Chapter Thirteen
Eve had volunteered for Mike’s midnight feeding.
Her phone alarm woke her at fifteen minutes before twelve. She tugged on a pair of scrubs and a jacket and headed downstairs, committed to her job. She was a ranch wife. She’d chip in where needed.
At the front door, she slipped into her tennis shoes, grabbed a flashlight, and headed for the barn.
She felt as if she were on autopilot.
Before dinner, she’d given Hayden permission to undo this marriage. His carefully chosen words… His guarded expression… She was certain he wanted out of their deal. And that certainty churned in her gut, hollowing her out.
The chill of the night only made her feel worse.
Roddy had left the light on outside the barn. It was a beacon as she crossed the dark ranch yard.
She entered the barn, closing the door behind her. The only light on inside was in the tack room. She headed there to prepare Mike’s baby bottle. A few minutes later, she carried a large bottle with a nipple cap into the calf’s shadowy stall. “Hey, baby. I bet you’re hungry.”
“I’m always hungry.”
Eve startled. “Hayden?” She fumbled with the flashlight in her jacket pocket and turned it on, aiming the beam in the direction of his voice.
Hayden sat in the stall with the calf’s head in his lap. Mike rolled onto his stomach, lifting his nose in the air and sniffing in Eve’s direction.
“What are you doing in here?” Eve was frozen in place. “You should be in bed.”
“I couldn’t sleep.” Hayden patted the straw next to him. “Come sit with me and feed him. Mike gets sleepy really fast when he’s full and then he conks out.”
“Just like a human baby.” Eve sat next to Hayden, close but not touching. She balanced the flashlight on the ground, so its beam was trained on the ceiling. And then she offered the calf the bottle, laughing when he eagerly accepted it.
A feeling of being needed filled her, a feeling of love for this small calf lifting her lips into a smile. “He takes to the bottle so well. It’s like he’s been here for days rather than a few hours. Is that normal?”
“It’s rare.” Hayden ran a hand down Mike’s back, stroking him as if he were a large dog. “He’s special.”
“Katie would agree.”
They fell silent while Mike drank his fill. Other than the occasional creak of a board or muffled sound from the other animals inside, the barn was quiet.
And then, Hayden spoke. “Evie, I think something has to change between us.”
Her breath caught.
Does he mean… Does he want this marriage to be real?
Eve pinched her arm in case she was dreaming.
But this was no dream. She shifted, trying to get a better look at her husband, the love of her life.
Hayden’s face was cast in shadow, so she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “I don’t understand it. We were good friends before. Pretending to be married should be easy. And yet…”
And yet?
Hurt made an appearance, burning hope to cinders. “Hayden, you can’t think that just because you were practically a member of my family that we could pull off a fake marriage without any hiccups.”
“I can,” he said quietly. “I did.”
He has no clue that he’s my dream cowboy. None.
No awareness that the chemistry between them was rooted in a deeper feeling inside of her.
That didn’t make Eve feel any better. “Maybe… Maybe you shouldn’t kiss me.” Her heart mourned that statement. “You said no PDA without an audience. But now that we’re reassessing, maybe there should be no kisses.” Ever.
“Those kisses…” He left the words hanging between them.
And she let his unfinished sentence go unanswered. She needed to know what he was thinking.
“I like kissing you, Evie,” he finally admitted.
She couldn’t seem to find her breath. Her thoughts. Her words.
Hayden Bennett likes kissing me.
Joy replaced hurt. Joy that made her want to throw herself into Hayden’s arms and admit she loved him.
Mike chose that moment to come up for air. He burped. His eyelids drooped. And then, he relaxed, falling back into Hayden’s lap as if the man were his own personal pillow.
That’s when Eve realized Hayden hadn’t admitted to anything beyond the appeal of her kisses.
Does he love me? Can he love me?
Eve wasn’t sensing love was in the air. He wasn’t leaning into her, or reaching for her hand, or touching her hair. Her brain tried to put that in context. And the result wasn’t pleasing.
He likes kissing me, but that doesn’t mean he loves me or ever could.
The reality of that logic tried to weigh her down. What was the point of stepping onto a kissing road if it didn’t lead to a destination filled with love?
“Evie?”
She stared at the remains of formula in the bottle, wondering what she should say. The truth?
That will only scare him away.
He’d gone on record as saying he didn’t believe in love. He’d only agreed to this marriage when she’d confirmed it was temporary. Loveless.
Hayden gently removed the bottle from her hand. “This is where you either tell me you enjoy kissing me, too, or…”
I can’t lie. Not to him.
Eve swallowed thickly, giving Hayden a tentative look. His was a face that was dear to her. Hard lines, firm mouth, sharp eyes. On the outside, he could look intimidating. But she knew he had a big heart. If only that heart was open to love.
I can’t tell him I love him. I’ll lose him.
But those three words… They wanted to come out.
Eve drew a deep breath. “I…”
“It’s okay.” Hayden took her hand, lacing his fingers in between hers.
Eve’s heart pounded. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe he did have feelings for her.
“It’s okay to say the kisses we share are nice,” Hayden said slowly. “Even if we know we aren’t going to be each other’s happily-ever-after.”
Way to kill the mood.
Eve drew another much-needed breath, angling to face Hayden. “I don’t think we should be kissing if we don’t love each other.”
Hayden’s jaw dropped open.
They stared at each other. Eve couldn’t read the expression on his face, so she waited for him to react, to speak, to give her some kind of sign.
And waited.
Eve waited so long, she considered going back to bed.
Little Mike snored. Deeper in the barn, a horse nickered.
Despite the tension between them, or maybe because of it, Eve laughed.
After a moment, Hayden joined in.
When their laughter faded away, they leaned their heads against the stall wall and stared at each other again. But this time it wasn’t as if they were having a stare-off. This time, they regarded each other fondly.
Hayden broke the silence first.
“There’s got to be another reason why you don’t want to kiss me.
Am I a bad kisser?” His tone was serious, but there was a glint of mischief in his dark as midnight eyes.
“Do I have bad breath? Was I too aggressive a kisser? Too passive? Too much tongue? Not enough?” When she didn’t answer, he smiled ruefully.
“For someone who has an opinion on everything, you’re going to stay silent? Give me nothing?”
Tell you I love you? Not a chance.
“You know you’re a fine kisser.” Eve rolled her eyes. She could give him that much.
Hayden grinned. “But it’s always good to have confirmation.”
Eve shook her head. “You. Are. Trouble.”
“The good kind, Evie.”
Not where my heart is concerned.
“I’m not dating you…Hay-Hay.” Eve smiled at the flash of annoyance in his eyes at her use of his nickname. “We shouldn’t be kissing because we’re not dating.”
“But…” His brow furrowed. “We’re married.”
“It’s a friendly marriage, as you well know, one without a forever kind of future.”
Mike heaved a heavy sigh, eyes firmly shut.
With her free hand, Eve stroked his broad little head, waiting for Hayden to say something. His fingers were still entwined with hers. His thumb was caressing the back of her hand. His touch was tempting, romantic, and heartbreaking…all at the same time.
Because he’s vowed not to let his heart become involved with me.
Technically, not with anyone.
Eve sighed, gathering her resolve. “All right. I’ll say it since you won’t. Kissing leads to feelings. Feelings you don’t want to have.”
Feelings I already have and don’t want to reveal.
Hayden opened his mouth to say something. Closed it again. And opened it—
Only to have Eve place her hand over his mouth the way Katie had their first morning on the ranch. “I can’t kiss you and not have feelings.” There. That was as close to the truth as she was willing to reveal.
Hayden took her hand from his mouth and clasped it over his heart.
Eve’s breath hitched. Talk about romantic gestures. More actions like that and she wouldn’t need kisses to fall harder for him.
“If it was going to be anyone, it would be you,” Hayden said quietly.
And that was that.
I’m such a fool.
Eve left. Fast. But no matter how far her feet took her away from Hayden, his rejection clung to her like iodine on a fresh wound—meant to protect, but all it did was burn.
*
“This is just like old times.” Roddy’s voice startled Hayden awake, along with his four-legged charge.
The calf sat up. And then lurched to his feet, walking slowly over to greet Roddy.
Hayden blinked at the sunlight streaming through the open barn door. Its golden beams sliced through the dusty air. He didn’t remember falling asleep in the stall last night, only the hollow thud of the barn door closing behind Evie and the silence he’d been left with.
Maybe he’d shut an internal door to protect his heart, but he’d never thought his belief that love was too risky would shut Evie out.
He rubbed a hand over his face, feeling stupid. “How is this just like old times?”
Roddy leaned on the stall door, regarding Hayden with a wry grin as he petted the calf. “Caught you a couple times when you were a kid sleeping in here with that young bull of yours. What was his name? Snot? Snotty?”
“Bucksnort.” Snort for short. Hayden smiled, heartened by the memory as he got to his feet.
“I won a lot of livestock shows with him.” The bull had been as tame as a sleepy kitten, just like this young calf.
“Whatever happened to Snort?” Bulls didn’t live as long as horses. He expected Snort to have died by now.
“After you left, Clyde put him out to pasture somewhere. That’s the last I saw of him.”
“So…” Hayden took gentle hold of Mike’s muzzle, looking him in the eyes. “This could be—”
“The Son of Snot.” Roddy’s grin widened.
“Hardy-har.” Hayden gave Mike a few affectionate pats on the rib cage. “I’d like to think this little fella is Bucksnort the Second.”
“Chances are that your little buddy here is third- or fourth-generation Snotty,” Roddy teased.
“Dare I ask?” Evie appeared behind Roddy, holding a coffee travel mug. She had on blue jeans, plus a teal T-shirt beneath that brown jacket of hers. “Why are we talking about mucous?”
“Don’t ask,” both Roddy and Hayden replied.
“Did you sleep out here?” Evie offered Hayden the travel mug. “Katie was worried when she woke up and didn’t find you in your…our bedroom this morning.”
“Oh, he slept out here, all right,” Roddy answered before Hayden could. The old cowhand was enjoying this immensely. “I can see why you married him, ma’am. He’s a good nursemaid. Bet he can change diapers too.”
Evie’s gaze locked onto Hayden’s. Her words about kissing leading to love returned to him.
I won’t be playing nursemaid to our babies.
He was struck by a wave of melancholy at the thought, as if he had…regrets about guarding his heart from Evie. The irony of that feeling wasn’t lost on Hayden.
I’ll only ever be nursemaid to livestock.
Roddy must have made a noise, because both Hayden and Evie stared at the old cowhand. Hayden couldn’t remember a day at the ranch that Roddy hadn’t been there. He couldn’t imagine a day when Roddy wouldn’t be there.
That’ll be me someday. Old and alone.
The thought didn’t appeal. But neither did another broken heart.
Which leaves me…
Stuck.