Chapter 19
At first I just stared. Dual impulses fought around my heart; the urge to fling myself into her arms and be surrounded by the smell of home and the feel of someone stroking my hair and telling me it would be all right warred with the desire to run.
Then the memories crashed in: my mother parroting David’s statements, her urging me to stay at home and not take Tilly out.
I knew she’d fallen for his lies but that she’d half-heartedly tried to protect me by telling me to look after Tilly, as though she’d known what he was planning.
The urge to run won and I fled. Clutching Tilly to me and keeping one hand on the back of her head to press her face into my shoulder, as though a glance from my mother might turn her to stone, I ran.
We jinked our way past the figure in the hall and as I fled out of the door I glanced behind me briefly.
I saw Isobel raising her I am mute sign and my mother beginning to turn the way I was heading, calling my name on a rising tone of hurt.
The birds were a blanket in the sky, crowding out the trees.
They kept up their discordant cries as I pelted down the muddy track between the overgrown bushes and the snatchy branches towards the road.
The sun had gone behind a cloud bank massing on the far horizon and the air felt chill and smelled of torn greenery and stagnant mud.
My car. We only had to reach my car and we were safe.
How my mother had come to be here I couldn’t even begin to imagine.
Isobel? No, she couldn’t speak and had no electricity and besides, she would have no way of finding my parents on that huge continent of Australia. Ross? No, he wouldn’t. Would he?
There was someone standing in the lay-by.
For one moment, blinded by fear and adrenaline, I thought it was David – tall, dark and relaxed in his surroundings – but as I hesitated in my rush, I saw that it was Ross.
He was leaning against my car chewing a nail and looking unperturbed.
There was nothing in the way he stood that indicated he knew why I would be running.
‘Hey there, Libby, I thought you—’
‘Get in the car!’ I unlocked the doors and thrust Tilly into her seat. She complained.
Behind us, deep in the trees, there was a cracking of branches. Someone was coming.
‘Oh? But I—’
‘Get in the car,’ I hissed, tightening Tilly’s straps over her coated figure. I hadn’t even taken her coat off and I always took her coat off in the car. She whinged.
Ross looked at my face and got into the passenger seat. I started the engine and drove off without even doing up my own seat belt, so I had to flail along to get it connected as we headed through the tunnel of trees.
‘What happened?’ he managed to ask at last.
‘My mother was there. At Isobel’s. Waiting for me.’ I bit the words out, looking at him for any sign that he already knew.
‘Oh.’
‘Did you send her there?’ My hands were slipping on the wheel and these woods seemed to go on forever. I wanted to get out into open skies and wide roads with other traffic, anything to stop this feeling that I was being hounded and pursued.
‘What? No, of course I didn’t.’
‘Well, how did she know where I was, then? How did she know where to find me?’ Even my face was sweating. That hadn’t happened since I was in labour.
‘Libby.’ Ross’s voice was steady. ‘You’re panicking.
Your driving is erratic and I’m sure you don’t want anything to happen to Tilly, do you?
Calm down a bit and tell me what happened.
Er, you may want to stop the car to do it,’ he added, wincing as I clipped the kerb and sent globs of mud flying in our wake.
My heart was steadying now. I had no idea what had caused my mother, of all people, to fly from Melbourne to North Yorkshire and to try to intercept me in a falling-down old house.
The whole sequence of events had begun to seem dreamlike or imaginary – had she really been there?
Or had I seen someone who looked like her?
But she had used my name, knew my daughter…
The woods went on. I slowed the car but kept driving; only the concentration was stopping me from throwing up or howling like a dog. ‘Isobel agreed to move out. And then my mother turned up.’
‘Nice precis there. Anything else?’
I thought about the diamonds, about their backstory. None of that was any of Ross’s business and besides, I had the current incursion of my relative to deal with. ‘Somehow my mother knew where I was.’
‘Okay…’ He flashed me a side-look that was full of other questions but he didn’t ask them. ‘So. We’re running from your mother?’
‘Yes. No. She… If she’s here then it’s likely that David is too. They’ve found me and they’re going to try to take my daughter.’ I let the car coast, slower and slower. There was no sign of pursuit of any kind and, again, I began to wonder whether I’d imagined the whole thing.
‘Can you please stop the car?’ Ross put a hand on my wrist. ‘I think you might need to talk about this and I’m not happy about you doing it while you’re driving.
Look, pull in here.’ He waved his other hand at the roadside, where a small lay-by dented itself into the grass verge alongside the trees.
‘Please, Libby,’ he added, in a softer voice. ‘Talk to me.’
I pulled the car in and, trying my best to keep my voice steady, told him about my meeting with Isobel and then the arrival of my mother. It came out very matter-of-fact and I was pleased that I didn’t end up raving about being found again.
‘But why would your mother be in league with your ex?’ Ross had screwed himself around in the passenger seat to face me. Behind us, Tilly was wiggling Brass and humming, seemingly unconcerned, and staring out of the window.
‘I don’t know! I’ve told you, he got to her. She was a bit… odd when I told her I was pregnant, I think it was because she didn’t approve of David, somehow. She and Dad had only met him once, so maybe she thought it was a bit soon for us to be starting a family? I’m not sure.’
All this felt fuzzy. As though I were groping for the memories through a hot wet haze.
Memories were overlaid on memories so that I seemed to have been pregnant and docilely awaiting the birth at the same time as netted with anxiety, pushing in labour and while simultaneously holding my daughter with heart-clutching terror.
‘Tilly didn’t sleep well and so I was always a bit…
It was hard to focus. Mum said something about coming in a couple of months, when she knew whether she would be needed, so she could meet Tilly properly…
’ Now, the memories wouldn’t come. Where recent memories ran as though on greased rails – this led to this, which led to this – those early days were lost in random recollections.
The smell of baby shampoo. The feel of disposable nappies in the packet.
Waking suddenly from deep sleep and having to force my body to move, to act.
‘So you haven’t spoken to your mother since you left David?’ Ross’s eyes were fixed on my face. They were very brown, I noticed, the same dark shade as his hair. Then I wondered why I was noticing this, in the midst of the fear and the stress. I shouldn’t be noticing.
‘No. The last time we spoke… the last time…’ It was so hard to pin any of this stuff down. ‘I told her that David was having me followed.’
‘And what did she say to that?’
I struggled through all the associated memory, which felt piled up: recollections on top of dreams, heaped up on the tottering structures of random thoughts.
‘It… She said… It was something like David was worried about me. But she sounded scared. Then I knew that he’d got to her.
He’d been telling her lies about me, and I couldn’t trust her because I knew how plausible he could be.
So she wasn’t my safe space any more, she was on his side, even if she didn’t really want to be.
’ I slumped forward, putting my head on the steering wheel. ‘Ross, what am I going to do?’
He slipped an arm around my shoulders as I lay there, a brief moment of comfort. ‘I can’t save you, Libby,’ he said slowly. ‘I’m sorry. A few years ago I would have been taking you home and tucking you up in my place, hiding you from whoever was chasing you.’
I turned my head so I could see him out of one eye. ‘Well, thanks for that,’ I said with a note of sarcasm borrowed from the little bit of strength I had left. ‘Although I’ve seen your place and I’m not sure you could hide more than a couple of rabbits there.’
‘Aware of that, yes. But I just meant…’ The arm that partly encircled me gave a little squeeze.
‘I’ve learned that rescuing people doesn’t help them.
Not ultimately. It just gives them something else to lean on and makes me the disposable one.
As soon as they can see a way out, then they’re gone and I don’t feature anywhere.
I’ll do what I can for you, but I can’t save you, because I don’t want to be the one that gets left behind.
’ I saw him twist more towards me and bend a little, as though he suspected that Tilly might be taking notes.
‘Not with you. I want to be the one who stays this time.’ He almost whispered those words.
I half straightened in my seat and Ross’s arm fell back onto his lap.
There was an expression of resolute determination on his face, although he was chewing his lip again.
His eyes were kind but his jaw was set. ‘If we’re going to have anything, Libby, you need to save yourself,’ he said, his voice still low.
‘It wouldn’t be any good for either of us if it was any different. ’