I laugh, but I can hear the shrill note to my voice.
“Hey, stop that. I never liked those jokes, but even so, you’re entitled to live your life however you want. You’re not hurting anyone.”
“Are you sure? Because I’m about to throw a grenade into a happy couple’s wedding plans tomorrow morning.” I cringe.
“I’m pretty sure he was there too. You didn’t end up in this situation alone.”
I love Jack and didn’t realize until right now how much I needed his advice on this matter.
“I know.” I drag my finger over a line in the print on my comforter, following its path. “But I hate this so much.”
He sighs, and even over a phone line, I feel his empathy for my situation. “If you need anything, let me know, all right?”
“Will do. Enough about me though. How’s Shelly?”
Usually when I ask this question, he starts in on some story about something funny or amazing his wife has done, but he doesn’t do that this time.
I can’t help but wonder if it’s because of the news I just told him, and he’s wondering how he gets off the phone and tells his wife that I got pregnant in one night.
“She’s good. Listen, I need to take the dog out, but let me know how things go tomorrow, all right?”
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s thinking about. Maybe it bothers him too because he wants to be a dad so badly. “Thanks for checking in on me, Jack.”
“Send me a meme, and I won’t harass you with phone calls.” He laughs, but it’s not his usual one. “Bye, Harp.”
I hang up with him and connect my phone to the charger.
I’m nervous for tomorrow, but a part of me is looking forward to finally getting it over with. No more tiptoeing around Finn and Tamra, knowing I’m holding back something huge.
I look at my purse where it hangs on the hook on the back of my closed bedroom door.
Great-Grandma Dori’s letter has been burning a hole through the leather since I put it in there.
I’ve pulled it out a few times, thinking I was ready to read it, but every time, I just haven’t felt ready.
It’s so unlike me. I’m usually the one who jumps headfirst into everything.
But this feels different. My hand falls to my stomach.
Pregnancy.
I’m going to be a mother.
This feels monumental, whereas all the other impulsive things I’ve done in my life I just figured they’d work out one way or another.
Head down the black diamond run on the mountain before I was ready?
What’s the worst that can happen? I break a leg?
It will heal. Go on a date with a guy I know there’s no future with but sleep with him anyway?
So what if it’s a bad lay, life moves on, and if it’s a good one, all the better.
Go out partying the night before a big test rather than study?
I’ll do better on the next one, and if I don’t, it’s not the end of the world.
But having a baby is not something I can take lightly, and not something I can afford to mess up. There’re no do-overs.
Pulling the comforters back, I slide out of bed and retrieve the letter from my purse. I crawl back in bed and position my back against the headboard, staring at the envelope for a minute, my mind casting back to all the great memories I have with my great-grandma.
I run my finger along the seam, open the envelope, and unfold the letter.
Seeing her handwriting and reading the first line, I pause and take a deep breath before I start reading.
My Dearest Harper,
I never told you this because I would never want the other great-grandchildren to be jealous, but I always saw a lot of myself in you.
You have that passionate spirit and chase after what you want, never afraid to tell it like it is.
Believe me, I know better than anyone how much trouble that can get you into, but it’s a characteristic to be valued.
People never have to wonder where they stand with you, and let’s face it, you’re always the life of any party.
But the downside of being bold and feisty is that people will judge.
Hell, people are always judging whether they admit it or not, but when it comes to women like us, they tend to do so a little more vocally.
Please don’t let that stop you from being the brave, headstrong, and free-spirited woman you are.
There’s a good chance they’re just jealous because let’s be honest, it’s kind of fun being us, isn’t it?
I laugh and wipe a tear from my cheek. Yeah, it is…
Until it isn’t.
I have to assume if you’re reading this letter now it’s because you’re going through something hard.
Something difficult. If I were still there, I’d give you some epic words of advice to be sure, but since I’m not, all I can tell you is—you can handle this.
Whatever it is, I know you have the strength to get through it.
Just continue being yourself, and you’ll figure it out, this much I know.
Face the path ahead with the same wild abandon you bring to everything.
Charge forward with confidence and let your heart and gut lead you in the right direction.
It’s a miracle you were brought into this world, and it was for a reason.
Never let life snuff out your flame. You burn so bright, my darling, and the world deserves to bask in your light.
Let that same light guide you through the dark times and come out the other side even stronger than you were before. It’s what you were born for.
Love always,
Great-Grandma Dori
I set the letter on the mattress and weep into my hands, purging all the self-doubt and uncertainty I’ve been feeling, releasing all the shame and fear. And when the final tear falls, I refold the letter and slip it back into the envelope, knowing Great-Grandma Dori is right.
I can do this. I may not have it all figured out yet, but this will not break me. No, in fact, this just might be the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m going to be a mother, and I’m going to be a damn good one.