Chapter 7 #2
Alex shook her head. ‘I can’t take that step with you. If we agree there’s going to be more kisses, more sex in the future, dates, holding hands, being together, then I will very quickly fall head over heels in love with you.’ As if she wasn’t already there. ‘And what will happen then?’
‘I don’t know, marriage, babies, happy ever after,’ Quinn said.
‘No, I don’t want that, especially not with you. It would hurt too much to lose you.’
‘Why would you lose me?’
‘Liam promised me a happy ever after. Then he found that alcohol made him far happier than I ever could. He chose whisky over me and his daughter.’
‘I’m not Liam.’
‘I know, but you can’t promise me forever either.’
He let out a sigh. ‘So you want just one night of great, no-strings-attached sex?’
‘I just thought if we had one night it would get rid of all this… sexual tension from that kiss and we could go back to being friends again.’
‘You think making love to you will cure me of you?’
‘I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting any of this,’ she said hesitantly.
‘I wasn’t expecting you to offer to kiss me, I wasn’t expecting it to be the best damn kiss I’ve ever had, I wasn’t expecting that, afterwards, all I’d be able to think about was your hands and mouth on my body and how much I wanted, no needed, you to do that again, and the very last thing I was expecting was for you to enjoy it so much that you’d want something serious with me.
I didn’t realise you had feelings for me too. ’
‘Too? That wasn’t just a kiss that turned a bit passionate? That was… something for you as well? How long have you had feelings for me?’
‘A while, a few years.’
His eyes widened. ‘Years? Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘Because when I tried to kiss you before, you stopped me. I wasn’t going to make a fool of myself again. I had no idea you felt anything for me.’
‘I stopped you because you were crying and emotional. It didn’t seem right to take advantage of that. You were grieving my brother, that was not the right time to kiss you.’
‘But I wasn’t grieving him. I grieved the loss of him and our marriage months before he died, probably even a year before.
I was crying because I felt so guilty, because every time I saw Violet or Henry they would sob buckets over their son.
Every time they would look at Zara they would cry that their son would never see her grow up.
And I just felt like the worst person in the world because every time I saw you I would fall for you a little bit more.
My heart had already moved on and I felt like scum for that.
While Violet, Henry and you were still grieving, I had the hots for my husband’s brother. ’
Quinn stared at her with wide eyes.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what you must think of me,’ Alex said.
‘I think you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met and I’ve thought that almost from the first time we met. So I had to live with the guilt of betraying my brother too and of falling for my brother’s wife at his funeral.’
They stared at each other. He reached for her hand and she let him take it, her heart soaring as he stroked her hand with his thumb. She wanted to take this step so much but she just couldn’t do it.
‘But don’t you see that’s why we can’t do a proper relationship,’ she said. ‘You are everything to me. It would destroy me if I lost you too.’
‘I know how bad it was living with Liam, I saw him at his worst,’ he said sombrely.
‘I get that you’re scared but I will never ever hurt you in that way.
I will always choose you and Zara, always.
Love is scary but sometimes you just have to take a risk because what’s the alternative?
Spend the rest of your life alone because you’re too scared to let yourself love again?
Or date or marry someone you have no feelings for so the risk of pain is less? ’
‘Maybe I’m just not ready.’
‘It’s been four years, as you reminded me today. But at least you know now why I was so upset about you dating again. I wanted you for myself.’
Alex’s heart was banging so loud she was sure he must be able to hear it. This was what she’d wanted for years, not just the kiss but him, all in. She’d dreamed about it. And now it was being offered she was too scared to take it.
She took a step back. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I don’t want to hurt you.’
‘You’re not going to hurt me. You’ve just told me that you have feelings for me, I’m over the bloody moon.
Look, I have waited years for you because I thought you needed time to get over my brother, and in some ways that is true, just not in the way I thought.
So I can wait as long as you need for those scars to heal.
But I can’t do something casual with you. It will never be casual with you.’
They stared at each other, regret and sadness warring in his eyes. She felt the same. What was she doing, why was she saying no to this? But her heart had been damaged so badly by Liam and she wasn’t ready to hand it over to someone else.
‘I’ll walk you back,’ Quinn said.
Oh god, this was it, it was over. She swallowed down the pain in her heart. ‘That’s not necessary.’
‘It absolutely is.’
He grabbed his coat and opened the door.
She stepped outside into the cold and he followed her, closing the door behind him.
He took her hand and they walked the short distance back to her house in absolute silence.
They reached her front door and she couldn’t help feeling like she’d ruined everything and, to make matters worse, she’d hurt him, despite him saying she hadn’t.
‘You should go on this date with Pip tomorrow,’ Quinn said.
She stared at him. ‘What, why?’
‘Because I can’t give you what you want. Maybe someone else can.’
‘But I don’t want anyone else but you.’
‘You don’t want me either, unless it’s for no-strings-attached sex and I can’t give you that. Maybe you need to date other men to help you decide what you really want. I think what we would have together would be beautiful and special and rare and if you want that, I’ll be waiting.’
Alex opened her mouth to protest but he bent his head and kissed her, sweetly and gently so her whole heart melted.
He pulled back and kissed her on the forehead. ‘Goodnight, beautiful.’
With that he walked away and she felt her heart breaking at her complete stupidity. She walked back inside her house.
Immy was standing in the kitchen making herself a hot chocolate.
‘Hey, do you want one?’ Immy asked, without looking up.
‘Yes please. Is Zara OK?’ Alex said, feeling numb.
‘Yes, fast asleep.’ Immy turned around to look at her and her face fell. ‘What’s happened?’
Alex flopped down into a chair at the dining table and told Immy everything that had happened that day: all the way from how Quinn had reacted to her wanting to date, to the kiss and the stupid conversation she’d just had with him.
Immy slid into the seat opposite her staring at her in horror.
‘So let me get this straight. You’ve had the hottest kiss of your life with the man you’ve been in love with for pretty much four years, he’s told you he has feelings for you and wants a proper relationship with you and you don’t want that?’
‘I do but it’s scary and I’m not ready for that yet.’
Immy took a long drink of her hot chocolate as she thought.
‘Honey, what Liam did to you has left some horrible scars. He betrayed your love and trust every single day when he chose the bottle over you. Even though he loved you, married you, had a child with you, he showed you that love was worthless every time he opened his mouth and was vile to you,’ Immy said bitterly.
She took another sip of her drink. ‘It will take some time to build up that trust to believe in forever with someone again. I get that you’re cautious.
But this is Quinn. The man would walk through fire for you.
He has shown up every single day for you and Zara ever since Liam’s funeral.
He has held you when you’ve cried. He is here every morning to take Zara to school.
And clearly he’s not just doing that for sex as he’s just turned down a night of passion with you. He wants forever.’
‘I know, I’m an idiot,’ Alex wailed. ‘He is a wonderful man but it’s like I’ve built a wall around me and I can’t get past it. I’m too scared to take that step.’
‘Those scars are going to take time to heal, I get that, but that really isn’t something you can do alone.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You could wait ten years and the first time you have a proper relationship with someone, you’d still be scared,’ Immy explained.
‘The other person, whether that’s Quinn or someone else, is the person who will heal those scars, by proving every day they aren’t going to hurt you, that you can trust them.
What’s that old Ernest Hemingway quote? “The best way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them.”’
‘You’re right, I can only get rid of my fears of being in a relationship by actually being in one,’ Alex admitted.
‘But being with Quinn won’t be a normal relationship where feelings build up slowly, it’ll be something serious and big and life-changing from the word go.
The stakes are too high. I don’t want to lose him. ’
Immy nodded. ‘Is part of this fear your worry about how he will react once he finds out what happened the night Liam died?’
‘That’s part of it too. He will hate me.’
‘He won’t, he will understand. But if you get involved with him then the sooner you tell him the better and then you can finally put that skeleton to bed.’
Alex sighed. Immy was right, about all of it. But it still didn’t make it easier to act on it.
‘Quinn thinks I need to go on this date with Pip tomorrow.’
‘The nice one you’ve been chatting to?’
Alex nodded.
‘I think you should too.’
‘You just told me I should trust Quinn and go for it, or words to that effect. You even quoted Hemingway.’
‘But I think you’re right, it will be something big if you go out with Quinn.
How could it not be? You’ve practically been dating for the last four years anyway, without the kissing and the sex.
He’s round here every day, you work alongside each other, you go on days out and holidays as a family.
You two hug. He comes round here three or four nights a week to hang out with you and Zara.
And you’re in love with him. If you went out with him now, you’d probably be engaged by Christmas.
And maybe you’re not ready for something so life-changing.
Maybe you need something a bit more low-key first. If nothing else dating Pip tomorrow might give you some perspective of what you really want.
Maybe what you need right now is a nice date, with some flirting, not a marriage proposal. ’
‘Quinn didn’t propose.’
‘No, but he said he wanted something serious.’
‘I’m not using Pip to get myself ready for Quinn, that’s not fair.’
‘I’m not suggesting you do,’ Immy replied. ‘You might like Pip and decide to give things a go.’
‘I don’t want that either. I only want to be with Quinn.’
‘Then be with Quinn.’
‘Is this some dumbass reverse psychology?’ Alex said.
‘No, I’m too tired for that. You told Quinn you wanted something casual, but you can’t have that with Quinn. So you either decide to go big with Quinn, have something casual with someone else or have nobody for the rest of your life.’
‘Harsh.’
‘But true.’
Alex shook her head. Her head was such a mess right now and she hated that Liam had had such an effect on her that all these years later she couldn’t even fall in love like a normal person. He had broken her but could his brother really be the one to put her back together again?