Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
JUDE
On the following Thursday, I had an appointment with Bishop Sanchez while Ethan was at work.
I hadn’t told him that I’d set it up through Inés.
He would’ve insisted on driving me, and this meeting was one that I had to face alone.
The only thing that worried me was if he’d taken it upon himself to include Father Matthew in the meeting.
When the bishop opened the door and let me in, unlike the other times he didn’t take me to the room where the confessional was.
Instead, he gestured for me to take a seat on a chair in his living room.
I set my backpack on the floor and he sat on the settee opposite.
Without an ounce of pleasantness, he asked in a flat tone, “Why are you here, Father Jude?”
I unzipped my backpack and pulled a folder out. Laying it on my lap, I said, “I’m here because I’m requesting you to file a grievance against Father Matthew.”
“For what?” The bishop sounded aggrieved, as if I was filing against him.
I answered in kind. “For showing up with my parents where I am living and aggravating an already tense situation with them.”
Bishop Sanchez’s face drew tight. “When did this take place?”
“On Friday, July 27. I’ve written a detailed report, including the fact that the incident became so incensed I had to threaten police intervention. He insinuated that he was under orders by you to return me to the Church.”
“According to Canonical law, the church is not allowed to retrieve you in any manner,” the bishop stated.
“That doesn’t answer his insinuation. Was he under orders?”
“In a moment of frustration,” the bishop began, “I told him that I’d help him find you, to get you back.”
Needing confirmation, I asked, “And that was all?”
“Yes, the day after I received your letter.”
“He’d told me as much when he ran into me at the coffee shop in Los Alamos.” I placed the folder on the side table next to my chair. “Do you have an issue in submitting my grievance, Bishop Sanchez? Otherwise, I’ll go to the archbishop.”
The bishop nodded toward the folder. “I’ll take care of it. As frustrated and yes, angry, as I’ve been with you, I don’t condone Father Matthew’s actions.”
“Thank you,” I said. “Now for my laicization. What have you decided?”
“I’m sorry, Father Jude. I can’t condone the reasons why you left or breaking your vow of celibacy.
As such, your consequences are losing the Church’s support concerning housing, salary, and the right to perform clerical duties with one exception.
Per Canonical law, in the case of a dying person, you are allowed to offer last rites if no other priest is available. Do you have any questions?”
“No, I don’t. I appreciate your grace in seeing me and hearing me out, Bishop Sanchez. I’m disappointed in not being laicized officially. I already feel the weight of my punishment.” I stood up and slung my backpack over my shoulder. “Good day, Bishop.”
The bishop stood and came to where I was already by the front door. “Father Jude, remember that you are a priest until you take your last breath.” And then he made the sign of the cross in front of me and intoned, “I trust you to put God’s love to good use in whatever means that may come your way.”
I gave him a curt nod and left his house with a heavy heart.
I walked down the block to my car, having parked purposely where he couldn’t spy on me arriving or leaving.
I replayed what he said to me about God’s love, not understanding what he meant.
But I wasn’t in the mood to ask him to explain after hearing the disappointing news.
At least he’d been semi-gracious. But damn, I’d really wanted a clean break from the Church.
I felt bad enough that I would always be a priest, an invisible leash keeping me tethered to rules and views on sexuality that were prehistoric and more importantly, damaging.
I felt vindicated that the bishop would process my complaint against Father Matthew.
So, I got closure there. But I didn’t know what to do with my parents.
I needed advice. As I unlocked my car and got in, I knew the exact person to go to except I didn’t have her number.
I hated calling Frank at work, but I also didn’t want to spend the rest of my day obsessing about it.
When the front desk transferred my call to Frank’s office, he answered, “Hello, this is Frank Cattaneo.”
I tried to speak but I had to clear my throat first. And then a second time. Finally, I managed words. “Hello, Frank, this is Jude. Ethan’s Jude.”
His voice immediately went from congenial to concerned. “Jude, is everything all right? Did you need Ethan?”
“No,” I said a little too loud in my haste to stop him from getting Ethan. In a more controlled voice, I said, “I apologize for bothering you at work but I didn’t have your wife’s number and if she’s available, I could really use her wisdom.”
Quiet laughter came through. “She seems to have a good pulse on things, I’ll agree with that.”
“Do you think she’d mind if I asked her to have coffee with me?” I asked.
“Not at all, Jude. Let me see, it’s three o’clock. I have a suggestion. Since Ethan goes straight to therapy after work, go to the house at four. You’ll have plenty of time to talk before I get home. You’ll stay for supper. And then you can take food home for Ethan. Sound good?”
I wasn’t sure if it was good or not. I couldn’t put them out that much. “I just can’t… without Ethan. He’s the one you’re close with. You hardly know me and I’m feeling crappy now that I think about it. I only phone you when I’m in trouble.”
I imagined Frank having an indulgent smile when he said, “Jude, you have no friends, considering your past fifteen years. And you’re not able to reach out to your family, correct?”
“Correct,” I said.
“Lastly and most important, because of Ethan, Viv and I are more than happy to do whatever we can. You have my cell number, Jude, so next time don’t feel that you have to go through the front desk.”
“All right, thank you.”
“I’m texting you Viv’s number and our address. Will I see you later?”
“Yes, I appreciate the invitation.”
“Great,” Frank said. “I’ll be going down to Ethan’s bay. Did you want me to tell him where you’ll be?”
“Absolutely, and again, Frank… I’m not used to having people care so if I’m awkward, chalk it up to my newness.”
“No worries, Jude. We all have to start somewhere.”
We said our goodbyes but I waited ten minutes before calling Mamma.
I figured Frank would give her a heads-up, which I totally appreciated.
Just like he offered to update Ethan on my plans.
Mamma might be the heart and soul of their family but Frank was definitely the cement and mortar that was the structural foundation.
Forty minutes later, I was sitting in the kitchen with Mamma.
She’d brewed chamomile tea to ease my nerves and then put out a plate of lemon cookies.
Her brown hair, generously sprinkled with gray, was held back with large clips.
She wore no makeup and had her share of crow’s feet, but she was pleasant to look at with her warm smile.
“You picked the perfect day to come calling, Jude. I’ve got a pot roast with all the veggies in the slow cooker, which gives us plenty of time to sit and chat while our meal makes itself.” She slid the plate of cookies toward me.
“I’m glad,” I said somewhat nervous and took a bite of cookie with a sip of tea. Actually, the tea was calming. But she obviously was waiting for me to say something. I huffed out a breath and said, “I’m not sure where to start.”
“Start anywhere and we’ll fill in the gaps as we go along,” she suggested.
“I went to see Bishop Sanchez and he denied my petition to leave the church, saying he didn’t agree with my reasons and…” I waved my hand for whatever ungodly reason and continued, “Well, you know… I’m with Ethan.”
Mamma put her finger to her lips with a thinking expression and then said, “The process toward laicization relies on one person’s opinion.”
“Yes, the bishop. He’s the one who decides to forward it to the Vatican. If he denies it, according to the Church it’s a done deal.”
“Jude, what are the repercussions for you?”
“Basically, the same as leaving a job. I lose salary, housing, and insurance. And I’m stripped of all clerical duties, like giving the sacraments.
What I’m struggling with is closure. I feel having a formal seal of approval would make a difference emotionally, even if the results were the same.
” Shaking my head, I added, “I know it doesn’t make sense. It’s all in my head.”
“It does make sense, Jude. If you had the approval, it would be like them firing you rather than you quitting. Is that right?”
I raised my eyebrow as some clarity hit.
“I’d never thought about it like that but you’re right.
So, if they’d been the ones to accuse me of breaking the rules and firing me, I’d be free of the responsibility of not returning.
And I’d have my closure. But that didn’t happen so how do I switch it around? ”
“When you walked away, you took things in your own hands. You understood what you needed. The way I see it, there was still a firing. When a boss fires someone, it would be a rare case for them to rehire the person.” Mamma smiled at me and patted my hand.
“What I’m saying is a stretch but maybe try and see yourself as the boss of your own life. ”
Then she got up to check the roast, releasing the pungent aroma of rosemary, thyme, and garlic into the room. “Smells delicious.” She added chunky pieces of potato, gave everything a stir, and put the lid back on. “Do you want more tea?”
“No, I’m good. I do have one more problem, really the one that I should’ve begun with. Do we have time before Frank gets home?”
“At least a half hour, if not longer,” Mamma said and retook her seat. “Is that enough?”