21. Reese
21
REESE
I’m T-minus ten seconds away from pinching myself. That did not just happen. He did not hit on me. He did not grind shamelessly against me with a raging hard-on. He did not imply he was the right guy for me .
Holy shit.
My back presses against the door, and I slide to the floor, eyes wide. I feel oddly weightless and shaky, abuzz with adrenaline. I try to slow my racing heart to no avail. It’s beating so fast, so strong, so sure that I’m momentarily breathless.
Oh God, I want him. I want him to come back and kiss me like he means it. I want him to hold me up against the wall and murmur dirty words into my ear. I want to be pinned beneath him as he explores every inch of my skin. I want it all.
My eyes pinch closed as a thought strikes me out of nowhere. Crap . I still have Caleb to deal with. Guilt builds up inside me.
There’s nothing wrong with him. We have similar interests, and we get along, but it feels like something is missing. Like something isn’t there . It doesn’t help that he’s never once kissed me or made any move on me. I would have settled for a fleeting touch of hands.
Every date we’ve gone on feels like an outing with a friend. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy hanging out with him. He’s nice and sweet, but I don’t see it going anywhere. I don’t even see him kissing me .
Maybe he likes to take things extremely slowly, or maybe… he’s not that into me.
A sense of ease spreads through me. There’s no ache in my chest; my heart is not fracturing down the middle. I’m… okay with it.
Blowing out a breath, I know what I must do.
I find myself standing on the porch of Caleb’s fraternity on a late Thursday afternoon. I wasn’t able to meet up with him sooner. He had to take his sisters to a birthday party on Sunday and was busy with rehearsals on Monday. I had work and tutoring on Tuesday and Wednesday. Since I didn’t want to end things with him via phone—it seems so callous and impersonal, and my conscience will never let me live it down—or have this dragged out for another day, I thought it’d be best to come here after my class let out.
As I’m in the middle of messaging him, panic sets in. Oh God. Do I really want to do it here where he lives? I don’t want him to catch a glimpse of a pink lawn flamingo and flash back to the time I dumped him whenever he leaves the house. Should I have done this someplace neutral? Or an unpleasant place like the DMV?
The front door swings open before I can craft another text, and Caleb comes into view.
“You wanted to see me?” His trademark smile makes an appearance.
It’s the same thing as last time. I don’t feel anything. My heart isn’t a fluttering mess. My stomach isn’t swooping. My pulse isn’t going haywire at the sight. If anything, I’m just nervous about the next few minutes.
Steeling my nerves, I force myself to look deeply into his eyes. “We need to talk.”
“Isn’t that… what we’re doing?” he teases, and heat burns up the back of my neck.
“Right.” An awkward laugh escapes me—my bravado with it.
“Do you want to come in?”
“No, I think we should break up,” I blurt, and his body goes rigid while my eyes widen with abject horror. It takes a considerable amount of willpower not to cover my mouth with both hands. In my defense, I’ve never done this before. It’s my first rodeo.
Something unreadable appears in the lines of his face, and the atmosphere becomes frigid. Suddenly, the DMV doesn’t seem like the most unpleasant place on earth anymore. Not when this porch is a worthy contender.
“You want to break up?” he sounds out slowly.
I hesitate. Not because I’m reconsidering this, but because I don’t want to make a bigger fool of myself. It’s hard to believe I rehearsed something last night. To the stray tabby cat, but still.
“Yes?” I pause as it occurs to me we’re not even exclusive. “We should stop seeing each other.”
His eyebrows shift into a frown. “Is this because of Kingsley?”
“ Nope . Not at all.” Sweat prickles along my lower back as I try to stave off the flush on my cheeks and feign indifference at his name. I don’t want to risk the chance of this conversation getting back to my sister. She cannot hear a peep about this. Not even a single syllable. “You’re nice, but… I don’t know. There was never any… spark between us. I think we’re better off as friends.”
There. I did it. It’s over with. We can now shake hands and part ways.
He continues to stare. I wonder if I should soften the blow and flatter his taste in books when he finally speaks. “No.”
“You don’t want to be friends?” Disappointment cuts through me like a serrated knife. I don’t know why I’m so surprised. Maybe it’s because I did enjoy the conversations we’ve had beyond music and cinema. I liked hearing the things he’d tell me about his sisters. I loved it when he’d mention mine. Hearing what Lili did her freshman year while I was still in New Mexico always brought a smile to my face.
My sister never tells me anything. I think she feels guilty she was having a great time here while I was stuck at home. Sorry I’m living my life while yours almost ended .
I hate that she blames herself for what happened to me. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. I know she’s always taken it upon herself to protect me—that’s how it’s been for as long as I can remember. But it’s not her fault. I hope she doesn’t blame herself, especially when I never have.
So, I enjoy hearing the things she did from her friends and sorority sisters for a reason. It’s nice to know my sister is capable of letting loose.
“No, I don’t want to break up with you,” Caleb clarifies, and I let his words percolate for a few moments.
“But it’s not going anywhere?” I stammer. Where was this energy weeks ago?
“Give me a chance.”
“I’m sorry, but—” I break off with a shake of my head. “There have been enough chances. I really do hope we can stay friends. It would be nice to talk about the book once you finish it. If you don’t wanna remain friends, that’s okay. Regardless, it’s over.”
With that, I offer him a small wave goodbye and leave before he tries to change my mind.
The bus screeches as it departs, and soon, it’s just me and my anxiety left on the side of the road. I don’t waste another second.
My heart thunders against my breastbone; anticipation builds low in my belly. My nerves overtake me when the garage comes into view, and I catalog every detail. The door is up. Rock music pours out from inside. There’s a car with its hood popped open. He’s standing right there .
My body reacts instantaneously, and butterflies take off in my stomach. He doesn’t notice me as I approach him. His head’s tipped back as he drains his water bottle, and I run my gaze down the column of his throat, staring fixedly.
I barely manage to suppress the shiver racing down my spine, and my breath leaves me in a slow whoosh. My God . How can something so innocuous be so enrapturing to witness?
I wait until he’s done. The last thing I want is to startle him and have him choking on water. The seconds extend into excruciating eternity while I linger nearby. Then I brace myself when he crumples up the plastic and tosses it seamlessly into a bin.
“Promise me you meant every word you said,” comes out so softly, as if anything above a mere whisper will shatter the illusion. For a brief moment, I’m petrified. Terrified I’ve made a huge mistake.
But then he glances over, and time expands. The world grinds to a halt, and I lose all sense of my surroundings. It’s just him.
Slowly, a lopsided smirk spreads across his face, barely outpaced by my intake of breath, and I almost double over when sheer relief pulses through my veins.
“Thought you were gonna keep me waiting until the very last second.”
A quiet laugh slips free. I almost groan into my hands, sheepish.
“Well?” His brow lifts. “You still wanna keep me waiting?”
“Until the second to last second,” I tease, and he snorts. My lips press together to smother my smile as I draw closer, stopping just shy of touching him. Only a few measly inches separate us. Just one more step and I will walk into the warm shelter of his body.
No one moves. There’s a softness buried deep in the smolder of his gaze as he holds mine. Something unspoken simmers in the air. I feel ensnared by it. By him . The gradual shift in the atmosphere is so tangible that I pitch forward, only for him to hold his hands up with a low groan.
“I don’t want my filthy hands all over you.” He displays his palms. Sure enough, his fingers are covered in grime. Needless to say, they’ll definitely stain the white skinny jeans and baby blue sweater I’m wearing.
And yet … “I don’t care,” I breathe out, and he snorts.
“You say that now.” With a grin, he heads over to a small sink and turns his back to me. “But I’m not ruining your pretty clothes, Mini Reese.”
Since he’s not kissing me senseless, I take the opportunity to check out his butt. It seems like a fair trade. Then I avert my attention to the ceiling when he catches me ogling him, and my cheeks blaze.
He returns, and I practically throw myself at him. His sharp burst of laughter slides free as he deftly hooks his arms around my waist before I smack into his chest, and we nearly topple over. After he steadies us, I beam at him and soak up the idle tenderness of his hand stroking the small of my back.
Then I burst into giggles.
“Ticklish?”
“My eye didn’t get poked out,” I explain, as I stretch forward on my toes and press into him.
His brow shoots up inquisitively. “Do you want me to poke you in the eye?”
The teasing note in his words causes me to laugh into his chest. “No, it’s…” I trail off as a flush of warmth goes through me, and I peel back to meet his gaze. I don’t think there are enough words in the dictionary to describe how this feels so easy and right to me. “I think this is it.”
“The moment?” He ducks his head closer to mine, bringing our faces so close that our noses are touching.
“The moment,” I agree, as I tilt forward and meet him halfway. My eyes fall shut, and I all but stagger into his embrace as he drops his mouth to mine.
It’s the most gentle kiss I’ve ever had, unhurried and thorough, as if he wants to make this last. As if he wants this to go on for an exquisite eternity. I don’t mind. All I can focus on is his tongue and his impossibly soft lips to care about anything else.
An asteroid can hit the city, and I will not budge.
His hands move to my hips. My nails dig into his shoulders. His fingers press into my skin, and I whimper against him. His body tenses for a beat, and with a low groan from the base of his throat, he shoves his thigh between my legs and deepens the kiss.
His deliberate and slow pace gives way to an intensity I’m not prepared for. My gasp breaks free when he sweeps me up and drops me onto the hood of his car at an alarming speed. I’m momentarily blindsided and breathless before he climbs on top of me, caging me in against the cold steel metal. His mouth falls upon mine, all incessant and demanding, like he wants to claim everything I’m willing to hand over to him.
I want to give him everything. He can take it all.
My fingers tangle into his hair, and I greedily pull him in closer and arch my hips against his. A groan rumbles deep from his chest, an utterly guttural sound that sets me ablaze, and he grinds down in a slow, languid motion. I forget how to breathe.
In fact, I forget that I’m in the middle of kissing him. My brain errors out on me. There’s a spinning loading circle where my executive function skills should be. He breaks from my lips, pushes up, and finds my gaze with heavy-lidded eyes and a heart-stopping smile.
“You good, Reese?” A knowing smirk follows his question.
In answer, my cheeks burn, and he chuckles while the rough pad of his thumb brushes over the rise of my cheekbone.
Wordlessly, my hand goes to the front of his chest and studies the rigid planes of his abs. My focus remains trained on his face. The faded scar on his temple. The strong slope of his nose. The way his pupils have expanded to swallow up the frosty-blue color of his eyes.
His throat works with a rough swallow as I boldly venture lower. I barely tease his zipper when he pulls away completely and grates a string of curses under his breath. He seems at war with himself.
“You’re not losing your virginity in my dirty garage.” His jaw clenches tight as he exhales through his nose, and he all but ignores me when I frown in protest. “We’re going back to my place, so I can shower and clean myself up real nice for you before I give you the sweetest fuck of your life.”