24. Parker Cain
24
PARKER CAIN
One week later, Byron arrived to check on my sanity.
There wasn’t much left.
The day after my discussion with Declan, I’d “moved out.” It was hard to call it that, considering I’d left so much of my crap and Joy’s crap at Declan’s house. I’d found a ridiculously expensive furnished apartment that allowed me to rent by the month. For now, I simply needed a temporary home to give me time to figure out my shit.
Declan had my new address because I didn’t want him to feel cut off, but so far, I’d heard nothing from him.
Franks and Donovan were entirely different stories. Franks had helped me to pack up some of Joy’s things, and the man had cried during most of the packing, hating the idea of not being able to see Joy every day. Donovan wasn’t much better, since he’d loaded up a reusable grocery bag with baby food he’d made for Joy. As I’d unpacked the bag in our new place, I’d found a survey inside that I needed to send back so he knew what foods she did and didn’t care for. I couldn’t tell if he was planning to start a baby food company or if he just wanted to continue making food for his littlest customer.
I wasn’t surprised when Byron showed up. We’d texted a bit after the dinner, but he was generally busy getting settled with his new job.
“Hey!” Byron greeted me brightly as I opened the door.
I smirked. “Which one of them sent you?”
Byron’s smile didn’t waver for a second. “I didn’t want to meddle, but Sebastian has threatened to cut off sex. We haven’t been dating that long, Park. This is supposed to be the time I’m constantly getting laid. Plus, I’m still young. This is the period I should be getting the best sex of my life.”
I choked on a snicker and stepped out of the doorway, waving for him to enter. “Well, I understand. I would never want to be responsible for a friend not getting laid.”
“Thank you. I knew you’d understand.”
There was no foyer in the apartment, so guests walked straight into the living room. Byron’s wide eyes and tense silence had me gazing into the living room and cringing. The place looked like a baby store had thrown up across the beige sofa, pale-wood coffee table, and floor. Every surface was covered in baby clothes in the process of being folded, toys, stacks of unused diapers, and other random baby supplies. Not to mention there was a basket of my own clothes next to the sofa waiting to be folded. Clearly, today was laundry day.
Actually, that was yesterday, but I sucked at folding my clothes after they came out of the dryer.
On top of the clothes chaos were sketch books, colored pencils and other drawing implements. Regardless of what was going with my life right now, I’d still promised to paint murals for Declan, and I had commissions for three more paintings from Declan’s friends. No one had canceled their orders yet, so I needed to deliver.
“This is not because I got used to having people clean up after me,” I said sharply. “I used to be really tidy, but I’m not as good at it with a baby. Plus, Joy is a terrible slob, too. She never picks up after herself. ”
Byron’s smile returned, but it was much weaker and tenser than the first one.
I rushed into the bowels of the chaos ahead of him, snatching up the scattering of clothes and toys so he’d have a spot to sit.
“How’s Joy?” Byron inquired. He gingerly dropped onto the edge of the sofa, his body relaxing.
“Good. She’s at daycare right now.” I closed one of the sketchbooks that was supposed to hold ideas for Declan’s murals. Except all I’d drawn today were Declan’s hands and his mouth. Yeah, my work was going just great.
“I’m not disturbing your work, am I?” Byron asked and I’d swear the man had a grin on his lips, as if he knew my brain was a rotten mess of longing, confusion, and frustration.
“No. No. Doodling for a bit as I try to come up with some new ideas for work. How have you and Sebastian been? I heard the good news that your proposal saved Courtland Enterprises. Congrats!”
Byron waved me off. A faint tint of pink touched his cheeks. “I wouldn’t go that far. It was merely the start of a good idea. The entire company pulled together and worked hard to make it a success.”
“ Pffft .” I dropped onto the other end of the sofa. “Whatever. You forget I worked there too, in finance. I know exactly what the numbers were and how bad the situation had gotten. You saved Courtland. I hope Sebastian has done some proper ass-kissing for your contribution.”
Byron’s face shifted from pink to bright red as he cleared his throat. “Yes, Sebastian has been appropriately grateful.”
Yeah, I could imagine.
At the dinner, I’d seen exactly how in love Sebastian was with his boyfriend. It was as though he couldn’t stand to be more than a few feet away from him.
“None of that is important,” my companion argued, waving both hands in front of himself. “I came here to check on you. How are you doing?”
I drew in a deep breath and prepared to release it in a rush, as I said all the usual things like I’m doing fine, getting adjusted, blah blah blah. But the words became lodged in my throat and my scalp prickled with unease. A clot of twisted emotions pushed to come out, and it was becoming harder to hold them in. Since leaving Declan’s house, it was only Joy and me every day. I’d tried talking to my daughter, but she’d stare up at me with those wide blue eyes, unable to understand what her bumbling father was rambling about.
“Not…good.” The words tumbled from my lips like drips from a faucet that couldn’t be completely closed.
“Have you talked to Declan recently?”
My elbow resting on my knee, I dropped my forehead to the palm of my head and shook it. “I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.” Tipping my head to the side to look at him, I sighed. “Did I overreact? What the hell am I even doing anymore?”
“Can I ask what triggered it? When you were over with Declan for dinner, you seemed so happy together. Declan came to see us last week and said that you’re taking a break, which isn’t a bad thing. However, he sounded pretty confident that you two were finished. That you wouldn’t patch things up.”
I sat up straight, my mouth falling open so that my heart could nearly jump out. “What?” I screeched. “He said that.”
“Not in so many words. He was quiet. Well, quiet for Declan. Sebastian asked what he was going to do next. He said that he was going to give you space to work things out, but he appeared…hopeless.”
“Fuck.” I pressed my hands to my face and scrubbed hard. “I can’t tell if I fucked up. My mom got in my head, and what she was saying was making sense. Then Declan started talking about a nanny and all I could think about was how his dad hired a nanny for him, allowing the asshole to check out completely. I panicked. That’s it. I panicked, and now that I’m standing in the aftermath of my destroyed life, I don’t know what to do. My heart is screaming to run to Declan, apologize for ever putting him through this, and pray he takes me back. But if I go to him, did I fucking fix anything?”
“Um…let’s rewind a bit.” Byron even made a circular motion with his finger. “What did your mom say about Declan? Did she not like him?”
Byron was always so sweet and friendly, but there was no missing the defensive bite that entered his tone. It kind of made me like him more.
“No, she likes him a lot. She thought he was very kind and considerate. Always very respectful.”
“And what? She didn’t care for the way Declan had taken care of her son?”
“No, her problem was with her son becoming completely dependent on this guy he barely knows and not even attempting to move forward with his life after getting two difficult blows back to back.” I frowned at the empty hands I held out in front of me like they were supposed to be holding the answers to all my problems, but they were just…empty. They fell onto my lap with a soft slap. “And she had a point. Because of course she had a point. She always knows everything.”
“Are you sure about that?” Byron sent me a half smile. “Because you seemed pretty happy to me.”
“I was, but what the fuck was I doing with my life? When I went to stay with Declan because of the fire, it was just supposed to be a few days while I found a new apartment.” I turned on the couch with a bounce to face him, bringing my right leg up to rest on the cushion. “Did you know that I’ve lived alone since I graduated from college? I’ve got three siblings and buckets of cousins. Growing up in that kind of household meant there was no such thing as privacy or peace and quiet. I moved out on my own and swore that I would never rush to live with someone else. I’d revel in having my space. But Molly died and my apartment went up in flames, and suddenly I didn’t want to leave Declan’s. Screw independence! And it wasn’t because Declan lives in a crazy, beautiful house he’s letting me paint, or that there are servants to clean up after me, or that I never have to cook. I felt…”
“Safe,” Byron replied.
I deflated in an instant. “Yes.”
“Your entire world was blowing up,” Byron continued. “You’d finished your temp job and didn’t have new income lined up to suddenly care for this baby you didn’t plan for. And the one safe place you had in the world burned to the ground. Of course, you needed somewhere safe to heal.”
“But I never tried to leave after healing. And I definitely shouldn’t have dated him while I was such a damn mess.”
“Have you considered that maybe you haven’t healed yet?”
For a moment, I could only blink at Byron. What was he talking about? How could I have not healed yet? It had been two months since Molly died…
Wait. Just two months?
It had to have been longer than that. Like six months. A year. It felt like forever since I’d last seen Molly.
But it hadn’t. That day I’d gotten the call…I’d still been working at Courtland, which wasn’t that long ago. We’d planned to go out soon. To celebrate Joy turning six months old and to give Molly a well-earned adult break.
A lump formed in my throat, and it was suddenly hard to swallow. My eyes burned, and I clenched my teeth as I shook my head. Not that I knew what I was shaking my head about.
“You didn’t get the chance to mourn your friend,” Byron said, his voice as soft and gentle as a ball of cotton. “I have to imagine that you were close if you agreed to be the father of her child.”
“Childhood friends.” My voice was like I was gargling gravel, and I had to clear my throat. “We…we grew up together. Decided to go to the same college on the other side of the country so we could be more independent. She was the first person I came out to, and it scared me more than when I told my parents. Because…she was my everything.” My voice cracked. The tears broke free of the crumbling dam holding them back. I fiercely wiped them away and dragged in a ragged breath, but that only seemed to break more of the defenses that had been holding me together for these past two months.
Byron jumped to his feet and darted through the apartment. I couldn’t follow him or ask what he wanted. I couldn’t even see anything anymore. He was a watery blur as my stream of tears turned into sobs.
A moment later, I felt tissues pressed into my hand. The cushion closest to me sank, and Byron’s hand squeezed my shoulder. I mopped up my face, but it did no good as all the emotions I’d bundled up and packed away broke free, stealing the air from my lungs. It felt like I was hearing the news of her death for the first time. Everything inside me was jagged edges and fractures. I would never pull myself together again because there were parts of me that were missing now.
As Byron pulled me over so that I was leaning on him, his arm around my shoulder, my evil brain whimpered that it wished these arms belonged to Declan. Byron was a good friend, but my heart wanted Declan holding me. My immovable mountain would have been able to fix this.
But there was nothing to fix. Molly was gone.
My life was changed forever, and not because I was now raising the baby she’d so desperately wanted, but because I’d never have another conversation with her. There were no more chances for us to have our late-night chats about work and life. No more ice cream and spilled tea sessions where I told her about my sex life with Declan, and she admonished me to ask the man out on a date. She would never get the chance to meet Declan. And thus, she’d never have the chance to order me to marry that man immediately to save him from a dreary, boring life.
The tears eventually dried up, but the intense pain in my chest remained. I straightened from where I’d been leaning on Byron, mopped up my face, and blew my nose.
“I’m sorry,” Byron murmured.
“No, it’s okay. Guess I needed that,” I mumbled.
“I can’t imagine you’ve had anytime to process losing her. Moments after finding out, you were handed a baby and told, ‘This is your life now.’”
A bitter scoff left me. “Pretty much. And I’d never really given much thought to having kids. That was always Molly’s thing. She didn’t want marriage or a boyfriend. She knew she wanted a baby the second she was financially stable.” A broken laugh escaped, and I clenched my fist to hold in more tears. “She begged me for my sperm. I joked with her that she’d have to at least take me out on a date first. And she did! She fucking did. I couldn’t believe it. She took me out to The Precinct. Had a great steak dinner. Followed it with a long walk through Smale Park and ice cream. We talked baby names.” My voice dipped to a whisper and my shoulders slumped. “Only hetero date I’d ever been on. The next day, I went and donated my sperm for her…our baby.”
“Sounds like an amazing woman.”
“ Mn . Stubborn. But yeah, she was amazing. Funny as shit. No one could make me laugh like her. Over stupid shit, too.” I slumped against the back of the sofa and stared at the wadded-up tissues stuffed into my fist. “After the funeral, when I would think about her, I’d get so damn angry.”
“That’s normal. She was taken way too young.”
I shook my head. “No, I’d get angry at her . Like this was all her fault. She died, and now I’m trying to live her life when I had these plans for my life. Afterward, I’d feel guilty for being a total asshole because it’s not like she wanted to die. She wanted to live this life, and I should feel blessed for the chance to raise Joy. I do feel blessed.”
“I think you have a right to feel angry, whether it’s at her or fate. Doesn’t matter. You had dreams and plans that were forced to the side.” Byron shifted uncomfortably on the sofa and gazed at his hands resting in his lap. As he spoke, his fingers curled into tight fists as if he could lock his pain in his hands to keep it from spilling out beyond his control. “After my brother’s accident, I spent a lot of time angry at him because it destroyed my family. I mean, our family wasn’t great to being with, but we were holding it together. I was figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, and then Bam! Those plans were tossed aside because my older brother needed all this care, and there was never enough money. My teen years were spent either working or going to school. There wasn’t time for fun. After my dad died, things got worse. It took me a long time to stop being angry at Ronnie, even though I knew that none of this was his fault.”
“Fuck…I’m so sorry.”
Byron waved off my comment and flashed me a weak smile. “Things are better now. Ronnie is in a facility that can cater to his needs more, and he’s blossoming there. So happy. I’ve got a boyfriend who also takes good care of me and a job I love. No, things didn’t go how I wanted them to, but I made things work and I’ve got a damn good life. Keep in mind that you can’t expect too much too fast. Two months isn’t a lot of time. You didn’t get to deal with losing your friend because you had to suddenly figure out how to be a dad to a baby. And too soon afterward, you had to figure out how to live after losing everything. Just one of those things would have been too much for most people, but you had both things pummel you. Give yourself a break.”
A soft grunt escaped me. He had a point. “Except I wasn’t figuring things out. Declan rode in like my own personal knight in shining armor. He fixed everything with a wave of his checkbook.”
My new friend’s lips twisted as if he were trying very hard not to smirk. “Trust me, I’ve felt the effects of a rich boyfriend’s checkbook. It makes you feel very guilty for enjoying it, but you have to remind yourself that they are adults and are allowed to spend their money however they want.”
“True.”
Byron clapped his hands together, the sharp sound in the quiet apartment making me start. “Okay, imagine that Declan didn’t race in to save you. What would you have done? Where would you and Joy be?”
That was a fair question. My brain raced as I tried to imagine those first days. “I would have tried hard not to move back to Arizona like my parents wanted. The first week would have been in one of those shitty suite hotels until I could find a new place to live and some cheap furniture. I’ve got enough money socked away to get us on our feet, but as soon as we were settled, I’d be searching for another job.”
“What about Declan? Would you have stopped seeing him?”
“Yes.” I paused and rolled my eyes. “Maybe. I would have tried, but I have a feeling if I told him what was going on, he would have at least attempted to step in and help. We might have gotten around to the dating if he didn’t freak about Joy.”
Only he’d never really freaked out about Joy. His first introduction to her was finding her in my office alone. From that first moment, he’d sort of went with it. Like nothing could faze this man.
In fact, he adored my daughter. I could see it in his face every time he entered the room, and she was there. His eyes lit up and he would walk straight to her, eager to pick her up. He went ape shit the first time she’d crawled, just like I did .
Would we have ended up in the same spot even if I hadn’t moved in with him?
Possibly…
“How…how do I know if I miss Declan right now because I love him or if it’s that he makes me feel safe?”
Byron’s mouth twisted into the most adorable smirk, and he tilted his head at me. “Why can’t it be both? Why can’t you love him, and part of that love is because he makes you feel safe?”
I shoved a hand into my messy hair and pulled hard, sending a sharp pain across my scalp. “I left without telling him I love him. He doesn’t know. I was so scared, hiding behind him rather than facing the world.”
“Once you realized you might be hiding from the world, did you hesitate to leave?”
My hand dropped to my lap, and I shook my head. “Not really.”
“You don’t strike me as someone afraid to take on the world.”
I wasn’t. Not really. Molly’s death and the fire had knocked me on my ass, but I got up again. I’d taken care of my daughter, and I’d created my art. The entire time, I’d had an amazing man by my side, supporting me. And loving me.
Fuck .
I jumped to my feet and paced across the room before I realized I had no idea what I was doing. I spun to face Byron. “You sure Declan would take me back?” My friend grinned and opened his mouth to answer, but I was already waving both hands to stop him. “Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. I’ll convince him to take another chance on me. We’re supposed to be together. I love him and he loves me. Plus, he loves my daughter. I need some grand gesture to win him over. Convince him I love him and we belong together.”
Byron leaned forward, his elbow on his knee and his chin resting on his hand. “I’m pretty sure you could walk up to him and tell him how you feel.”
“ Pffft . What you need to know about Parker Cain is that he doesn’t half-ass shit. I use my whole ass,” I declared, pointing at Byron. “Declan deserves a bold gesture to prove my intentions.”
“Maybe not too bold. Remember, Declan is a quiet guy. Small, meaningful gestures go further with him.”
“Okay. Good point.”
Yes, I had to find the perfect way to tell Declan that I never wanted to be away from him again. Without him, Joy and I weren’t a complete family.