Chapter 24
Tilly rested for several days, doing very little.
She didn’t realise how much she needed to recuperate.
So long as she kept going, her body just responded automatically to whatever was demanded of it.
Now those demands were removed, there was nothing stopping her from allowing herself to relax.
But although her body responded to rest, her mind raced.
She tried to turn off the images that kept replaying through her mind, but the picture of the intern who’d hung upside down in order to rescue the soldier trapped under the tank, and the spilt guts of the soldier she’d left behind, could not be erased.
She wondered where Jed was now. Amelia had explained that he had delivered her message and then returned to the mainland to catch a train to London.
‘He was told to report to the Fourth London General Hospital in Denmark Hill. They have a need for more surgeons, he said. He didn’t know how long he would be stationed there,’ Amelia explained.
Once Dot had revealed the heavy burden she was carrying, Tilly felt relieved that she had declared her grief but that did not make things any easier at the School House.
The dark cloud that had settled over the three women was ever present.
Tilly informed the QARANC of her escape and waited to hear from the organisation about her next posting.
She hoped they would take their time in contacting her.
Day-to-day life formed a continuous cycle.
Morning routines followed by the regime of the school day gave a structure to their lives and enabled Dot to function, even if sometimes on a superficial level.
The demands of the children took over and Dot gave the impression of being absorbed in her work, although Tilly believed this to be a front to disguise the depth of her feeling and the huge sense of loss that governed her every waking hour.
Tilly felt helpless in the wake of such a powerful force and busied herself doing as much as she could around the house.
She even volunteered to help in the classroom, listening to children reading, preparing art materials and assisting with PE and games, which she had to admit she really enjoyed.
She didn’t think she was at all inclined towards teaching as she didn’t feel any particular affinity towards young children, but she found herself getting quite excited when playing a game of netball or football.
Witnessing a child beginning to discover the joy of books gave her a little buzz as she helped those who stumbled over words gain in confidence.
At the end of one school day, Tilly was preparing dinner and noticed that Dot had not appeared from the classroom. She turned down the oven and went in search of her. Amelia was outside in the garden and Tilly called from the kitchen door. ‘Is Dot out there with you, Amelia?’
‘No, she must be marking books,’ Amelia replied.
Tilly made her way across the schoolyard to Dot’s classroom. She opened the door and saw Dot, as Amelia had predicted, at her desk. She was facing away, looking out of the window onto the fields beyond. She didn’t turn as Tilly entered the room.
‘Dinner is almost ready, Dot,’ Tilly said.
There was no reply.
Till moved to stand at Dot’s shoulder and placed a hand gently on her back.
‘Dot?’ Tilly said. ‘Are you all right?’
Dot turned to look at her sister and Tilly could see that her eyes were full of tears.
She had obviously been crying for some time.
Her hand, tightly gripping a pen, was poised over a child’s exercise book.
She had started writing a comment and the ink had trailed off in a line down the page.
Her tears had made watermarks on the paper and had smudged the writing.
Tilly took the pen gently from her and replaced it beside the inkwell.
‘Come on, Dot,’ she said, lifting her under the elbow. ‘Time to go and get something to eat.’
Dot didn’t respond, but continued to gaze ahead of her.
With some more encouragement, Dot finally got onto her feet and accompanied Tilly across the playground and into the kitchen. She helped Dot to sit at the table and then went outside to talk to Amelia.
‘I think you should come inside and see Dot,’ Tilly said. ‘I’m worried about her. She was just sitting at her desk staring at nothing. She’s come into the house, but I can’t get her to say anything at all.’
Amelia put down her gardening tools and the two women went into the kitchen. Dot was still sitting where Tilly had left her. Amelia sat down opposite Dot.
‘You must be hungry, Dot,’ Amelia said. ‘It’s been a long day. Good thing it’s Friday and we have the weekend ahead. What would you like to do?’
Dot looked at Amelia, but didn’t reply. There was a blankness in her expression.
Amelia and Tilly exchanged glances.
‘I’m going to dish the dinner,’ Tilly said. ‘Do you want to wash first?’
Still no response from Dot.
‘Let’s go together,’ Amelia said. ‘I’ve managed to get an awful lot of dirt under my fingernails. Did you get all your marking done?’
Dot remained silent; she didn’t even nod or shake her head.
They washed their hands and sat down to eat their meal together, but Dot only picked at hers. Eventually she pushed the plate to one side and stood up. She moved towards the staircase.
‘Going for a lie-down?’ Amelia asked.
Dot turned and gave Amelia a weak smile. There was no heart in her effort to communicate.
As soon as she had left the room, Tilly and Amelia sat looking at each other, neither of them entirely sure of what they had just witnessed or what to say.
‘I’m worried about her. Do you think we should call the doctor?’ Tilly asked.
‘I’m not sure what to do,’ Amelia confessed. ‘She’s not unwell as such. I’ve been expecting her to collapse under the strain of everything that’s happened, but she seemed to be coping as well as anyone can under the circumstances.’
‘I think she’s been holding on to her grief,’ Tilly said. ‘She’s not really let herself show her emotions. I think that she’s been holding back for the sake of the children.’
‘What could the doctor do to help? The medical services are so over-stretched at the moment. You must have seen many cases of mental disturbance in France, Tilly. Do you think the doctor would be able to suggest anything to help her? It’s normal for people to grieve.
That is what she is going through. We need to help her as much as we can. ’
‘There is so little known about the mind, Amelia. The medical profession is learning all the time about diseases, but disturbances of the mind are so under-researched and right now, in the middle of a war, there are thousands of men out there needing help with shell shock,’ Tilly replied.
‘So, what shall we do? What are you saying? That there is nothing we can do?’ Amelia asked.
‘I’m not for one minute suggesting that we give up on her,’ Tilly said. ‘I’m just saying that the doctor may not have the answers. Perhaps the best thing we can do at the moment is give her time to recover. Give her a break from teaching. It’s all been too much for her.’
‘I’m not sure that spending hours by herself is going to help. I thought the job was providing a distraction for her, that the children would take her mind off things,’ Amelia said. ‘That’s why we agreed she should stay on.’
‘It has to a degree,’ Tilly replied. ‘But I think that she’s not coping now.’
‘All right. I’ll ask a young trainee teacher I know to replace her right away. I’m sure she won’t mind.’
‘What Dot needs is the healing powers of the countryside,’ Tilly said. ‘She needs fresh air and family. She needs to return to Micklewell. Kate and Sarah will be the best people to look after her.’
* * *
Tilly and Dot arrived at 2 Mead Cottages unannounced.
Dot was completely exhausted from the journey and looking quite pale.
The decision had been made not to wait for letters to go back and forth, but to get Dot off the island and back to Micklewell as soon as possible.
The house was a hive of activity. Kate and Sarah had their sewing spread out across the kitchen table and the black-and-gold Singer sewing machine was trilling away with a happy tune as they pushed open the kitchen door.
Tilly and Dot stepped inside and picked their way carefully across the floor, which was adorned with reams of carefully folded cloth in rainbow colours and busy patterns, sewing baskets and boxes loaded with useful sewing equipment like tape measures, scissors and fasteners.
Dot stood immobile behind her. The two seamstresses turned their heads in unison and jumped to their feet.
‘Tilly, Dot, what a surprise!’ Kate said, her eyes wide with curiosity. ‘What a joy to see you both. Please, please come in. You look tired out, Dot.’
‘I’ll get some water,’ Sarah said, rushing to the sink.
‘We didn’t know when we were going to see you, Tilly.
We heard from Ronnie about your lucky escapes.
We were so relieved that you got home safe and sound.
He told us how you met on the train. What are the chances, eh?
But we have to make the most of your time.
They’ll send you back, won’t they? You and Ronnie are too important. Your skills are needed.’
Tilly looked straight at Kate, the message in her expression clear.
‘We decided just to come. It was a last-minute decision, seemed like the right thing to do, didn’t it, Dot? Before I have to go back. Dot needed the break. She hasn’t been in the best of health,’ Tilly replied.
‘Yes, you do look pale, Dot,’ Kate said.
She moved past Tilly, casting a worried look in her direction before taking Dot in her arms and holding her close.
‘We were so sorry to hear about William,’ Kate whispered in Dot’s ear, her hands searching Dot’s back and touching her frail shoulders.
Dot hung on to Kate and let the trembling subside before she drew away.
It was as if the tears had dried up and had nowhere else to go but to seep deep inside her, filling her until no words would come.
‘Come and sit down. I’ll put the kettle on,’ Sarah said, moving a part-finished green-and-blue-striped dress that was draped over a chair. ‘There’s some cold meat pie left over from last night. Would you like a slice?’ she asked.
‘That would be nice,’ Tilly replied. ‘It’s been a long time since breakfast.’
When the tea was poured, Tilly ate her pie. Dot took one mouthful, but then left the rest.
‘I expect you’re tired after your journey,’ Kate said. ‘Why don’t you go and lie on my bed for a while, Dot?’
Dot nodded and made her way, wearily, up the stairs.
As soon as she was out of earshot, Sarah busied herself with clearing the crockery, leaving the two sisters to talk about Dot’s situation and her state of mind.
‘As soon as I saw her, I knew that she was in a bad way,’ Kate said.
‘I remember how I felt when I was told about Philip. That feeling like the bottom has dropped out of your world, like a flowing stream is bearing you away and there is nothing you can do about it. You’re sinking, sinking, without trace. ’
The sisters agreed that what Dot needed was time. Grief had no boundaries. Once it lodged itself between your shoulder blades and surged in the bottom of your stomach, there was no knowing when it would surface and when it would subside.
‘Amelia and I decided that she needed complete rest, that’s why we didn’t waste any time, but I’m aware that you are already overcrowded here. How will you find the space?’ Tilly said.
Sarah heard this comment when she re-entered the kitchen from the wash house.
‘We just have to find room,’ Sarah announced. ‘If anyone should go, it should be Anthony and I. Dot needs to be with her family.’
‘We can’t do that,’ Kate replied. ‘Anthony is settled here and I couldn’t possibly cope with the workload now our sewing business is up and running. Besides, there are other considerations.’
‘How about asking around the village? If anyone has a spare room?’ Sarah suggested. ‘That way we wouldn’t be far away, and Anthony could still go to school and I could come here to work.’
‘I suppose I could ask Mary Suss again. She’s a good friend and now her daughters have moved away she has space. I’ll go to see her this afternoon.’