Chapter 38
And with that commenced the strangest holiday Estella had ever experienced in her life.
Had she truly ever had a holiday, come to think of it?
She and Mike could never go overseas because of their combined criminal histories, but he’d loved taking her to various luxury beach resorts around Australia, showing off his golden-tanned wife in a bikini.
Those weeks were always work, as far as Estella was concerned, always on her guard, always trying to keep the peace.
She’d never felt anything like this. Going to sleep in a neat double bed, Ellie tucked chastely into her arms as if they were some old married couple.
Waking up to the scent of coffee, sipping it out on the porch as the sky heated up, the whole world smelling like fresh earth and eucalyptus leaves.
Harry and Hugo cooking up boundless breakfasts with eggs fresh from the fancy chicken coop, two older men epically in love.
Prisha came and went, ostensibly to check in on Ellie’s recovery though Estella suspected her of secretly spying on the situation for Alison, who felt ever-present even without appearing.
Estella and Ellie went for slow walks around Harry’s beautiful garden property and later, as Ellie’s headaches lessened, out through the forest. Ellie excitedly exclaimed over kangaroos nibbling on the verges, a lone koala high up in the trees, and once an echidna sticking its beak into the ground with her ferocious spikes out, hoping she couldn’t be seen.
Estella felt a pang of solidarity she’d rather not admit to.
She and Ellie somehow kept making out — Estella couldn’t seem to help it — the almost innocent joy of Ellie’s mouth, the taste of her kiss, the way she kept smiling against Estella’s mouth.
It wasn’t real life, Estella knew that, just one golden moment of escape to a wild, beautiful, imaginary world where she wasn’t Estella Grant anymore and Ellie belonged in her arms.
She was secretly grateful for Florence’s confident assurance that Estella staying out of Melbourne while she ran around putting out the increasing fires and moving pieces into place was the best possible plan.
It meant Estella didn’t have to admit, out loud, that at this epic moment, rushing toward the pinnacle of her life’s work, the only thought in her brain was Ellie.
They were playing with fire here, and she knew it.
Perhaps it was Ellie’s injuries that gave them the perception of safety, thinly veiled though it was.
Instead of all-consuming hungry sex, they were careful with each other — long slow kisses, their fingers soft and exploratory, never stoking the flames or stroking anywhere dangerous — because Ellie was still recovering and Estella was far too cautious of her.
It didn’t stop Estella from smouldering with desire, lying awake at night remembering the hot relief of Ellie’s soft mouth burning between her thighs, trying to hold back the tension building in her body every time Ellie sighed beneath her kiss.
It felt like they were teenagers — the kind Estella had never been — fooling around, enhanced maybe by the fact that while she was trying to be careful of Ellie, it was also good cover for how nervous she was.
She remembered that aching night between them, the power she’d craved, wanting to push Ellie down and win, sex like a battle of wills, Estella determined to be the vanquisher.
It had been blisteringly hot sex, and yet Estella couldn’t imagine having Ellie that way now that this excruciating truthful tenderness had grown between them.
Estella both burned for her and was quietly relieved she could do nothing with all her escalating desire.
The idea of sex between them now was… out of the question. Unsurvivable, Estella was pretty sure.
Ellie didn’t seem to feel that way though.
They’d been in Gold Hill for five days, Ellie waking stronger every morning.
Prisha had pronounced it just a mild concussion and some bruising, to Estella’s massive relief.
The idea of Ellie’s pretty head being harmed at all crushed her with both guilt and fury, but she reassured herself — silently — that vengeance was coming.
As for Ellie, she admitted to being a little tired and a little achey but otherwise fine.
Estella couldn’t bring herself to fully believe her; she knew that Ellie was trying to spare her from responsibility.
You didn’t do this to me, Estella, she’d said over and over again.
It’s not your fault. Estella knew she couldn’t accept that version of events.
They dumped you on my fucking doorstep, Ellie, I think we can categorically say that they hurt you to get at me.
“It doesn’t help, you know,” Ellie told her, one warm afternoon, as they made their way back into Harry’s beautiful cottage. “You walking around with this storm cloud in your eyes. It only makes me worry what you might do.”
“For god’s sake, Ellie! If I knew exactly who did this to you, I’d rain hell down on their heads.
” Estella made this perfectly clear, even as she followed Ellie through the front door.
“It’s almost certainly the Florellis, but they’re usually thrilled to take credit for their work.
And since you can’t — or won’t — say for sure, then I promise you, I’m not doing anything other than keeping you safe right now. ”
“Keeping me safe.” Ellie turned to her in the middle of the living room, her voice getting soft. “Jesus, Estella.” Her eyes had gotten very big, her lips parting.
“What?” She couldn’t understand why Ellie was looking at her that way, but it made her stomach clench tight to see the heat in her eyes, in the quiet solitude of this pretty country cottage.
“You just say these things, so casually, like you don’t know how it sounds out of your mouth.”
“How does it sound?”
“Like you’re the most dangerous woman in this city,” Ellie said simply. She didn’t look scared; she looked electrified. “Like you think I’m yours to protect.”
She turned, and walked down the hall to the room they were sharing, and Estella’s heart was pounding furiously in her ears as she followed her in.
She closed the door behind them, watching Ellie like she was prey.
It was there in the air between them, a tension so thick she could just about taste it.
“You are mine to protect,” Estella told her, defiantly.
She’d fight Ellie on this all day and night: in this new dangerous world that Ellie Graham had foolishly stumbled into, she was Estella’s responsibility.
Her words died on her lips as Ellie drew in a shaky breath, her teeth sinking into her plump lower lip. She looked very distracted.
“Why does that turn me on so much?” she whispered. Her hands were shaking. “It shouldn’t. I shouldn’t like that you’re dangerous.”
I’m not, Estella wanted to say. Not to you.
She knew it was a lie. Ellie’s bruises only proved it.
She tried instead not to respond outwardly to Ellie talking about being turned on because that was dangerous.
Ellie’s breathing had sped up, her throat getting a little flushed.
Estella couldn’t stop herself from all but devouring her with her gaze and god she needed to look away.
“Don’t,” Ellie said softly. “I want you to look at me.”
Estella groaned a little in her throat. “I’m trying to hold it together.” The crackle of desire in her voice couldn’t be hidden as she met Ellie’s eyes, saw the want reflected back there.
“Why?”
“Why? You’re injured.”
“I’m fine,” Ellie said instantly. “You heard Prisha. Medically cleared.”
“I’m not— we can’t—” Estella felt the rug get pulled out from under her at this last little protection being stripped away.
“You won’t hurt me.”
“What if I do?”
“What if I want you to?” Ellie’s tongue darted out to wet her lip and Estella’s breath sucked in sharply. “What if I don’t want you to be careful with me? What if I want you exactly as you are?”
“And how’s that?” Estella felt lightheaded, her skin getting hot.
“Someone who takes what she wants. Who doesn’t ask permission. Who’s rough, and beautiful, tender and fierce and only makes me come when I’ve earned it.”
Estella’s knees got weak. Ellie was flushed, her lips parted, her gaze perfectly certain.
“What are you asking me for?” Estella whispered.
“Stop tiptoeing around me and take what you want,” Ellie said fiercely and Estella felt the permission set something free, tugging loose inside her chest. Her hand shot out for Ellie, her hand in her silky hair, grasping it as she pulled her in for a kiss.
It wasn’t the soft, careful, longing kisses they’d been trading, instead almost bruising in its force.
She couldn’t stop. Ellie sucked in a sharp breath and Estella stole it from her, licking hard into her parted lips, dying for a taste of her.
Ellie moaned out loud, so Estella kissed her harder.
“Clothes off.” Her voice came out like a snarl, her desperation overtaking her, getting sharply worse as Ellie obeyed instantly.
Estella could almost taste her, watching as Ellie tugged her t-shirt up over her head, exposing her pale skin, unclipping her bra, full breasts spilling, unzipping those small shorts Estella had kept staring at, slipping out of her underwear.
“Estella,” she whimpered, as Estella stood frozen staring at her. Her beauty. Her bruises. She was so vulnerable Estella could cry, and so alive and pretty, Estella wanted to devour her. “Please, please touch me—”