Chapter 49
49
Boathouse Cottage, St Aidan
Home truths and antique road shows
Saturday
P umpkin is safely back in his field, with the addition of one of Tate’s bicycle locks on the gate. I climb the stile, turn to watch him standing and swallow hard.
‘He’s so very precious because he was Mum’s.’ I’ve stayed so detached and calm, but now my emotions flood over me and my voice wavers. ‘I always try to be bright, but sometimes I can’t.’ A tear rolls down my cheek and off my chin, and Miles jumps down next to me by the fence.
‘Losing Pumpkin then finding him again– days don’t come any bigger than this.’ His voice is soft as he slips his arms around me. ‘It’s okay to cry.’
The folds of his shirt are streaked with mud, but I bury my cheek in them all the same. Then as I close my eyes tight and listen to the repeating thud of his heart a reassuring sense of comfort spreads through me.
I shudder. ‘Often when Pumpkin and I are walking along the water's edge on the empty beach it’s like my mum’s there with us. You probably think I’m weird to say that.’
He sighs. ‘Not at all. My mum said the same when she lost my stepfather.’ He pauses for a moment. ‘If I died, I know I’d do my damndest not to leave– to stay close to the people I cared for.’
My cheek is still pressed against his chest. ‘Sometimes, just for a moment, I forget that she’s gone. I wish you’d met her. She was exacting with her partners, but she was so warm and wonderful and caring and creative and alive.’
‘She sounds a lot like you.’
The way his empathy and kindness and warmth seep through me makes me wish I could stay here forever. Wrapped in the lapels of his muddy suit jacket, for the first time since forever I feel safe and calm and whole, and without really thinking I’m speaking.
‘You were right. The other day.’
He’s talking over the top of my head. ‘Keep going.’
‘Things weren’t okay at Scarlett’s wedding. With Mason, it was a lot more than an argument.’ I take a breath. ‘When I went up to the room, he’d been drinking more, and when I wouldn’t have sex with him he threw me against the wall.’
‘Jeez, Betsy.’
‘It came out of nowhere. I wasn’t ready, I fell really hard and smashed my face and hurt my wrist where I put out my hand to break the fall.
‘I was so ashamed. All I could think was how awful it would be for Scarlett if there was a fuss, how catastrophic it would be for their wedding night if anyone heard or knew. How appalled everyone would be to think it had happened, at a wedding reception of all places.’
He’s stroking the top of my head. ‘I’m so sorry, Betsy. It’s unthinkable that we were all there, and no one came to help you.’
‘You knew things weren’t right, didn’t you?’
He sighs. ‘I was worried, I felt something must have been wrong when you left so suddenly.’
‘I’ve never told anyone before. My face swelled up like a balloon. I woke to Mason telling me we needed to leave. At six in the morning I took some painkillers, sneaked to the car with my hoodie over my head, and Mason drove us back to Somerset. My friends at the sanctuary assumed I’d fallen doing the conga and they took me off to A&E.’
‘What an awful thing for you to go through.’
‘The nurses knew, but when I told them that Mason had gone for good they mentioned where to get support and left it at that.
‘To begin with I was in shock. I got home running on adrenalin, then I hid myself away. The longer I kept it secret the harder it became to say anything. Even with my closest friends, I kept opening my mouth to tell them the truth, and then pulling back. And then I was scared they’d judge me. The worst thing was, the more I thought about it, the more I blamed myself. For such a big event, I should have been more careful with my choice of plus one. The more I replayed it in my head, the more it felt as if I’d brought it on myself. That if I’d done things differently it wouldn’t have happened. That it was my fault for making Mason angry.’
Miles is looking down at me, shaking his head. ‘Nothing you did could have made it your fault. It’s always okay to say “no”. Whatever you do, no one ever has the right to hurt you.’
I let out a long sigh. ‘Then I thought, if it came out of nowhere once, it could happen again. But it wasn’t a problem, because I didn’t want to go out. If I ever did go down the local pub, I spent all my time thinking how fast I could leave.’
‘Did you see Mason again?’
I shake my head. ‘Even on the journey home he didn’t acknowledge he’d had any part in it, and I wanted to get back without annoying him so I left it. Later in the week he sent three dozen roses and a get-well-soon card, but he disappeared completely after. A while later I heard he’d gone to Newcastle.
‘I thought once I got the plaster off my wrist, I’d be fine, but it changed who I was. I’ve carried it with me like a weight that’s got heavier and heavier. I didn’t plan to share this, but I already feel better. It’s just a relief that it’s not a secret anymore.’
Miles is rubbing the back my head. ‘Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.’
I’m biting my lip. ‘Thank you for listening.’ I look up at him, my stomach does another somersault, then I look back to my mud-covered clothes. ‘I’m so sorry for the last hour. Why didn’t I look inside?’
‘Truly, there’s nothing to apologise for.’ His eyes are soft as he looks down at me. ‘I’m more than happy with the outcome from all sides.’
I finally take a step backwards. The more I look at Miles, the muddier he is. ‘I suppose we’d better go and hose ourselves down.’
He laughs. ‘If we don’t go soon the mud will dry.’
I laugh too. ‘This’ll be a true test of Scarlett’s outdoor shower.’
After everything we’ve been through, and how generous and selfless Miles has been, once we get to the shower terrace I turn on both shower heads. Then I step under the drench, and call to him through my own personal rainstorm. ‘We have to shower in our clothes, that way they’ll get washed down when we do.’
Miles slides his neatly folded jacket onto the table. ‘If these trousers go under a hot shower they’ll shrink to the size of doll’s clothes.’
I give in. ‘Okay. Take them off so long as you’re wearing boxers.’
He’s hopping round the courtyard, peeling off his socks and kicking them away.
‘If you have any ambitions to become a Chippendale, you’ll have to improve your undressing technique.’ When he picks his mud-covered trousers up by the ankles and lines up the creases I bite back my smile. ‘The Chippendales don’t do “hospital corners” either. They toss their trousers up stage.’
Miles gives me an eye roll, delivers his own to the table, steps into his side of the shower, rubs himself vigorously, then stops to look at me. ‘In the interest of full disclosure, I have to say your four dresses weren’t see through when they were mud-covered, but they are now.’ He pauses to give me a slow smile. ‘In case you want to turn around.’
I don’t move. I simply stare at him. ‘Back at you. Your formerly white cotton shirt is fully transparent, and never swim in those pants, because now they’re soaked they’re completely indecent.’ I take a step towards him and rub his cheek. ‘And your face is covered in soil.’
He rubs his thumb across my chin. ‘Did I mention you’re even more beautiful with wet hair and tide marks?’
How did I ever think I could get under a shower with Miles and not be in big trouble? I bite my lip, stare past his wet lashes into the deepest, darkest brown eyes, and I know it’s time to be honest with him.
‘So, Miles– I haven’t had a drink, but I’m ecstatic we found Pumpkin, and I’m extremely grateful to you for helping and listening to me talking about my darkest times. So I’m not sure how this fits with your conditions, because I’m not asking– I’m telling you. First I’m going to snog your face off and then I’m going to have to lie you down and bonk you senseless. Are you going to be okay with that?’
Miles looks like he’s biting back his smile. ‘That’s definitely something I could work with.’ One eyebrow goes up. ‘But only if you’re sure.’
I grin at him. ‘I’ve never been more certain about anything ever.’ Now that’s out of the way, I’m all about the practicalities. ‘Probably not right here, because that would be disrespectful to Scarlett and Tate…’
Miles lets his full grin go. ‘We might be overthinking this? If they had a pony in their tranquility zone earlier, sex in their shower might matter less.’
I need to cover all bases. ‘And I haven’t slept with anyone for two years, so I might have forgotten how to do it.’
‘Same here.’ Miles laughs. ‘If we’ve both got that much catching up to do, this could be a long night.’
I shake my head. ‘Can you just stop talking and let me kiss you?’
‘Of course. Don’t let me hold you up. I’m ready whenever you are…’
He smiles down at me, and as I move towards him, he stands still and carries on smiling and my heart feels like it’s going to jump out of my chest. Then I graze his lips with my tongue, run my fingers through his hair, and pull his head down so I can reach him. Then my mouth is on his, and when he parts his lips and lets me in, he tastes of coffee and toffee pecans and raspberries and apple crumble. And then he starts to kiss me back. I arch myself against him and as my whole body explodes I’m hit by a tidal wave of need that makes me forget anything else exists.