Chapter 24 #2
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and with eyes downcast again, he began.
“When you welcomed her into the world I saw the love. Even in profile, you appeared dazed by her presence. I thought… wrongly thought apparently, that you’d made up your mind about adopting her.
That’s on me.” He raised his watery eyes.
“I don’t believe that you’ll pick me over her.
She’s your blood. And I ran… because I didn’t have it in me to hear you say the words out loud. ”
I softened at his honesty. The instant I saw the baby, I had fallen in love.
A tiny creation with a wrinkly red face and a mess of fine black strands sticking up at odd angles on her head.
She was exquisite in her perfection. But Jude was also my future.
I ached to cross the distance between us.
To cocoon him in my arms, embrace him in my love.
Also, I blamed myself for Jude jumping to conclusions.
Perhaps not talking about the baby throughout Gabby’s pregnancy hadn’t been the best strategy.
Either way, we both had to come clean. “I’m sorry that you lacked faith in me.
I thought I’d made it clear how much I love you.
To think that you’d assume I’d throw away the life we’d made for ourselves over the last year is both insulting and disappointing. ”
“I always said that I wouldn’t stay,” he snapped, indignant.
“Yeah,” I said, leaning back and folding my hands in my lap. “You did. Then it should’ve been easy for you to say goodbye. Me holding the baby shouldn’t have made a fucking difference. So, I’ll ask you again, Jude. Why did you run?”
Slamming his fists on the bed, he yelled. “Because I love you. I love you so damn much and I don’t know how to resolve the two.”
I got up and sat on the bed next to him.
Jude seemed to be comparing adult love with parental love for a child.
Cradling his face, I turned him to look at me.
“Baby, our love is between adults. You’re the man I’m intimate with.
The man that I can’t get enough of. The sexy man that has me horny the second I come home from work.
” I brushed the hair back from his forehead and pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his lips.
“Yes, I’ll love my daughter, but no child can replace the fact that I’m in love with only you. ”
“I get what you’re saying ,” Jude said, pleadingly. “But I still need to know if you’re going to adopt her.”
Jude,” I said on a sigh and pushed on against hope that Jude would ever stay if I adopted the baby.
“I was hoping we could come up with that answer together. I know you think that adoption should be my decision only. But that’s fucking bullshit.
Couples don’t make a major change in their lives doing it solo. I thought we were a couple.”
“Of course, we’re a couple,” Jude snapped.
Plowing on, I said, “You’ve been going to therapy. Did you ever ask Andrew?”
“No,” he said defensively.
“Ask yourself why, then? Cause that piece would’ve been pretty fucking important.
” I was beyond exasperated. This whole conversation has been futile and I didn’t want to lose my temper.
“I’m going to suggest an idea. But Jude, if you know in your gut that you can’t do it, then fucking have the goddamn balls to tell me now.
Because as much as my heart would shatter into a million pieces…
if you ghost me again, there is no coming back from my mistrust in you. ”
He had his arms wrapped around him. “What is it?”
“The baby is going to stay with Frank and Mamma. Gabby will stop by to fill the baby bottles with her breast milk. She refused to breastfeed.”
“Why are you telling me?”
“Come back to Long Beach and stay with Frank and Mamma. Just for a few days. Gabby won’t be there so you don’t have to interact with her. And you can be with the baby as little as you want. There’s no obligation.”
“Why Ethan? This seems like a really bad idea. Have you ever been around kids before?”
“Never,” I said. “But I’ve always wanted a family.
I might be the one that’ll need therapy attempting to raise a child, especially if I do it solo.
But I want someone to look up to me. To share memories.
Because Jude, as much as your argument is that I’m not choosing you…
that I’m not putting you first, you’re doing the same with me.
I’ve got a news flash for you: I don’t like being rejected either.
In my mind, you’re making the situation about you, instead of us. ”
I saw understanding dawn on Jude’s face. The irony was that I hadn’t even made the connection until just then in terms of him giving up on me. And I was thankful for another weapon in my near-empty arsenal.
“I’m asking you not to throw away our perfect year together without testing the waters with the baby. Then we make a joint decision—together. If it means that you still walk away, so be it. But at least I can console myself that you tried.”
I sat down again next to him.
“I’m scared, Ethan. I come from such a fucked-up family.
And what have I done all year? Nothing. I’ve made no plans to work because I don’t know what I want to do.
I feel like I have no direction. I feel like having to be responsible for another human when I’m not even responsible for myself is ludicrous. You do everything for me.”
I didn’t want to get in another back-and-forth with him but I had to respond.
“Baby, that’s not true. You’ve taken a lot of household stress off my shoulders.
You’ve kept the apartment immaculate. You do all the grocery shopping and most of the cooking, which has given us time to do things we enjoy, like going to The Ring instead of having to go to Vons for supper ingredients.
This has been a gap year for you. Time to figure out who you are.
After years locked up in the arms of the Church, you deserved taking time off and being in my arms instead. ”
“But a baby in the mix of me discovering myself…” Jude let the unfinished sentence hang between us for long moment.
“And how am I going to do that with a baby in tow? I’ve hardly contributed anything toward living expenses since you refused to split the rent, or utilities.
I only buy the food because you’re not with me when I shop. ”
I wanted so much to share the news about my coming promotion and Italy, but I didn’t want to add something else for him to think about.
I didn’t know how I’d take care of a six-month-old baby while working full time.
One of the benefits was that I spoke Italian.
I smiled inside thinking about teaching my daughter both English and Italian, as I had learned.
“The same way you’d do it without the baby. ”
I didn’t dare tell Jude that I hadn’t cleared my plan with Mamma, since it literally just jumped in my head. I’d have to call her on my drive home and explain. I wasn’t worried though. She’d do anything to help me get Jude on board.
I was prepared to keep talking, trying to get him to agree when he said, “I’ll do it. You’ve made some good points. I have no idea where to go anyway. Maybe being with Mamma will help clear my brain.”
“Do you want to think about it overnight to be sure? The last thing I want is to pressure you only for you to change your mind.”
“No, I’ll do what you’re suggesting,” Jude said, his voice steady. “I hadn’t stop to consider that that in walking out on the baby, I rejected them as well.”
He hid his face in his hands and I couldn’t hold back anymore.
I drew him into me and kissed the top of his head, then took his mouth, claiming it deeply with tongue and teeth and not coming up for air until we were both needed to.
Peppering his face and neck, I said, “May I take you out to an early dinner?”
Jude surprised me when he asked, “What’s her name?”
“Well, I’d intended to have you name her with me, but the hospital wouldn’t discharge Gabby if the baby wasn’t named.” I paused, wondering if Jude would remember. “Her name is Isabella Jude Cattaneo.”
His hand went to his mouth and his eyes misted over. “You remembered when I told you about Queen Isabella of Castille.”
“Yes, I liked the name and the meaning behind it. A strong woman who rose to be a queen in a patriarchal society.”
“But Jude is a male name,” he countered, cheeks glowing pink.
“Not anymore,” I said. “It’s considered gender neutral. But it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.”
“Why?” he asked, taking the initiative and splaying his hand over my chest.
I picked up his hands and kissed across his knuckles. “If at the end, you walk away for good, I wanted a part of you with me. If you stay, her names will be a constant reminder of how much I adore you.”
Encircling his arms around my neck, he said, “I have an idea. Let’s leave this place and go to a nicer hotel with room service and a jacuzzi tub, then we’ll drive to Long Beach in the morning.” And then he remembered, “Oh we can’t. I forgot this was the middle of the week.”
I tightened his arms around me again and murmured, “I took tomorrow off.”
“You took off two days for me?” he commented, looking at me under lowered eyelashes.
“Yes, baby brat. Just for you,” I said and gave his rump a slap.
“I’ll start looking,” Jude said, his phone already open.
“I need to talk to Frank about something work related. I’ll be right back. My notes are in the truck.”
Jude gestured “okay” as he scrolled through his phone and I went down to my truck. Unlocking the door, I got in, not taking any chances that he could hear. But instead of calling Frank, I pressed the call button for Mamma. After three rings, she answered. “Ethan, how did it go?”
“Honestly, we were touch and go, but I suggested something without checking with you first when I became desperate.”
“Anything, figlio.”
“I’m sure Jude wants to be with me but he’s freaking about Isabella.”
“In what way?”