Chapter 29
29
The Hideaway, St Aidan
S andcastles and empty beds
Monday
I ’m still getting used to how fast things move in St Aidan. After a quick look at the forecast to see that Monday was going to be sunny, all it took was a message on the Mums and Bumps WhatsApp, and the afternoon at mine was sorted. We kept the numbers small, so when Clemmie and Sophie came over the dunes from the lane, they were leading a column of six mums and their assorted small ones towards the picket fence. And since then they’ve been sitting on rugs and chairs at the bottom of the deck steps, while the little ones play in the sand with an assortment of buckets and spades.
Clemmie is on the deck with me, and while we’ve been taking out second helpings of trifle and sorting out ice-cream cones, we’ve been having our first catch-up about my week at work.
‘It’s hilarious that your bakes sold so well there weren’t any blondies left for Kit.’
As she laughs, Clemmie sways Arnie, who’s asleep in his sling. Sophie insisted on coming too, even though Maisie, her youngest, is at school, and she’s keeping an eye on Bud. Even though the fizz is mostly alcohol-free it’s going down fast, and I’m on my way to get more from the fridge.
I call to Clemmie on my way to the kitchen. ‘Kit was beside himself when he arrived back at the studio empty-handed! We found out later that Jean and Shirley had come past with their walking group, and the hungry hotel guests had taken the rest.’
It might have been beginner’s luck, but I did the same again on Sunday, with toffee Rice Krispies and lemon drizzle cake, and by the time I came back from Kit’s at lunchtime, that had all gone too.
As for how it went at Kit’s, Saturday’s couple were in their fifties, on their second time around, and planning a modern elopement, and Sunday’s were younger, but brought their kids along too. And thanks to Kit telling them all about The Hideaway, both lots added in an impromptu visit to mine for a pudding-on-the-deck photo opportunity at the end of the afternoon.
As I come back outside, Clemmie’s looking down at the little ones running up to Sophie with her tray of ice creams. ‘How have you coped, having all these little people around?’
I take a second to consider. ‘When I first arrived, I might have found it hard to watch families, but what I care about now is The Hideaway’s future, so it’s great that the mums are here enjoying the place.’ I can tell from her frown that she wants more reassurance. ‘Moving was a gamble, but I haven’t regretted it for a second. I don’t feel there’s anything I’m missing out on.’
For the first time ever I’ve got a home that’s mine, and I’m earning in a way that makes people happy, too. To be honest, seeing Clemmie and Nell dealing with their newborns has been like a reality check for me. Their babies feed all through the night! I can’t imagine putting myself through that. I love seeing them all, but it’s a relief to curl up on the sofa after a peaceful supper and know the most I have to do before morning is let Shadow out for a late-night wee then dedicate myself to eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. As I can barely look after Shadow and me, I’m much better off as a star aunty.
Clemmie’s face brightens. ‘So you’d be up for another impromptu afternoon when the sun’s out again?’
‘Definitely.’ As Kit apparently takes short-notice bookings too, last-minute works well for me. While I’ve got Clemmie on her own, I need to ask. ‘So how did Plum take the news that Rye is off the menu? Was she devastated?’
Clemmie pulls a face. ‘She was relieved to have an explanation for his lack of enthusiasm, but it hasn’t put her off any.’
I laugh. ‘If Plum is anything like Dillon she won’t give in – it’ll have made her ten times more determined.’
‘Talking of the man himself…’ Clemmie’s eyebrows have gone into overdrive ‘…if he’s planning to visit soon, does that mean he’s not giving up on you either?’ She takes hold of my hand and squeezes it. ‘We mermaids are all hoping once you and Dillon have had time apart, you’ll realise you belong together.’
When Mum mentioned this a while back I let it go, but I need to put Clemmie right before this express train runs away. ‘I hate to disappoint you all, but there won’t be a reunion for Dillon and me because we didn’t just drift apart, we broke – irretrievably.’
Clemmie’s eyes go wide. ‘I’m so sorry, we had no idea.’
There’s no reason why they should have done. I’ve kept this to myself, but if they know more detail at least they’ll understand. Even now it’s hard to say the words out loud. ‘It really wasn’t Dillon’s fault – but he slept with someone else.’
The colour drains from Clemmie’s cheeks. ‘Flossie, that’s awful.’
I need to put it in context. ‘Awful, but understandable. I was a wreck after my operations, and we hadn’t had sex for ages. You know how Dillon throws himself at everything?’
Clemmie nods. ‘Fast and furious is the only way he knows.’
I smile as I remember. ‘His energy was what attracted me to him in the first place, but soft and gentle in the bedroom wasn’t ever going to work for him. At first, I assumed our sex life would limp along until I got better, but then I realised he was only going to be properly interested when it got back to how it was before, which it actually never could. And it was only once the sex had gone that I realised how much that was what had glued us together as a couple. Without that there to keep us on track, we were adrift.’ Even though it’s horrible hearing myself say it, as I carry on it feels, once again, like what happened next was inevitable. ‘We were trying to find a way through it all, and then Dillon was at this work party, some random woman hit on him, and boom. He was drunk enough to say yes, but sober enough to deliver the goods. And because this was honest, honourable Dillon, he came straight home and told me.’
That night is etched on my brain so clearly. What’s more, I had so many chances to avert it and I missed them all. If only I’d put in the effort and gone with him, instead of letting him tuck me up on the sofa with an alcohol-free G&T and a packet of mini cheddars to binge-watch repeats of Gilmore Girls . If only I’d bothered to remember a cheeky hand job in the shower could be the highlight of his Saturday, especially if I made him a bacon sandwich after. I can’t even blame it on the illness, because by this time chemo was a distant nightmare, and I was months into being officially cancer-free. But looking back, my eye must have been so far off the game, it almost felt like I’d given up playing it.
Clemmie’s shaking her head. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I didn’t blame him, it was just an awful mistake. I thought if I forgave him, we’d be able to carry on and get back to what we used to be.’ I drag in a breath. ‘But the problem was he couldn’t forgive himself. He couldn’t get past the guilt.’
He was sitting cross-legged on the end of the bed in the half light, waiting for me to wake up so he could tell me what he’d done, because he felt it wasn’t respectful to come under the duvet before I knew. He was the one who cried while I sat there trying to work out if it was real or if I was still asleep. That was how absurd it was. For weeks after I couldn’t shake off the feeling I was about to wake up and find the whole thing had been a bad dream. And after that he never stopped beating himself up about it.
Clemmie sighs. ‘You two were such a perfect couple.’
I blow out a breath. ‘Him knowing that only made it worse. We struggled on for a while, but we’d got to a place we couldn’t get back from. However long we stayed together, he’d always know there was a time when he’d cheated. And however much I pretended, the post-op sex was never going to be what it used to be.’ I shrug. ‘In the end, I was the one who decided that we’d be best to separate.’
If I hadn’t been ill, this would never have happened, so it felt like my responsibility to be strong, to try to make things right going forward. Dillon wasn’t a bad guy, but as long as he stayed with me, in his own mind he would be. And that wasn’t fair on him. Hard as it was, I loved him enough to know I had to set him free.
I’m agonising as I look at Clemmie. ‘I’d hate anyone to think badly of Dillon, so please be sparing with what you tell the others. But I wanted you to know it all, so you’d know how to head them off. We always said we could still get back together again if we wanted to, but we both know it wouldn’t work.’
Clemmie pulls me into a hug. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll manage their expectations and if Dillon does turn up, I’ll make sure they hold back on the matchmaking.’ As she lets me go, she gives me a hard stare. ‘So while Dillon’s off having a ball in Dubai, what about you?’
While it’s just me and Clemmie, I’m going to offload something else. ‘The real reason I came to St Aidan is because I damaged my throat and haven’t been able to do the reading work. But I haven’t said anything because if Dillon or Sophie hears they’ll want to step in with handouts, and I’d rather manage on my own.’
Clemmie’s shaking her head again. ‘Shit, Flossie, you’ve certainly had more than your share of things going wrong. I wish it hadn’t happened, but at the same time it’s lovely having you back.’ Her eyes are shining. ‘And you are managing, aren’t you?’
I grin. ‘Mainly thanks to Rye and Kit and their insatiable appetite for chocolate.’
She gives me a nudge. ‘It’s a lot more than that. Your sweets are incredible, they’re completely unique.’
I wrinkle my nose. ‘It’s all down to you having me as an outpost! After that I just hit lucky. The strange thing is, I love what I’m doing so much it’s becoming compulsive. I’ve never felt this enthusiastic about anything’
Clemmie’s biting her lip. ‘And are you going to be as lucky in love?’
I shrink under her scrutiny. ‘Shadow and I won’t be adding to our cosy twosome any time soon.’
‘Really?’
‘Dating’s a minefield at the best of times.’ I don’t often get this far down the road, but for once I’m allowing myself to think what would happen if there was someone I actually liked who liked me back. Absolutely not anyone in particular, you understand. Just trying the idea on for size. I drop my voice. ‘I say I’m all better, but in some people just like me, the cancer does come back.’ I shiver as I think about it. ‘That’s not something you’d put onto someone in the long term. Especially not someone you really, really liked. In fact, the more you liked them, the worse it would make it.’
Clemmie’s mouth pulls down at the corners. ‘It’s a catch-22, then?’
‘That’s why the solo option is the one that works!’
She frowns. ‘You not wanting another relationship doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. Not all relationships are long ones.’ She takes in my horrified stare. ‘As Nell would say, sleeping with someone else might be what you need to let you move on.’ She grins at me. ‘If a quickie in the dunes is ever on offer, promise me you’ll grab it with both hands.’
I pull a face, both of us knowing it’s never going to happen. If I couldn’t manage to have sex with my long-term partner, I’m more likely to fly to the moon than do it with a stranger. But it’s good she’s pushing me to try this on for size too.
Clemmie gives me a scolding glance. ‘Don’t give me that look. St Aidan in summer … the beach bursting with hot surfers … you’re bound to find someone on your wavelength!’
There’s the shuffle of feet on these steps, and Sophie’s blonde head comes into view. ‘Have you heard from Nell?’ She’s holding Bud on her hip, and I’m hoping she didn’t hear any of what came before.
I glance at my phone. ‘She said she was almost ready to come, but that was two hours ago!’
Clemmie looks down at Arnie. ‘If it’s her first time out, she may not even make it.’
Sophie laughs. ‘When Milla was a baby I didn’t get dressed for a full four months.’
I’m sure that’s not right, because I remember sharing my pint and a pack of salt and vinegar crisps with her outside The Slug and Lettuce when Milla was tiny, but it’s the ideal opportunity for me to keep her on this subject. ‘So have you bought any non-turquoise clothes yet, Sophie?’
Sophie’s eyes are wide, and she’s pointing to herself. ‘ How have you not noticed my new colourway? My chinos are powder-grey, and my T-shirt is Alpine white.’ She gives a grimace. ‘I’m so far out of my comfort zone , I’m not having a good day.’
Clemmie stiffens as she hears my phone ping. ‘Is that Nell now?’
As I read the message I only wish it was. ‘It’s Kit.’ I turn to Sophie. Whatever she was saying about her day being bad, it’s about to get a whole lot worse. ‘He’s just heard, Mum’s going on another date with Byron.’
Sophie’s suddenly shrieking. ‘Don’t just stand there, Flossie, do something! ’
I pull a face. ‘Like what?’ There’s another ping. ‘It’s Kit again.’
Florence Flapjack, if you’d be up for some low-key parental surveillance at the High Tides bar, I’m happy to come as your cover? Tomorrow night at eight would work x
I’m trying to hide that my heart is banging against my ribs hard enough to be heard in St Aidan. ‘He’s suggesting we go for drinks at the hotel and do some covert monitoring.’
Sophie punches the air. ‘A spying date! Brilliant!’
I wince at the words. ‘Except we won’t really be spying…’
Clemmie butts in. ‘And you definitely won’t be on a date !’ She laughs. ‘If you and James Bond grab every opportunity with both hands, I’m sure you’ll get a great outcome.’
But by the time I should be replying to that I’m already down on the beach, filling up fizz flutes.