22. Accidental Dick Pic on Purpose #3
Realizing his error, Rhys steps away from me until his back bumps against the wall.
“What I mean is,” he backtracks, “it’s not that I find you enjoyable or what we have together enjoyable or even pleasant.
N-not that we have anything together. The concept of ‘together’ shouldn’t even apply to us. Ditto the concept of ‘us.’”
Turning red, he massages the back of his neck, scratching at the rash from his tag.
His words trip out of his mouth, piling together like lemmings right before they leap off a cliff.
“I only meant that conversations with you are sometimes stimulating because I never know where I’ll end up, and there’s no one I’d rather converse with than you, and not because I enjoy the topic of...
of… dicks.” He takes a deep breath, making his last point, which fizzles. “That’s what I meant.”
Unfortunately, I understand.
I understand all too well. Every word that comes out of his mouth should be studied by cringe experts around the world. I need to stop this monologue before he melts into a pathetic puddle at my feet.
I laugh off his explanation, hoping a joke would offer him grace. “I can see why Michelle likes the silent type, can’t you?”
His shoulders sag, grateful for an out. “Yeah.”
“So do you believe me now when I say she’s having a good time?”
“I suppose...”
I frown, peering up at his face. “You still sound like you don’t believe me.”
As if by divine intervention, his phone pings. He glances down at the text, and his shoulders slump. “She just sent another puppy meme.”
“So?”
“She’s expecting me to send another.”
“So send her another!”
Rhys hesitates. “Don’t you think it’s kind of ... stupid?”
I close my eyes and pray for patience. “You do realize that you’re sabotaging your only chance at happiness, right?
Here’s a girl who finally likes you, and you’re stuck in this funky bathroom with me, nitpicking all the ways this date could go south instead of going out there and enjoying the date. ”
He sucks in air between his teeth. “It’s a pain in the ass to find puppy GIFs, searching for them... I’m against sending banal memes on principle.”
Will the excuses never cease? Also, this deplorable lack of effort to do something as simple as sourcing a puppy GIF to impress a girl is exactly the reason he’s alone and undatable.
This time I let out a sigh akin to a barbaric yelp. “You are the pain in the ass. I don’t know why I even bother. You’re hopeless. All my lessons are lost on you. Here,” I hold out my hand, “give me your phone. Watch and learn.”
Rhys reluctantly unlocks his phone and hands it over. “What are you going to do?”
“I’ll send her some freaking adorable puppy GIFs on your behalf.
” Leveling him with my most disappointed stare, I scrounge up a GIF of a tiny Bichon Frisé romping around in a dandelion field under the cursive banner of ‘Happy.’ This is perfect.
Michelle would die from the cuteness. I copy and paste it into their text chain, adding:
This is what happens when I think of you xoxo
…and send it off in one fell swoop.
“Oh dear,” I mock, “that was so difficult. Putting in a little effort to make my crush happy is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.”
Rhys appears a touch shamed (as he should be). “I suppose beggars can’t be choosers.”
“You suppose right.” His phone vibrates. “Oh, look. It’s from Michelle, probably hearting your thoughtful puppy photo and ready to jump your bones the moment you two are alone.” I tap a fingernail to his phone. “Do you mind if I do the honors?”
“Sure.”
I glance down at his lock screen, reading the preview of Michelle’s text.
Michelle
WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE IS THIS?
My smugness dissipates. Unhinged All Caps. Never a good sign.
“Well?” Rhys leans closer. “What did she say?”
“Let me just… Let me read it first.” Feeling queasy, I surreptitiously let the preview disappear before holding his phone up to his face to unlock it.
Turning away, I dive into his text chain with Michelle and immediately wish to flush myself down the nasty toilet because I just transformed from the world’s best fairy godmother to the shittiest one. “Um, Rhys?”
“Yes?”
“I screwed up.”
Rhys braces himself. “What did you do now?” I wipe away the cold sweat condensing on my temple.
I may faint. “Before I tell you, you have to promise to consider my perspective. Sometimes you think you’ve copied something, but there’s something else on your clipboard and the thing you copied was never copied, but the original thing on your clipboard gets sent instead.
We should all stop multi-tasking and focus on the task at hand, don’t you agree? ”
Rhys shakes his head, frustrated by my evasiveness. “You’re not making any sense. What have you done?”
“Remember when you said ‘no one sends a dick pic by accident’?”
Rhys thinks about this for a second before his eyes widen in horror. He stalks toward me, backing me against the other wall. “You didn’t...”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. To the end of my days, I will forever be sorry.” I’m still clutching his phone, and it’s vibrating like a hive of angry wasps. Michelle, oh, I’m certain it’s Michelle, won’t stop.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I hand over his phone. “I sent Sam’s dick pic to Michelle and now she thinks it’s your dick.”