Chapter 49
49
It was hard not to feel sorry for the woman who sat in front of me. As she was talking, tears streamed down her cheek. Normally, if anyone I knew was in this type of distress, I would go to them. Try to comfort them in any way I could but I just couldn’t do it. My heart had immediately put up barriers and I needed to hear what she had to say.
‘I was just a young girl when I met your father. We were so in love, Joanna. He was my everything.’ She paused before taking a deep breath and continuing. ‘I met him at a party in the late summer of 1971 and asked him boldly, which I absolutely wasn’t, to take me out to supper. He was in the navy and so handsome in his uniform. I knew there was a risk involved in what he did, but he reassured me that he would always be OK. After a whirlwind romance, we’d saved up and were due to marry in early 1972 and in the times that he was home, our life was amazing. When he was away, I pined for him and missed him so much.’
Another pause kept me gripped to the edge of my seat. I had so many questions and was having to try hard not to interrupt.
‘To keep myself occupied, I joined MI5.’
I felt my eyes widen. I was not expecting that.
‘Yes, I am aware of how far-fetched that probably sounds but it’s true. I was approached one day by a woman in the street, who said she’d been observing me for a while. It was strange because I’d only told William the week before that I’d felt a little bit uncomfortable walking home from the cinema with Juney and thought that someone had been following us. I’d been on my guard since then. But anyway, sorry, I digress. This woman approached me and said that MI5 had been watching me for a while and they felt that I could be a huge benefit to them. At the time, I was lost and lonely without my man and I thought that I had nothing to lose so I asked to find out more. She arranged for me to be picked up in a car and taken to a hotel and it was then that I realised the seriousness of what I was doing. But with William being in the navy, I thought it might keep me occupied. They said at first that I would just be doing an administration role. I was told that I had to sign the Official Secrets Act and that I was only allowed to tell one person. As he was in the navy, I chose William, knowing that he would understand. I felt so guilty and alone that I couldn’t share this with Juney though. She was my best friend in the whole wide world and the person who was with me when William was away at sea.’
It suddenly occurred to me that maybe the fact that my father was in the navy was the reason why I felt an innate need to be by the sea. That thought felt like another tiny chip at my heart.
‘Go on.’ Compelled to find out how on earth this story led to the situation we were in today, I wasn’t going to make it easy for her, even though her tears were still flowing, although they had slowed down somewhat.
‘After a while, I was put onto covert surveillance.’
‘What did that involve?’
‘I’d rather not say. I’m sorry but I took a pledge and never told anyone what I did. Not even William. He knew how religiously I abided by the pledge I’d made to my country and I knew he’d understand.’
The biggest intake of breath came from her body, which up close made her look even more small and frail than before.
‘One day I got a call at work telling me that William had been swept overboard in a storm out in the middle of the sea around the Gulf of Mexico. They’d been searching for him all night before they called me but needed to let me know that I had to prepare myself for the worst. His body washed up on shore a week later.’
A sob escaped her body and she closed her eyes, I was sure, living the nightmare all over again.
‘When they did their investigations, it was discovered that someone on board the ship had pushed him over in a fight. They’d found a letter I’d written to him and totally misinterpreted something in it, presuming that I was working for Russia, of all countries. I have blamed myself from that day. That man’s father had been killed in the war by a Russian soldier and something flipped inside him when he read my letter and he took it out on William. That man served fifteen years in prison before he died of a heart attack. When I was given that news, I fainted. And that’s when we found out that I was three months pregnant.’
I blew out air from my mouth, not quite believing how something so good could go so wrong.
‘At that point, I told Juney everything and she was by my side. However, the people I worked for told me that an unmarried mother would bring shame on my family and I was told that it was my fault that he died. If I hadn’t written him that letter, then he would still have been alive. I knew that I shouldn’t have allowed it but they persuaded me that the best thing I could do for my unborn child was to give birth and then hand them straight over to the adoption agency. I was thick with grief and guilt and shame and I allowed it to happen.’
Her eyes reflected mine as they connected and I could see the deep sorrow they held.
‘If I could change the past, I would,’ she whispered.
‘Did you not want me at all, Tessa?’
‘Oh, darling. While you were still growing in my belly, I tried so hard not to think about you. But the minute you were born, I wanted you more than I could ever imagine possible. But by then I was told you were already promised to a wonderful couple who couldn’t have children of their own. Apparently they promised they would allow your middle name to be the same as mine. I was allowed one more day with you and for those twenty-four hours, I held you constantly in my arms and while you fed from my breasts, something else that I had promised them I wouldn’t do, I sang you lullabies and told you all about your wonderful daddy and how much he would have adored you. I stayed up all night because I didn’t want to waste one minute of the very precious time I had with you. The following day they prised you from my arms and my already broken heart was smashed into smithereens. I remember curling up into a little ball and crying myself to sleep. I honestly thought I would die. If it wasn’t for Juney, I was pretty sure I would have given up on life.’
Tears were now streaming down both of our cheeks and I did go to her and sit beside her, taking her hand. This poor woman had been through so much. She smiled at me through her tears and reached out and took my face in her palm.
‘I never thought I’d ever see you again, my angel. It’s beyond my wildest dreams. When you and Michael got married and we realised who you were, it was like a miracle, that you’d come back into my life. This house…’ she raised her hand, ‘belongs to you. When I left MI5, I’d saved up enough money to buy this and I’d already been left the house on the hill by my own parents. So Juney lived here, but it was always going to be yours.’
‘So that’s why she left it to me and not Michael?’ This time it was my turn to smile through my tears. I knew he’d be gutted to know that he didn’t have a claim on it after all.
‘My only hope is that one day you can forgive me for what I did.’
‘I can’t promise you anything right now, Tessa. This is such a lot to process.’
‘I understand, my dear. I’m going to go home and leave you to your thoughts.’
‘Will you be OK, Tessa? Shall I call Seamus and ask him to walk you back?’
She raised her hand back to my face.
‘I feel lighter than I have in years, Joanna. A walk along the beach and back up the hill will do me the world of good. I’ll be fine, honestly.’
As I watched the little old woman, who I now knew as my birth mother, step through the French doors and walk through the dunes away from my home, I had no idea what my emotions were doing. They were completely in turmoil. I sat and wept for the woman who’d lost everyone she’d ever loved, as well as for the woman who had just discovered the story of how she came to exist.