Chapter 11
ELEVEN
ETHAN
After I kicked Jude out, my heart took long minutes before the beating attained a normal rhythm.
The only alcohol I ever had in my apartment was beer.
But if I ever desired a shot of whiskey, it was now.
Instead, I grabbed a bottle of beer with shaky hands from the refrigerator, twisted the cap off, and took a long pull.
I was still angry, but my emotions were down to a simmer as I replayed the events, still somewhat in disbelief.
The man who’d come in and lunged at me demanding to be kissed wasn’t the priest that I was getting to know.
At the same time, I had been horny the last two times I saw him in the confessional, and I groaned when I recalled that I’d instigated Jude’s building passion.
Most of all, I regretted what happened at Mass.
I remembered walking up the aisle toward the altar.
There were a lot of people, and I was last in line, having decided at the last moment to receive communion.
I only wanted him to be close enough to touch without a wooden barrier separating us, like in the confessional.
But as his long fingers wrapped around the chalice and his head bowed over each parishioner, there was a sensual grace about him.
All I thought of was being on my knees in front of this beautiful man, desiring him.
I never thought my repressed emotions would ignite an explosion of our shared feelings in public.
Much less turn the sacrament of Mass into something sexual.
Yet, I’d been impotent to change the outcome.
In the aftermath, I’d raced down the aisle and didn’t stop until I was out of the church and back in my truck.
The more I scrutinized the last few times we’d met, I realized I was just as responsible for the mutual flirting and sexual chemistry between us.
What I still couldn’t understand was Jude’s total loss of self-control.
I felt bad when Jude begged to explain. I would’ve given him a chance if his unsolicited behavior hadn’t triggered mild PTSD that took me back to Napa, and the rape.
Jude hadn’t been a physical threat to me and yet, his behavior triggered the sordidness of feeling used.
With Luca, I had gone beyond a threat—the reason why I hadn’t been able to touch another man since that day.
The shadow of my trauma had kept me celibate.
Until Jude. Except, now the priest had me back in the gloomy interior of guilt.
My gaze drifted to the closet where I kept the impact tools—three floggers, a cane, and a paddle.
I pictured them and knew which one I’d use.
The cowhide flogger made with thin falls and sterling silver beads on the ends that resembled pin cushions.
That one gave me a painful sting. The marks left were long-lasting.
Hawk jumped into my mind. Except for the one time that I’d lacerated my ass cheeks, I’d never cheated again.
Having dodged a bullet in that Hawk never found out, I hadn’t wanted to test the theory again.
Sparring with Hawk kept me grounded, an outlet to release endorphins, and I didn’t want to give it up.
But the events of the night were pushing me to my limits as my mind warred with my willpower.
I itched to have the flogger in hand, my fingers combing through the falls.
I imagined getting in position, then a swift arc of my arm and the falls landing, eliciting a moan on the tail of the bliss of pain.
I jumped up from my bed, grabbed my wallet, keys, and phone and called Andrew’s emergency number. The therapist picked up on the third ring.
“Ethan, where are you?”
“In my truck trying to figure where I can go and talk,” I said, my voice raspy. “I don’t want to beat myself, Andrew.”
“All right, hang on.” A minute later, he said, “Ethan, are you with me?”
“Yes, I’m heading east on Ocean.”
“Good, you’re coming up on Vons.”
“Yeah, in my sights.” Vons was a chain grocery store with a huge parking lot that bordered Ocean only blocks from my apartment complex.
I drove as far as I could from the entrance, where there were only a handful of cars.
Then I backed into a space so I could see if anyone approached me. I cut the engine. “I’m parked.”
“Good. Breathing exercise first for twenty seconds,” he said and did the count for me. When we were done, he said, “Tell me what happened.”
I began with Jude texting to see me and then the events when he showed up.
“I didn’t know what to make of it, Andrew.
He was like a crazed man. Consequently, him in a frenzy and then pushing himself on me sent me right back to Napa.
But this time, I was the victim. The target of someone wanting to use my body without consent. ”
“I can see how that would be a trigger,” Andrew said slowly.
“What made it worse was that he’s leaving the Church. He admitted that if he told me beforehand, I wouldn’t have had sex with him.”
“Ethan,” Andrew asked, “Have you told him that you haven’t been with anyone in seven years.”
“I did tonight. Honestly, I thought I had before. But maybe it was one of those times when we got interrupted and then I forgot to. Either way, I’m not sure the knowledge would’ve made a difference.”
“Try not to feel so desolate,” Andrew encouraged. “I commend you for calling me instead of flogging yourself.”
“I was close. I literally felt the leather handle in my palm. But I guess it’s like trying to stay sober, right?”
“I think that’s a good analogy. One day at a time and in this instance, I’m acting as your sponsor, the person you call when you’re on the ledge.”
I stroked the steering wheel with my index finger. “How do I move forward again?”
“Ethan, you never went back,” Andrew said, immediately.
“I freaked, Andrew. I kicked him out of my house without letting him explain. His face was tortured when I refused to listen to him.”
“Ethan, hang up and call me back on video.”
I did as Andrew instructed. “I must look like shit.”
“I want to see your face so I know you’re absorbing what I’m going to say to you. Are you ready?”
I nodded, then added courteously, “Yes, I’m listening.”
“Good.” Andrew huffed out a breath. “Ethan, first of all, you let him come and see you. Second, you stood up for yourself. Third, you called him out on his actions. And lastly, you told him to leave when his actions”—Andrew put emphasis on the words— “triggered you. Again, Ethan, his actions were what triggered the past for you. I wouldn’t suggest any other way you could’ve handled the situation. ”
My voice dropped low. “I miss him, Andrew. I’m so sorry I won’t be seeing him anymore.”
“I can imagine, Ethan. From what you’ve said in our sessions, you felt that your friendship was building into something more.”
“He even referred to himself as being the baby’s uncle,” I said woefully.
“Now that you’ve had time to think it over, do you want an explanation from him?” Andrew asked gently.
“I do because I’m worried about his mental health.” Lifting my chin toward Andrew, I said, “I can call you on a Saturday evening. And I just realized I screwed your date night. Again.”
“Giving you an emergency number is on me. And I’m glad you used it. I’d rather shift around my night a little than have you hurt yourself. I’m so proud of you, Ethan. You need to take a deep look into all that you’ve accomplished since we’ve started working together.”
“I’ll try,” I said, but my mind was elsewhere. “Andrew, if you called the parish office, they should be able to give you information on him, right?”
Andrew gestured to himself. “Me?”
“I can’t. What if Jude is still there and he picks up?”
Andrew shook his head in defeat. “I’ll call on Monday and send you a text if I get an answer. But don’t get your hopes up. Depending on the circumstances behind his departure—”
“I told you. I think he told them,” I interrupted.
“Yes, but I’m wondering why. I might be very wrong, Ethan, but I find it hard to believe that a priest is allowed to just leave.
Maybe by leaving, he meant they’re going to transfer him.
I imagine an unexpected transfer would create a lot of paperwork and if it’s similar to the process of laicization, the request has to go through the Ecclesiastical Council. ”
I slapped my forehead with my hand. “Fuck, I’ve been so emotionally strung out, I hadn’t worked all that out. But you’re right. Now I really feel like a fool for shutting him down.”
“Ethan,” Andrew barked, sharp enough to get my attention.
“You had every right to be strung out. Don’t second guess your initial reactions to him.
You were spot-on. Being the generous, kind man you are, you tend to take on everyone else’s problems but you have to also know when to call on self-preservation. Do you get what I’m saying?”
“I do,” I said.
“Before I get off, is there anything else you need from me to get you through tonight and tomorrow?”
“No, Andrew, I don’t think so.”
“On a level of one to ten, how much do you want to flog yourself?”
“Honestly, ten,” I admitted.
Andrew frowned.
“But I’ll feel better after our conversation sinks in. Plus, I’ll call Gabby. Maybe she’ll have time to chat. I haven’t told her what happened.”
“That’s a good plan,” Andrew said. “Her perspectives in the past have usually been helpful.”
“Sorry again about tonight. You look nice.” I admired Andrew wearing a lavender dress shirt with the top buttons left open.
He had a dark navy sport jacket over the back of his chair.
He was cleanshaven and had chiseled features that were almost too sharp but on him looked handsome…
sexy even. Like he’d be the dominant in a power exchange relationship.
“Thank you,” Andrew said. “Anything else?”
I blushed and hurried to say, “No, I’m good. Bye, Andrew.”
I decided to call Gabby tomorrow. Mamma had invited me for Sunday dinner. I wouldn’t be able to bring her favorite pastries from Noto’s, though. When I’d stopped by before work yesterday morning to get biscotti for Frank, there was a notice on the door that had made me smile.
Marco & Luca are on vacation with family in Italy from June 6 through June 27.
We plan on returning with inspired new recipes for you!
In the meantime, we apologize for the limited menu but please give our new pastry chef, Caesar, a warm Noto welcome!
When I thought back on the notice, combined with Andrew’s encouraging words, I figured if Luca could be happy, then I would eventually find my happy ending, too. Although, Monday couldn’t come soon enough.
When my phone rang, I jumped to answer it. I was on my lunch break and had asked Andrew to call right at noon. “Andrew, what did they say?”
Andrew delayed and I knew that he had bad news. “I’m sorry, Ethan. Jude’s gone.”
I tried to keep myself composed, but I couldn’t and only stammered. “B-but… but how c-could the transfer happen so fast?”
“I don’t know,” Andrew said. “I spoke to the woman who used to be his secretary.”
“Inés,” I said automatically.
“She informed me that she was relaying what was told to her.” Andrew sighed. “Are you going to be all right, Ethan?”
“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly. “But being at work is the best place for me. I’ll keep busy.
And tonight, Gabby told me to come over.
And…” A tear drop fell onto my cheek, and then another as I hastily wiped them away.
I’d taken my lunch bag outside on a patio reserved for employees.
But when the call came in, I’d excused myself from the two men who had been sitting with me.
“Andrew,” I croaked. “I never should have kicked him out. I’ve lost him. ”
“Ethan,” Andrew said softly, his tone filled with compassion, “I have a feeling that Jude wanted to get lost.”