Chapter 7 #3
“Five,” I said honestly. “I think if you can help me work through my feelings for Jude, that’s the priest, then we can tackle Gabby.”
“Good plan,” Andrew said. “However, I’m curious as to why this is the first I’m hearing about Jude. When did you first meet him?”
“I first saw him three weeks ago,” I said, very aware of every minute since then that I’d seen Jude.
“I’d parked by the church but had time before my session with Hawk.
Curiosity had me going inside. Father Jude was at the front by the altar railing and I noticed him immediately.
He was beautiful. I couldn’t look away, and when he spotted me, he came down the aisle.
When he reached where I was sitting, he paused and our gazes locked.
Neither of us spoke. It was freaking strange, Andrew.
I’d never had someone affect me that way. ”
“When did you see him next, Ethan?”
I let out a small self-deprecating laugh. “An hour later.”
Andrew raised his perfectly arched eyebrow. He was a handsome Black man, who was always meticulously groomed. “Go on.”
“That’s the night I told you about, when Hawk discovered the marks on my back.
What I didn’t include was when Hawk left to walk back to the gym, I screamed inside the truck out of frustration.
I hadn’t noticed that Jude had been on the stoop of the rectory watching my meltdown. But that wasn’t the end.”
Andrew tipped his head at me to continue, his expression neutral.
“I saw him a third time when I’d gone to the bookshop across from The Ring and collected a manual I’d ordered for Hawk.
I hadn’t noticed Jude right away because he was dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants.
But after I crossed the road, I felt I was being watched.
Sure enough, I turned and he pushed back the hood, as if he’d wanted to make sure that I knew it was him. ”
“Three times in one day seems almost prophetic,” Andrew said. “If you believe in destiny.”
“Exactly,” I said. “I felt compelled to see him again but since he was a priest…” I held up my hands. “I wasn’t sure until I remembered about having gone to confession when I was a kid. So, that’s what I did.”
“You went to confession to speak to the priest,” he said haltingly, as if he wasn’t sure he understood me.
I nodded in confirmation.
“And then what?”
“We’ve been meeting in the confessional. Well, except for the one time I saw him crying on the rectory stoop and I went up and stayed with him for a few minutes.”
Andrew made some notes and after seemingly deliberating his next question, he finally asked, “If you don’t mind telling me, have you ever actually confessed?”
“I don’t mind, but are you familiar with confessions in the Catholic church?”
“No,” Andrew said, shaking his head.
“Anything you say to a priest within the confines of the confessional is inviolate. Even if I told Jude that I murdered someone. Or that I was suicidal. He’s not allowed to share the information. Not even to the authorities.” Then in a lowered voice, I said, “I confessed to raping Luca.”
“That was a very big step. But I’m wondering, Ethan, if telling Jude is more about trusting him than the boundaries set by the Church. Is that possible?”
“Yes, it is. I like him, Andrew. The first man since even before Napa that I think about during the day and always at night. But he’s a priest. And then he told me he was gay and I freaked.
I left and told him that I probably wouldn’t be back.
Then Gabby hit me with her stuff and that was it. I needed to get advice.”
Andrew set his notebook aside and uncrossed his legs. After taking water from a bottle on the side table next to his chair, he said, “We have a lot to unpack. For starters, does speaking to Jude make you less inclined to hurt yourself?”
“I thought it did, but the seven-year mark landed on a Wednesday, and confessions are Friday and Saturday. And don’t ask why I didn’t reach out to you. I just chose to stripe my ass instead.”
“Where Hawk couldn’t see it?” Andrew asked, his expression non-judgmental but I knew what he was thinking.
“You can say it, Andrew. I was dishonest to him as well as breaking my promise. But fuck, it’s hard sometimes.”
“I’m not saying it isn’t, Ethan. May I ask, did Jude ever share his contact information? Has he ever suggested you contact him out of church hours?”
“Yes, he gave me his business card. But he’s a priest.” That seemed to answer Andrew’s question. “But now to know that he’s gay, I already masturbate fantasizing about him. He’s gorgeous. Cover model gorgeous. Plus, he’s kind and nice.”
“He’s gay and yet, he has no problem inviting you to see him. Or talk to him. I can accept seeing him inside the church, especially the confessional. It’s a safe place for him. But I can’t help questioning his motives.”
“In what way?”
“If I’m correct, Catholic priests take the vow of celibacy.
I can’t say whether having sexual thoughts count as a sin.
My guess is thoughts are fine as long as you don’t act on them, which I’d assume includes masturbation.
But he seems to be going beyond ecclesiastical propriety.
Unless, he has another agenda. Do you have any idea how long he’s been a priest? ”
“Eight years,” I said, trying to understand where Andrew was going with his comments.
“Long enough to know if he’s made the right choice.
Being celibate for a lifetime takes an inordinate amount of willpower.
But even aside from sex, there’s the simple things a person gets out of a relationship.
Companionship, sharing the mundane tasks in daily life…
having someone to come home to after work, to cuddle with while watching TV.
” Andrew started to speak again, then closed his mouth before sitting forward.
“Maybe… and I could be way off base, Ethan. What if Jude speculated you were gay? Maybe he wants to discover what he’s missing out on.
How old is he? Late twenties or early thirties? ”
“Thirty-four,” I said, giving a little nod in agreement.
“I thought I was making up things in my head. But sometimes when he looks at me, if he were single, I’d think he was hitting on me.
If what you’re saying is right, then he might’ve been.
” I recalled again when Jude pushed back his hood. “What’s your advice, Andrew?”
“I’ll be honest, I’ve never had a situation like this before. But listening to my intuition, which I can usually depend on, I wouldn’t stop seeing him.”
I let out a whoosh of air, not realizing I’d been holding my breath. “You wouldn’t?”
“No, for a few reasons. Regarding Jude, you and I know that you’d be understanding. Given the therapy you’ve been through, you’re not going to ask him for anything sexual unless he asks.”
“For sure,” I readily agreed. “He’s totally safe with me.”
“My point exactly. If you turn him down, he might approach another guy, who might take advantage of his inexperience in being out. Also, he’s met with you under unusual circumstances.
As long as you’re willing to keep meeting him in the confessional, he can take as long as he needs to work through whatever emotional crisis he seems to be struggling with.
In addition, he doesn’t risk getting caught.
I imagine his superiors wouldn’t take kindly to him testing his gay wings. ”
When Andrew was being especially compassionate, his eyes went soft and his brows were pulled together. “But as for you, Ethan, your heart is on the line depending on how bad you fall for him.”
Which is bad, I thought. “I’m already half there and I’ve never even touched him.”
“I can see emotion all over your face. May I make a suggestion?”
I nodded and offered Andrew a half smile. “That’s why I’m here.”
“Let him know that you like him. But you’re confused and you’d like to understand why he wants to have a friendship with you.
Ethan, assure him confidentiality works both ways.
Acknowledging your awareness of his position in the sight of the church should put him at ease enough to talk openly and honestly. ”
I nodded a few times. “That’s perfect advice, Andrew. Even as I told him that I might not return, I was already regretting my words. I was confused on how to proceed, since my body physically reacted to him. So, to learn that he was gay… well, it was a lot to take in.”
“Understandably. I’m glad I could help. Now, as for your situation with Gabby, unless she needs an immediate answer, I’d rather you wait until our session on Thursday.
You have enough to ponder, and I’d be concerned you’re overtaxing yourself with any more.
Particularly with the magnitude of the issue. ”
“I agree. As much as I hate seeing her in distress, I just can’t handle any major decisions right now.”
I smiled as I left Andrew a check to pay for the session.
For a young guy, Andrew was still in the twentieth century when it came to using apps.
When I began with Andrew and asked to pay him using his online banking, Andrew had said he didn’t trust robots with his money.
The answer surprised me, considering Andrew was not much older than me.
I thanked Andrew again and left feeling calmer, and a bit excited. I had a plan, which I was going to act upon—in the confessional.