Chapter 12
12
Only a person who has felt sheer loneliness can know how hard it is to say those words.
Lonely can mean something different to everyone.
It reminded me of a conversation I had with the girls when I told them that I was having to move out of the family home and into the flat. Even after all that their father had done to me, I hadn’t the heart to tell them that his business had gone bankrupt and that our home had to be sold to pay off his debts.
Melissa was the first one to be brave enough to say what she’d been thinking.
‘But, Mum, can’t you see how ridiculous you are being?’
‘Ridiculous how, Melissa?’
‘That’s our family home, Mum. That’s where all our happy family memories were made.’
‘You think I don’t know that, darling? It’s the place where I made my babies.’
‘Ew, Mum!’ Lucy mock heaved.
‘Well, it’s true. Not only that, but also the place that I brought my babies back to. That was honestly the happiest time of my life. When you came home, Lucy, you completed our family. It was the four of us against the world. But then it was the three of us because your dad was never around, always at work. He thought more of that bloody business than he did of his family.’ I did think it was important to tell them about some of my frustrations with him, if not all of them.
‘Oh, Mum, that’s unfair. You didn’t work. He had to work hard.’
‘No, that’s unfair, Lucy. I would have loved to go out to work. I was stuck at home with you two.’
‘Thanks a lot.’
‘Let me finish, Melissa. I was stuck at home with you two but I loved it, I was going to say before you so rudely interrupted me.’ I smiled. ‘I adored you both. You were my world, but my world had shrunk to the three of us. It was more trouble than it was worth to go out because it was bloody hard work on my own. When you started at school, Melissa, it was a little easier but then everything was about watching the clock. Before we knew it after we’d dropped you off, it was time to pick you back up again.’
Melissa went to speak again but I raised my hand.
‘Please let me finish. It’s bloody hard work bringing up two kids on your own and yes, I didn’t work, but I wish I did. Other friends of mine had their kids and still went to work. They had childminders or their children went to nursery but your dad didn’t want that. I should have put my foot down then because when I didn’t, I lost a lot of myself along the way.’
‘I’m sorry you felt like that, Mum,’ Lucy said. ‘I didn’t realise. And it’s not that we want to spoil your fun now, you know. Me and Melissa, we just want you to be happy and your friends are all around here. This is our home to come back to.’
‘But you don’t come back, darling. You both have your own lives. And suddenly, with you both gone and your father gone, and your grandma shacked up with Bazza…’ we all grinned at that, before I turned sad again. ‘What do I have left really? I’ve lost touch with a lot of my friends over the years, especially since your dad and I parted.’
‘We’ll try to come home more, Mum.’
‘You have your own lives to live, darlings.’ I took my daughters’ hands in mine and looked from one of them to the other. ‘This isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, you know. I’ve thought about nothing else for months.’
That was bad enough, but when I told them that I was moving to Cornwall, they were positively outraged, even though their promises to come home more often hadn’t materialised. I couldn’t hang around for them in the hope that they might occasionally drop around. It was time for me to make a new life for myself.
‘But won’t you be lonely stuck down there in Cornwall, Mum?’
‘I am already incredibly lonely, girls. And maybe I’d be better being lonely in my dream cottage by the sea than lonely in the village where I’m surrounded by ghosts and memories that are no longer happy but mixed with sad ones. I’ve made up my mind and there’s nothing more to be said. I’m going and that’s that.’
I turned back to Michelle now.
‘Tell me more.’
‘I’m not bigging myself up, well, maybe a little, but I’m a hugely successful businesswoman, Jo. I’ve worked my arse off to get to where I am today. Harder than any of the men I work with, just to be seen as equal. Not fair but it’s just how it is. I have a team of people who love working with me. We go out for drinks after work. I run the company social media profiles and chat to all sorts of people online. I’m dead busy, always on the go. I’m the face of the company and am seen as a leading influencer.’ She sighed and I waited, before prompting her to continue.
‘But…’
She pulled a face.
‘But, when I go home from work at night, particularly after a fun night out, I close the door behind me and I’m sad. I’m lonely. No one really gives a shit about me.’
‘Oh, I’m sure they do.’
‘Oh, don’t get me wrong. They do in the moment. But when I’m out of sight I’m out of mind. I have friends but none that are single. When I need something doing, they say that they’ll get their husband or partner to help, but then when I’m not there, they’ve forgotten about the thing I needed doing and then I have to find someone else. A professional. And when I find someone else, they say that I should have reminded them. That makes me feel like I have to beg for help and I won’t beg anyone. I’d rather go without.’
‘What about family? Can they help?’
‘Mum and Dad are both long gone. Mum died of cancer fifteen years ago now and Dad’s heart just stopped a year and a half later. Doctors said it just stopped working properly. A mystery really. One doctor said it happens sometimes. There’s a technical word for it but I forgot it. It’s basically a broken heart. He couldn’t live without her.’
‘Oh, Michelle, that’s so sad.’
‘It really was. At first, when Mum died, I felt like I had a purpose. My brother moved to America years ago. He had a wife and two kids out there so it was all down to me. When Mum was poorly, she needed me. Dad needed me to look after him after she’d died, and then all of a sudden he wasn’t here any more and I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was like I’d got no purpose in life. I almost felt like he didn’t love me enough to stay for me. That must sound ridiculous. I’m pathetic, aren’t I?’ She took another sip of her drink and a tear fell from her eye. ‘No one needs me any more.’
‘It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. That’s similar to how I felt when Michael left. The girls had left home years ago, first one, then the other to go to their universities and I had a severe case of empty nest syndrome. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. At that point I should have returned to work, but in truth, I didn’t know what I was good at any more. I’d lost any type of skill years ago.’
‘That’s rubbish. I reckon you could give any mother a job and they’d be able to manage a company blindfolded with their hands behind their backs. Their organisational skills of running a family would be perfect for a PA role. I’ve always said it. Mums are the ones that make the family work. They make sure everyone is where they need to be at the right time wearing the right clothes with all the right accessories. Most bosses would bumble their way around life if it wasn’t for their wife or their secretary.’
‘Never thought of it like that to be honest, Michelle. Michael definitely needed his secretary more than he needed me.’
‘Probably because she stroked his ego more than you did. Sometimes that’s what men need. Most of them are quite pathetic. They just want someone to tell them how fabulous they are.’
‘Yeah, well she certainly stroked a lot more than his ego.’
Michelle spat her drink out at that and couldn’t stop laughing. It lightened the moment for sure.
‘So, is there not a man in your life, Michelle? Or a woman, of course. Mustn’t assume.’
‘No, and no, I’m straight, although never say never, eh?’ She winked at me. ‘Seriously though, I’ve not met anyone for a long time that I wanted to be with. I was with someone when Mum started to get poorly. Steve, I really liked him, but he ran for the hills when things started to get hard. He liked to go out partying and I did it because he enjoyed it but I had to stop all of that so I was around for Mum through her treatment. He ended it. Said I was dragging him down. That I was miserable all the time. After that happened and then I lost Mum and Dad, to be honest with you, I wouldn’t let anyone get close to me again. I’ve been on my own for years now.’
‘Oh, Michelle.’ I reached for her hand.
‘Sometimes I can cope with it. Then other times it hits me hard how alone I am. I went to a friend’s house for dinner last Saturday evening with her and her husband. It’s unusual to be asked, to be honest. Have you noticed when you’re on your own, you don’t really get invited to stuff?’
‘I have!’
‘Well, they did invite me round and it was lovely. The three of us sat in their kitchen and their son was home from university too and he joined us. We had some drinks and we’d got some music on and we danced around their kitchen and we laughed and it made me realise how much I miss having that in my life. Just having someone. Not just for the big stuff, but for the small stuff too. Someone to make me a cuppa after a busy day at work, and ask how my day was. Someone to run me a bath, rub my feet, give me a hug, a little kiss on the forehead. Someone to pour me a glass of wine. Someone who actually cares about me. I’m tired, Jo. Tired of doing every fucking thing on my own or for myself. Does that make me sound really ungrateful for what I have?’
‘It makes you sound really honest.’
‘What is it about you? I’ve only just met you and for some bloody unknown reason have told you all my innermost thoughts.’
‘I’m flattered!’
‘You’ll wish you hadn’t asked. You’re a good listener. Thank you. You should be a counsellor or a psychotherapist.’
‘Funnily enough, that was something I always wanted to do after I studied psychology at A Level. But then I never did.’
I thought back to how much I’d really wanted to do this at one point. Was that another opportunity that had passed me by?
‘You should think about doing it again. You’d be amazing, you know. God, is that the time? My taxi will be here any minute.’
We noticed that we’d been sitting talking so long that the staff were standing around, waiting for us to go. We didn’t want to outstay our welcome so asked for the bill, thanked them profusely for their amazing food and hospitality and told them what a lovely evening we’d had.
We arranged to meet for coffee the next day. I wanted to pop back to the shop we’d met in because there was a gorgeous pair of chairs in there that I couldn’t stop thinking about. They would be perfect to place either side of the French doors in the lounge and hopefully I could fit them in the back of my Range Rover, if I put the seats down in the back.
That night, before I went to bed, I flung open the French doors and marvelled at how stunning the sea looked shimmering in the moonlight, while reflecting on the ups and downs of the day. Maybe I’d look into researching what training was needed to become a counsellor. Sometimes, I thought, it was the tiny rays of possibility that offered you that little bit of hope for the future.