Chapter 45
45
‘So what about you, Emma? Now Michelle’s all loved up with Doctor Hottie, what’s your plan going forward? Got your eye on anyone?’ I wanted to be clear that she hadn’t got designs on Seamus before I thought any more about him and the possibility of there being an us.
‘Do you know what, Jo? I think living here with you two has given me complete and utter clarity on my life.’ Emma held her cup with two hands and sipped at her coffee, while we sat staring out to sea.
‘Go on…’ I was intrigued.
‘I feel at peace, Jo. I think that’s what it is. I was so lost and lonely when my husband died. I thought my heart would never heal, and while I know life will never be the same again, I feel like I can finally start to work out who I am. Our Lonely Hearts Club has done more for me than you’ll ever know.’
‘How so?’
‘It’s not just about the company, is it? It’s great, of course, and just not having that deathly silence around you. It’s about the support, the companionship, the learning from each other. There are other widows that have said they’d love to come along to the meet-ups and some of them are still in that lost pit of despair, whereas others are forging forward in life, working out what they want to be and do and even have and give to others. I know that you and Michelle have been amazing, but no one knows what it’s like to be a widow unless they’ve experienced it themselves. It’s not just the grief for the here and now, but the grief for the future you’ll never have. Your hopes and dreams, the things that you’ve worked towards for a whole lifetime, suddenly snatched away. And you can either continue to do them, or you can find things to fill your life. You can sit and wallow and be sad, or you can live your life to the best of your ability to honour the person you loved, who isn’t able to do that any more. Does that sound daft?’
I honestly thought that Emma was one of the bravest people I knew. She’d been through so much, and she tried so hard to be upbeat, but I knew that there were times when she felt desperately sad. I’d seen her stop in the middle of doing something and her eyes would fill with tears and she’d make an excuse and leave the room. I know I’d lost my husband and best friend, but in a very different way. They were still there, in the background. She’d never see her loved one again. And that must be so hard to cope with.
‘So, I’m done wallowing, Jo. It’s time that I picked myself up, dusted myself down and learnt to love myself again. I’ve put so much of my energy over the last couple of years into grieving that I’m exhausted. It’s time now to start to look at the life I’ve got left and make the most out of every minute. I’ve decided to organise The Lonely Hearts Club’s first solo holiday.’
‘Gosh, that’s a big thing to do. Are you sure you’ll be OK on your own? Do you need someone to keep you company?’
‘Well, there’ll be other Lonely Hearts Club people there too, all being well, even though this will be the first time in my life that I’ve been away on my own. I’m actually really looking forward to doing some research over the next few days and then I’m going to make it happen. I just hope I don’t lose my confidence. I’m going to make sure we can do what we like when we like, not have to worry about pleasing anyone else. We can go to bed when we like, get up when we like. I’ll be fine, Jo. I need to do this for me. So that I can get to know who I am without him. You’ve inspired me so much.’
‘ Me ? I’m not sure I’ve ever inspired anyone.’
‘You are kidding. You’re amazing. You’ve come to a new part of the world to live, you’ve created The Lonely Hearts Club, with our help, of course.’
‘Of course.’ We both laughed.
‘You’ve raised two clever, bright, confident girls.’
‘Who’ve near on abandoned me.’
‘Ah, Jo. Don’t see it like that. Kids are only yours for a short time. It’s your job as their mother to raise them with enough about them to go and take on the world. And look at them. They certainly do that. In time, they’ll realise how much you’ve done for them and I’m sure they’ll come to see you more often. They’re torn between their father and their mother and that’s hard no matter what age a family splits up.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘And you’ve helped so many people. The club is a huge success. You’ve connected people and taken some who hardly ever left their house, for fear of being lonely, and turned them into go-getters like you.’
‘Me, a go-getter. Again, not a word I would use for myself.’ I laughed.
‘Well, you should take a minute and look at what you’ve done. This house, for instance, you had a dream to bring it back to life and you have. You’ve gone from being lonely and sad to being confident and in charge. You organise the events for that group like an army leader. You’ve made friends in a brand-new part of the world and everyone loves and trusts you. Honestly, Jo, you’re amazing.’
‘Well, thank you, I suppose.’
‘Yeah, just take a compliment when you’re given one, will you?’ She laughed at me.
‘Thank you, Emma.’
‘There you go. Not so hard, was it? Oh, God, I forgot to tell you. I’ve just come from the shop and Mary said I’d just missed Seamus and Al. She was gobsmacked as Al had just disappeared off the face of the earth a couple of years ago and Seamus hadn’t been the same since. Said they were as thick as thieves, mind, like they’d never been apart.’
My heart sank. It just showed me not to build my hopes up. There was me thinking that maybe Seamus and I did have a chance to be together after all and now he’d got back with his ex. It just showed me that I shouldn’t be depending on anyone else in my life. That maybe I needed to take a leaf out of Emma’s book and be comfortable with being alone.
‘I couldn’t have done it without you. And Michelle. And most definitely couldn’t have done the house without Seamus. I don’t know how I can ever thank him.’
She winked.
‘I’m sure you’ll find a way.’
My heart sank at the thought that he and Al were probably now back together and that after my hopes had been raised, they’d been dashed all over again.
However, there was one other thing that I really wanted to do. After reading the emotional letter, I felt that I could offer someone else who might be feeling lonely the gift of friendship.