Chapter 9
Paige
THIS WAS PROBABLY a bad idea. Maybe even a terrible one.
But this conversation had to happen, otherwise she would never sleep again.
And after over a week of struggling to close her eyes without remembering the way Leland kissed her then ran out of the bar without saying goodbye, she was ready to drop.
To be fair, part of her had initially been relieved Leland left not long after their altercation with Carlton.
She assumed it would give her the night to figure out what happened now.
But then the days stretched out with no sign of Leland in the bar and nothing but an occasional text with an image of the sunrise or a picture of his horse.
The more time she had to pick apart and dissect what happened between them, the more she started realizing it couldn’t simply be brushed under the rug like so many other things had been.
No amount of time would temper the memory.
If anything, it was only making shit worse.
She couldn’t keep pretending, no matter how much she wanted to. After years of juggling her true feelings for Leland and her overwhelming desire to keep him in any capacity, the ball had finally dropped.
And that fucker rolled so far out of reach she didn’t even know where it was anymore.
Pulling in a lungful of the cool morning air, she forced her finger to jab at the doorbell fixed to the trim of Leland’s front door, her heart skipping a beat as the sound of it echoed inside.
Normally, she would’ve let herself in. They each had keys to the other’s house. But normal was gone. Swiped away permanently by the warm press of Leland’s mouth against hers.
Paige focused on breathing as she waited for him to come to the door. It took way more effort than it should have to draw each inhale at a slow and steady pace, but hyperventilating would do her no good. She’d just pass out, and Leland would freak out when he found her collapsed on his welcome mat.
Because he did love her. She didn’t doubt it for a second. The problem was, he might not love her the way she loved him. If the past week was any indication, she was the only one with big feelings trying to suffocate her.
Not blacking out was requiring so much focus, that when the front door swung inward, she jumped, gasping in surprise. Not only at the sudden action, but at the sight of the man she’d come here to talk with.
Leland looked as rough as she felt. His hair was messy. His eyes were creased and a little bloodshot. His normally clean-shaven jaw was covered with stubble, and his skin looked a little paler than normal.
But very little of that registered because he was also just wearing his underwear. And now that she’d broken the seal on not knowing anything about his dick, her eyeballs couldn’t seem to find anything besides it.
“Paige.” He scrubbed one hand along the back of his neck. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”
She shifted on her feet, already feeling awkward and terrified and uncomfortable. “Everything’s okay. Umm.” She forced her eyes up, locking them to the overhang above her head. “I just thought we should talk.”
The second the words were out, she already regretted them. Already wished she could take them back. Maybe if she’d just stayed away from him a few more days, they both could have forgotten?—
“You’re right.” Leland stepped back, his back bracing the door. “Come in. I’ll make you some coffee and breakfast.”
She walked inside, smoothing down the hair she’d spent way too much time styling this morning in an attempt to hide how little she’d been sleeping. “You don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”
Leland angled a brow at her. “Did you already eat?”
She chewed her lower lip. “No.”
It was a blanket answer. Honestly, she couldn’t remember the last time she ate. It was definitely the previous day, but which meal was it? Probably not dinner. Not unless a few olives, two Luxardo cherries, and a handful of spicy bar mix counted.
And Leland definitely would not count it.
“Then I’m making you breakfast.” One hand came to rest along her back, the warm width of it making her spine stiffen as she tried to stop herself from leaning into his palm.
It would be so easy. So natural. But considering the man had been avoiding her like the plague, could also be so unwanted. And that possibility had her stomach churning.
She let Leland urge her through his home, taking her past his sparsely furnished living room, the mostly empty dining room, and into a kitchen most would describe as a little utilitarian.
She’d been in his house hundreds of times, but looking at it now made her a little sad at how empty it was. It wasn’t that his house wasn’t nice—it was—it just didn’t feel homey. Cozy. It wasn’t the sort of place someone like him deserved to come home to every night.
To be fair, she’d spent an extraordinary amount of time and money making her house comfortable and homey. The kind of place she wanted to come home to at night. And it hadn’t made her any happier, so what the fuck did she know?
Honestly, in spite of its shortcomings, she loved coming here. Not necessarily because she preferred his place, but because she would rather be with him, regardless of where it was.
Even now. When she was ready to throw up on her shoes or cry. Filled with panic and distressed that everything she had of value—real value—could be gone before the day was over.
All because of fucking Carlton and his inability to take no for an answer. The next time she saw that asshat he was for sure taking a tray to the face. And maybe a knee to the crotch. Possibly a finger to the eyeball.
Unless there was a cliff readily available. Then she was shoving his ass right off the edge. Depending on how this conversation went, she might be right behind him.
Leland pulled out a chair at the small kitchen table, his hand finally leaving her body as he said, “Sit.”
She lowered into the seat, the awkwardness between them stretching into silence as Leland worked on starting a pot of coffee.
It was fucking awful feeling like this around him. Way worse than she’d even imagined all those times she considered telling him how she felt, and worrying about the ramifications that might come from it.
Rubbing both palms down the front of her jeans, she tried to calm the panic playing pickle ball inside her ribcage. But it was an impossible feat, and soon she was standing. “Never mind. We can talk lat?—”
Leland turned, crossing both arms over his broad—and still very naked—chest as his dark eyes glued her in place. “I think we should probably talk now.”
Paige tried to smile, but the expression that ended up happening felt more like a grimace. She slowly lowered to the chair, stomach rolling. “Okay.”
His eyes moved over her a second longer before Leland went back to the task of making coffee.
Like the awful friend she was, Paige couldn’t make herself ignore the flex and bunch of the solid bands of muscle across his back and shoulders as he worked.
Even the fading lines of the farmer-style tan he’d gained while working outside over the summer were sexy.
Probably because she was completely gone for this man. In every capacity. And now she was going to have to admit it. Confess the full litany of her sins against their friendship.
Maybe not the one where she thought about grinding on his dick in his sister’s bed, though. That one should probably stay a deep, dark secret for all of eternity.
She was so entranced by the hypnotic movements of his body—and so absorbed in the panicky chaos of her thoughts—that when Leland turned around, her eyes didn’t find their way to his face the way they should have. Instead, they stayed locked at their current altitude, now fusing to his pecs and abs.
Even his freaking nipples were appealing, which was stupid. Man nipples were flat little things that served no purpose. Completely useless. And yet, here she was wondering how they might feel under her fingers.
Or her tongue.
Her obsession with Leland clearly knew no bounds, and that was a tragedy. One that was likely about to unfold here in the quiet of his empty kitchen.
Leland came to the table, a cup of coffee in each hand, and took the seat across from her.
After giving her the one filled with sweetened creamer, he took a sip of his own additive free beverage.
Since she didn’t have anything else she was in a hurry to do—like expressing her feelings and thoughts—Paige took a sip of the coffee he’d made her.
As always, it was perfect. Richly flavored, with the exact correct amount of creamy sweetness.
Leland lifted his brows. “Good?”
She nodded. “Perfect.”
A hint of a smile worked onto his full lips—lips she now knew kissed like a freaking God. “Good.”
She was going to rip her hair out. Maybe peel the skin from her body.
This was awful. Painful in a way she couldn’t have even expected.
Everything had always been so easy with Leland.
Now, all of that was gone. Ruined. All because she didn’t just slam Carlton in the face with a drink tray when she wanted to.
That’s what she got for showing restraint.
Shifting in her seat, Paige decided to rip the Band-Aid off since it wasn’t doing any good anyway. “About what happened last Friday.”
Leland’s coffee cup hovered in front of his mouth, his dark eyes watching her intently. He didn’t respond. Didn’t even really seem to react. Just sat in silence.
More fucking silence .
And she couldn’t take it. That edge she’d been so excited to shove Carlton over came at her with the speed of a bullet. And, dumbass that she was, she jumped right off. Staying here was miserable anyway. Everything was already ruined, how much more damage could she really do?
“Leland, I love you.” Her whole life—their whole life—flew past her as she tumbled into the unknown.
“I think I’ve loved you forever. You mean more to me than anyone else in this world, but I didn’t want you to know because I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you.
Even if I could only be your friend, it was better than not having you at all.
” Her voice wobbled a little, but she carried on, setting down the coffee she wouldn’t be able to drink no matter how perfect it was, thanks to her rebelling guts.
“I love everything about you. How hard you work. How reliable you are. Your sense of humor. The way you take care of your niece and nephew.” Her throat tightened.
“The way you take care of me.” She stood, because sitting was no longer an option.
Her whole body was on fire and the need to move was unbearable.
“I know I messed up kissing you like that, and I don’t know how to undo it, and it’s fucking killing me. ”
Tears edged her eyes. She wasn’t a crier, but if there was anything in this world worth crying over, it was Leland. “I don’t know how, but I’m going to fix this. I just need a little time to get my head back on straight, and then everything can go back to normal. I promise.”
That was what had to happen, and maybe it could. But it definitely wouldn’t with her standing here staring at him in all his masculine, shirtless, perfect coffee making, glory.
So she did the most logical thing.
She turned and fucking ran. Sprinted right through his main level to the front door, which she flung open before racing out into the cold air. Did she close the door behind her? Who the hell knew. Not her, and no way was she going back to figure it out.
Right now she needed space—more than she’d already had—to come to terms with their new normal. Chances were good he’d need the space more than she did since she’d just dropped the atomic bomb of all atomic bombs on him—admitting that all these years he thought she was his friend, she hadn’t been.
She’d just been falling in love with him over and over.
He probably felt betrayed. Lied to. Maybe even manipulated.
That’s why, when she finally fell into the front seat of her luxury car—that didn’t fix anything, by the way—a tear finally slipped free.
Because, while she might find some magical way to get over how much she loved Leland, there was a chance Leland wouldn’t be able to get over the way she’d kept it from him.