Chapter 1
1
They say that when you can’t sleep, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dream, yet I couldn’t think of one person at all in the whole world who would be dreaming about me. Since my divorce, I had never felt more alone in my life. When I couldn’t sleep, everything that was swirling around in my mind came back to keep me awake. Normally my middle-of-the-night thoughts were about how I’d managed to let my marriage stagnate to the point that my husband left me, and how I’d missed all the signs. I must have been so stupid. The girls were also constantly on my mind, even though they were both living their best lives.
I couldn’t get the image of that gorgeous cottage with its big windows and view over the sand dunes out to sea out of my head. As I lay in bed, I couldn’t help thinking that if I lived in Sandpiper Shore I’d get up and walk along the beach even if it was chucking it down with rain.
Eventually, at 5a.m., I decided to get up and make myself a cup of tea. It was a clear spring morning and the birds were getting on my nerves, having the audacity to be singing loudly. I wasn’t a great sleeper at the best of times these days. The bed felt like a huge space for one and I missed the body heat from my husband, although at my time of life, it was my body heat that he’d always complain about. I was taking my mum to a routine doctor’s appointment at 9a.m. anyway, so may as well get a head start on the day. However, sitting in my lounge window looking up the street and contemplating life wasn’t really inspiring me to do anything particularly exciting. Sometimes I felt like my life had completely stopped and that I didn’t know how to live it any more. While some people weren’t even waking up, and didn’t have the option to live their life, I felt guilty that I felt like I was constantly bored and just missing something, not quite able to put my finger on what.
Since Michael had gone and the girls had built their own lives, I had no purpose. It was nice that Mum had asked me to take her to her appointment. It felt as if someone still needed me from time to time. As I grabbed my handbag and my car keys from the hook on which they were hanging in the hall, I wondered if Mum felt the same when I left home and whether she’d felt lonely too.
Mum was ready and waiting on her porch when I pulled up and I noticed that she’d got some lovely pots of vibrantly colourful plants outside the front door which really brightened up her driveway. She’d been quite chatty since I’d picked her up but my mind was all over the place. The waiting room was full and we were squished into the remaining two chairs.
‘Come on then. Out with it.’ My mother gave me a look that only mothers can give.
‘With what?’
‘What’s on your mind?’
‘I’m fine, Mum, it’s nothing. Just didn’t sleep very well.’
‘Again? Is that because you’ve got something on your mind?’
‘I’m fine, honestly.’
‘Well, tell your face that then. You look like a wet weekend in Wales!’ We both laughed, remembering a childhood holiday in Rhyl when it rained constantly for two whole weeks. We’d always refer to it when something was making us miserable.
‘Joanna Riddle Martin. I’m your mother and you know I know you better than anyone. What’s up?’
I knew I was in trouble when she added my very unusual middle name into the mix. I’d never forgive her for blessing me with that. I constantly had the mickey taken out of me at school. But she was right. She did know when something was troubling me.
‘Do you remember Michael’s Aunty June?’
‘Wasn’t she that cantankerous old biddy that Michael couldn’t stand?’
‘Yes, but I never could understand why he said that about her. He really didn’t like her. I got on with her like a house on fire.’
Mum raised an eyebrow.
‘Probably because she was someone that he couldn’t manipulate. Anyway, what about her?’
‘She died.’
‘Oh, that’s a shame. Didn’t she stop you all having anything to do with her?’
‘Strangely, yes. She said she wanted us to remember her how she was and not as a little old lady incapable of looking after herself.’
Aunty June had been amazing. When we last saw her, she’d been booking herself on a Caribbean cruise.
‘She must have been quite an age?’
‘She never would tell us her real age. Said she wanted to remain an enigma. Do you remember me telling you about her cottage, Mum?’
‘The one you fell in love with. The one by the dunes?’
‘That’s the one.’
‘What about it?’
‘She’s left it to me.’
Mum’s mouth dropped open. I continued.
‘She has stipulated, though, that I have to live in it.’
‘Oh, that’s wonderful news, Jo. I know how much you’ve always wanted to live by the sea.’
I was still trying to work out why this was happening, still sure that at some point, the solicitor would realise that the situation with Michael meant that things had changed.
‘I had a call from a solicitor saying she’d willed it to me. You know how I always told her that I’d love her home? Well, she clearly didn’t forget. I couldn’t move there, could I? It’s just so far away. I have you and the girls to think about too.’
‘Why are you even thinking about the girls? They never come back anyway. I never did know why you didn’t rent a smaller place with fewer rooms.’
‘It’s so they could come and stay if they wanted to.’
‘And have they been back at all since you moved in two years ago?’
‘Well, only once, but…’
‘They’ve got their own lives now, darling. And, to be honest, so have I. If you seriously want to move, you shouldn’t let anyone else stop you. I might be seventy-five but there’s a lot of life in this old dog yet and life is too short to live it because of other people. If you did move, I could come and stay. That would be lovely! And just imagine living by the sea. You’ve always wanted to do that, Jo. You should do it before it’s too late.’
This time it was my turn to frown.
‘I’m not being maudlin, but it’s true. Life is too bloody short to not do the things you want to do. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If you don’t like it, you could sell up and come back.’
‘Or there might be another way,’ I mumbled.
‘Which is?’ My mother turned her head to me sharply.
‘You could come with me.’ I thought I’d put that idea out there. My mother threw back her head and laughed.
‘Darling, once children become adults, they should never live with their parents. There’s a reason why children leave home, you know.’ We both laughed at this point. I had always had a fabulous relationship with my mum, which had grown even stronger over the years and recently she’d been my absolute rock through the toughest of times. The breakdown of my marriage had been the hugest of surprises to me and a massive wake-up call. I’d never felt so low and without her I wasn’t sure how I would have coped.
The fact that I was adopted had never been hidden from me, and Mum had always tucked me in at night, said she loved me to the moon and back and said that I was more special than a birth child, because she’d chosen me. I never thought of her as anything but Mum and had decided at a very early age that no good would ever come of seeking out my birth parents. No one could have been a better mum than mine.
I berated myself now for ever thinking of leaving her behind but my mother was making me question myself. ‘You should seriously do it, Jo. Without being rude, you’re not getting any younger and surely the last couple of years of your life since Michael left have taught you that you never know what is just around the corner.’
‘I get that, Mum, but I don’t even know what state the house is in. The solicitor said it would need modernising and I just don’t have any spare cash. Maybe the universe is telling me that this is not my time.’
‘Well, you never know. Maybe the very clever universe has a plan for you that you’re not aware of. Life can be full of surprises when you’re not expecting them. On that note, there was something I wanted to talk to you about too. You know Barry from my crib club. Well, it’s like this…’