Chapter Twenty-Two
I f she’d wanted Tucker to open up to her, she’d certainly gotten that.
She knew a bit about reading body language and signs of discomfort, so she’d known right away when he’d sat down beside her that it wasn’t as easy for him.
And hearing the story behind that was physically painful for her just as the movement had likely been for him.
Touching him, however, had an entirely different effect on her. And she was suddenly very glad she’d come to this gathering. And from the way he’d looked at her when she’d taken his hand, maybe, just maybe he felt at least a little bit the same. A snap. A spark. Something.
It was enough to make her risk asking something that had occurred to her while reading the profile of him. “Feel free to tell me to shut up, but after I read Lily’s piece about you, I wondered…”
He gave her a sideways look. “Tell a cop to shut up?”
She gave him a mock scowl. “I’m off duty.
Take the chance while you can,” she suggested, pleased when it made him smile.
“I just wondered…in Hollywood, wouldn’t a story like yours be a big deal?
Why haven’t you been all over the place as a success story, overcoming your childhood, all of that?
Why haven’t you had a movie made about you? ”
He looked away, opened the cooler and took out a couple of cans of soda.
He handed her one without a word, then stared out toward the trio in the water.
So, he wasn’t going to tell her to shut up, he just shut down.
That’s what she got for prying, she supposed.
Good thing she usually had better luck prying on duty. Must be the uniform and badge.
Or lately, Lobo, she thought with an inward smile. And then, unexpectedly, and still watching Jeremy and the dogs, he answered her.
“Why am I not cashing in on my pitiful backstory, you mean?”
“I know you wouldn’t do that. Just wondering why nobody there wanted to cash in on it for you.”
“Except for Jackson, nobody there knows. I’ve never told anybody…all of that before. All the stuff about my mother, I mean.”
“Why?” she asked carefully.
He gave a half-shrug. Still not looking at her, he said, “Ashamed of it, I guess.”
She stared at him then. “Why on earth would you be ashamed?”
Another shrug. A full one this time. “I used to think, back then, that if I’d been different…better, she wouldn’t have gone off the rails like that after Dad.”
“What’s your middle name?”
That startled him, and his head snapped around. “What?”
“You heard me.”
His brow furrowed, but he answered. “Jason. After my dad. Why?”
“Because I want this to have all the impact it should. Tucker Jason Culhane, you are out of your freaking mind if you think you could have done any more than you did to try and save her. And that—” she said it sharply when she saw him about to protest “—is not the opinion of a friend, it’s the opinion of a police officer who’s seen a few similar situations.
Enough to say there wasn’t a damned thing you could have done. ”
“But I wouldn’t even talk to her. If I had only taken that last call, then maybe…”
“And if you had, she’d have tried to reel you right back in again. It’s the nature of an addict, Tucker. Keep helping them and you’re enabling them to stay addicted. Until they find the strength to make the break themselves, they’ll suck the life out of anyone around them.”
He was staring at her now, and she saw that his breathing had kicked up a little. Was he angry with her now? Maybe contemplating the drawbacks of punching even an off-duty cop? She went ahead anyway.
“Ever heard of the three C’s?” She took his silence as a no and went on. She held up a hand and raised one finger at a time as she ticked them off. “You didn’t cause it. You couldn’t control it. And you couldn’t cure it.”
She thought she saw something shift in his gaze, as if something had registered. She hoped it had. Somehow it had become very important to her, easing his pain. She’d felt the need before, in her work, but this was different. This was someone she knew. Liked. Could maybe more than like.
But then he turned away, back to watching the splashing show. His jaw was clenched, she could see that. But after a moment, low and a little harsh, she heard him say, “I’ve always wondered if…she drained enough out of my dad that he…that night, if he…”
Her stomach clenched at the pain in his voice. But she was certain he’d never spoken about this either. It must feel like a boil that needed to be lanced, always hurting, always putting pressure on. And so she said what he couldn’t, what she somehow knew he was thinking.
“You wonder if she had him distracted enough that he wasn’t focused, and that led to the shooting that killed him?”
He didn’t answer verbally. He didn’t have to—she could see the answer in his expression, in his very posture as he sat there. So she chose her words very carefully.
“I won’t lie, Tucker. It can happen. Police officers have to deal with some ugly stuff anyway, and often things that require full and total attention.
Most of the time we can compartmentalize enough, but contrary to some opinions, we’re human.
We care. And we take our jobs very seriously, from watching out for kids—” she nodded toward Jeremy, who had apparently decided a full swim was called for, still dressed or not “—to taking down a bad guy, to being as gentle as possible when we have to deliver bad news.”
He looked at her then. “Bad news? Like when they arrived at our door to tell us Dad was dead?”
She nodded. Hesitated, but he’d sounded level enough that she went on. “Death notifications are a dreaded task. We Last Stand cops are luckier than most. The chief, being who he is, most of the time takes the onerous duty upon himself unless circumstances warrant otherwise.”
“But you’ve had to do it?”
“Twice. Not had to, but volunteered. Once on a fatal traffic accident, because I knew one of the victim’s family members.
And once…” She had to stop to swallow because her throat had tightened.
She didn’t talk about this, but somehow felt compelled to now, because he’d shard with her.
“Once I was a witness to a suicide, arriving on the scene a couple of seconds before the subject pulled the trigger on the revolver he had to his temple.” She swallowed again.
“I got there just in time to hear his last words. That was what I wanted to deliver, intact and not blurred by time and filters, to his wife.”
He was silent for a long moment before saying, sounding like his throat had been as tight as her own, “That was good of you. But you’re a good person, aren’t you.”
She liked that he didn’t say that like it was a question, but rather an observation of a fact.
“I try.”
“You succeed.” He nodded toward the water again, and his nephew by choice. “Jeremy has every reason not to like cops, because they delivered the news about his mother. But he liked you, right off.”
“That,” she said with a smile, “is most likely because of my four-footed partner there.”
For the first time since this discussion had started she saw a very slight smile lift one corner of his mouth. “Maybe.”
They lapsed into silence then, and Emily wondered if he was exhausted from all the emotional outpouring.
Wondered if he would have told her any of this at all, if Lily hadn’t opened some of those long-locked doors.
All she knew for sure was that she felt a strange combination of moved and proud that he’d trusted her with these further peeks into the heart of him.
She didn’t know what that feeling meant, but she couldn’t deny it was there.
But before she could dwell on it, which was probably just as well, they had a wet child and two very wet dogs to deal with.
But all three were so happy it wasn’t a chore but a delight.
She rubbed the towel Tucker had tossed to her over the black dog while Jeremy tended to Maverick and Tucker ran another towel over the boy’s wet hair.
“Thank you, Mr. Thorpe and Mr. Maverick, for showing Lobo such a good time,” she said, making the boy laugh. Both doggie tails were wagging madly, and she was grateful the shepherd hadn’t forgotten how to play. Or maybe had relearned, once he’d been safe with Chance Rafferty.
Tucker gave the boy one last swipe with the towel before asking teasingly, “You going to change clothes when we get back, or just run around until you dry off in this heat?”
“I’m keepin’ the wet stuff on,” Jeremy announced. “It’s cooler.”
“Excellent point,” Emily said, and the boy grinned at her officious tone.
Tucker gave her a quick look and another one of those smiles that made her pulse kick. “Let’s load up and get back, then. Before all the food’s gone.”
Jeremy’s eyes widened. “Yeah! I’m hungry.”
And as they did just that, Emily wondered where the strange feeling she was having was coming from. It had to be that she was with a man she liked, admired, and was attracted to, a boy she was quickly coming to adore in the back seat, along with a couple of wonderful dogs.
As they headed back toward the party, she realized what she was feeling was what it would be like to have a family of her own.