Chapter 19 #2
“Andrew offered me a different perspective. He took me through a series of questions regarding us. Like what I see when I look in your eyes. And I told him—love. Then he had me imagine a scenario where we’re going to make love.
Unlike Luca, who was bent over a battered table in some garden shed, we’re missionary style in my fantasy so we’re facing each other.
” I had to pause, not aware that I’d been holding my breath until Jude touched my leg.
“Breathe, baby. You look like you’re going to burst.”
At Jude’s words, I took in a lungful of air.
“Every time I relive those events… well, it’s not easy.
But that wasn’t what made me emotional. It’s what came next.
Still in my fantasy world with my eyes shut, Andrew directed me to look into your eyes and then said, ‘Would you ever hurt Jude?’ I got mad that he’d even ask me.
My reaction was so immediate, yelling, no!
I could never harm the person that is my everything. ”
Jude leaned toward me and planted a kiss over my heart. “You know I feel the same about you, Ethan.”
“I do and that’s why I want to make love to you, Jude. I want to be your first.”
“Yes, baby,” he whispered. “When you’re ready. I’ve waited seventeen years since I let Finn walk out of my life. I don’t intend to make the same mistake.”
“Unfortunately,” I said, sobering, “tomorrow is going to be another emotional day and I’m already drained of energy.”
Jude was suddenly quiet. When he sat up, his movement caused distance between us. I knew the gap was more than bodily. I waited him out until finally, he said, “Would you be upset if I didn’t go with you tomorrow morning to meet Gabby?”
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck bristle. With all the talk about loving each other and envisioning a future together, I knew deep down that Gabby’s pregnancy might be what broke us apart. “Why?”
“Because… I never wanted kids,” Jude said and I heard the effort in his thick voice for him to articulate the sentiment. “Not full time. I’m afraid that my prejudice might cause me to say the wrong thing.”
I thought if Jude was there, talk about the pregnancy and baby might soften him. Which, I admitted to myself, was illogical. But I still wanted to understand his reasoning. “In what way?”
“I don’t know,” he said on a shrug. “I might agree with her because I can’t see myself with a child.” His voice dropped off at the end. To his credit, he didn’t avert his gaze.
“Jude, don’t you think I’ve thought a hundred times about the potential for this pregnancy to be the cause of us going our separate ways?
But as long as we’re still together, I’m asking you just to sit with me, hold my hand, and be there for emotional support.
I believe she’s already looking to find an easy way out.
And if she says she is, I’m going to need someone to remind me this is her body, her choice. So, will you come with me?”
“All right, and Ethan, I am on your side all the way. Even if at the end, I’m not part of your future as a papa. You’re going to be amazing in whatever role you take with her.”
“Her?” I said, confused. And then I smiled. “You have a premeditation that Gabby’s carrying a daughter.”
“Mmm, just a hunch,” Jude said with a conceited smirk on his face, as if he really could predict the future gender. “How would that make you feel, having a daughter rather than a son?”
My belly rumbled with laughter. When my chortling diminished to chuckling, I said with a smirk. “I can still teach her how to box.”
The next morning, I sent a text to Gabby telling her that Jude and I had grabbed the last picnic table. I wasn’t in the mood for sitting on the stone steps or a picnic blanket. Our conversation required stable seating and plenty of coffee, since Gabby couldn’t have alcohol.
When she jogged up to us, bending at her waist to catch her breath, I teased, “Whoa, since when are you breathing heavy jogging from your home to here?”
“Since depression, anger, and hormones all combined to make me eat fatty comfort foods and sleep away the hours when I’m not working.”
I stood to give her a hug and then appraised her by holding her arms out. “You still have a rocking body.”
“He’s right,” Jude said. “You look great.”
“Thanks,” Gabby said to Jude. “I’m glad you’re here.” And then she side-eyed me. “You’ll help keep him stable.”
“Gabby, you do remember that Jude and I have already been through the wringer the last two days.”
“Hey,” she said, her hands on her hips. “You can blame my wife for walking out without notice. If you weren’t part of this pregnancy, I’d never have added to your stress.”
I kissed on the cheek. “Sit down and I’ll grab our orders. I already have Jude’s; do you want the usual?”
“Please, E. Thank you.”
I crossed the street, put in the food order, and as soon as I got the coffees, I took them to the table.
“Two vanilla lattes for you and a café au lait for me.” I took a cautious sip after blowing on it and jogged back again in time for the woman in the food truck to hand me three burritos wrapped in paper, along with napkins.
I handed out the burritos just as Gabby was telling Jude, “I’m only five weeks in and I have symptoms already. I didn’t believe I could and figured it was just stress, but the midwife confirmed that signs can be as early as two weeks but the norm is five.”
“Other than eating foods that you normally never touch, are there other signs?” Jude asked, seemingly trying to show interest.
“Yes, and I have over half of them. All too boring to go through except mood swings, which aren’t supposed to be until eight weeks.”
I waited until we had taken a few bites of food and drank some coffee before I asked, “Gabby, did Belle really leave based on your dishonesty? That seems pretty drastic.”
“No, on her end, it wasn’t drastic at all. She said that I turned into a bitch with the whole baby thing, and that gave her the green light to find someone else to fuck her.”
I choked on the food in my mouth and grabbed a napkin to keep me from spitting any out. When I’d wiped my face, thanks to Jude giving my thigh a brief squeeze, I tamped down my anger at Belle. “Is that who she was staying with when you two had split?”
“At first, she denied everything. But after I began pushing her for answers, she admitted that she had most of her things at her sister’s house but that she was with the girlfriend enough to know that she wasn’t going to put up with my bullshit any longer.
The next words out of her were, ‘I’m filing for a divorce’. ”
“No discussion about it?” Jude asked.
Gabby gave one sharp shake of her head. “None.”
Jude slapped the table, seemingly in frustration. “It’s ironic that she found me dating Ethan immoral but cheating on you wasn’t? What a bitch.”
“I said the same thing to her. She’d gone on about you and Ethan for an hour after we left.”
“What she did was so fucking wrong. I’m not at all saying she had cause to cheat on you,” I said, keen on Gabby not misunderstanding me. “But was any part of you being a bitch true?”
Gabby tossed her half-eaten burrito onto the paper wrapper and folded it up. “Yes.”
I covered her hand with mine. “Why, Gabby?”
“When I discovered I was pregnant, I was happy for a minute. Resentment took over until I had to be honest with myself. I never had it in me to have a baby. But I thought I could do it for Belle. Instead, every day I got more bitter. But the shitty part is, she began cheating on me long before the arguments about sperm donors and babies. With me working nights at the bar… she claimed that I handed her opportunities on a silver platter.”
“But you were working,” Jude said. “Did she ever go to the bar and hang out with you while you worked?”
“I used to ask her but she said it was my scene and not hers.”
I scoffed. “That’s where you met.”
Gabby let out a small, jerky sob. “We’ve been married for five years. And now because of this,” she complained, pointing to her belly, “it’s over. We’re over.”
I tensed, not sure whether I should point-blank ask her if she was planning to have an abortion.
While I pondered the best way to initiate the subject, Jude asked, also indicating her belly, “What’s next then?”
Another sob broke loose, and Gabby pressed the base of her hands into her eyes.
After a minute, she lamented, “Spend a pathetic nine months getting fat to have a baby that I’d never planned on.
It’ll ruin my figure, which is all I have going for me.
Then decide whether I want to be a single mom or not.
” She poked her finger at Jude and me. “Your faces are prettier than mine.”
“Gabby,” I snapped, irritated at how she was already perceiving the infant.
Jude patted my leg but I was too worked up.
“For fuck’s sake, you’re taking your frustration out on a five-week-old fetus.
Belle could’ve been the one to carry the baby, whatever your reasons, I don’t fucking care.
But you made it, Gabby. You begged me to donate the sperm, so now I’m invested in what you do because half the DNA is from me.
” I jumped up from the picnic bench, needing to sort out my emotions, a headache pulsing in my temples.
Feeling them staring at my back, I heaved out a long sigh and took my seat again.
Grabbing Gabby’s hand, I said, trying to stay calm even though my emotions were bubbling to the surface, “Please, don’t make any emotional decisions about the future until you’re in the mindset to do so.
Secondly, if you want to maintain the incredible figure you have, you’ll stop with the crap food when you’re depressed and you’ll keep going to the gym. ”
I thought Gabby might’ve ripped me a new one.
Instead, she lowered her head, sliding the corner of the food wrapper between her fingers.
“Don’t hate me. And I swear that I didn’t realize my motivation at the time.
But…” She raised her gaze to me, pain deep in her dark eyes that reminded me of her mother.
“I thought I might’ve been the one to bail on our marriage, since Belle was the one who’d always begged me to have a baby.
If I had left, I knew that you’d be there to make sure the baby would be taken care of.
I couldn’t depend on myself. But I could rely on you. ”
“Wow,” Jude muttered under his breath.
“You set me up, Gabby,” I said in a hushed breath, then pushed back from the table and yelled, “fuck!” Ignoring the people sitting nearby who turned to stare at me, I lowered my voice.
“I cannot deal with you right now.” I dug my key fob out of my pocket and tossed it to Jude. “Take me home, please.”
Jude jumped up as he caught the fob. As I walked away, I saw him turn back and raise his shoulders to Gabby before catching up to me. Neither of us said anything all the way home.
Once we were inside my apartment, I crushed Jude to me and whispered in his ear, “Don’t forget your promise to me, Jude,” I said, in an unforgiving tone. “Don’t leave me without saying goodbye.”
“I promise, I won’t hurt you, baby,” Jude said, his voice firm, resounding with conviction.
I knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep his promise.
Hurt would be a given when he left. All I asked for was a chance for a final kiss.
I had no expectation that he’d stay with me if Gabby decided to put the baby up for adoption—a possibility that made my anger resurge when I thought about how she’d used me.
She knew I’d fight for the child before letting anyone else raise her, knowing that her parents would back me up.
Did her parents even know that she and Belle had split?
Gabby was infamous for keeping secrets from the family.
The hurtful fact was that I’d always been the exception.
Except for this time, when it really counted…
when a baby was involved that had been created with my DNA. The thought made me weak-kneed.
“Ethan…?”
Jude’s voice catapulted me back to the present. “Are you all right? You paled.”
“I’m good,” I said, turning in his arms. After a moment’s decision, I suggested, “Let’s put on trunks, rent a cabana at the pool, and laze in the sun for the rest of the day. We can order takeout for dinner and then…” I whispered against his lips. “I’m going to fuck you.”