Chapter 26 Faina
FAINA
It will be okay.
Nothing is okay.
Nothing is going the way it’s meant to. I was under no illusions that this would be easy, but the months we’ve spent traversing Europe only to end up on our way to Egypt hoping to catch the head of the snake who has been, according to Rocky and my gut, laying destruction in his wake without a single hesitation.
This man is a monster and I fear he’ll consume everything I care about before we get a chance to stop him.
“If we’re too late,” Cian says after a moment’s silence, “Then we’ll just have to make sure we don’t let down the ones watching over us.”
Cian doesn’t look me in the eye. He turns his head toward the sky and closes his eyes against the glare of the sun.
In this light, his pale skin finally looks like it’s gaining color that isn’t just crimson sunburn.
His hair glows like molten metal and his lips press together with the corners downturned a fraction.
“Is that what you tell yourself about your family?” I ask softly, blinking away my tears. “That they’re still with you?”
He nods while keeping his eyes closed. “I was never strongly religious but my mother was. I think she’d have everyone looking down at me whether they wanted to or not.
And I try to think they’d be proud of me now.
” He sighs and rubs one palm against his knee.
“You know… when I woke up in that hospital and they were all gone, I felt like a part of me died with them. That I was just this husk left over to walk around with a cavern of emptiness inside me.”
Dabbing my fingers under my eyes, I sniffle and focus on Cian as he opens his eyes and glances at me briefly. “I can’t imagine what that’s like.”
“No one can. I’d spent nights trying to work out what hurt more.
Losing my brother? My twin? Knowing their families were dead with them?
My mother? Each time I settled on who I missed the most, another memory would surface and I’d be back to square one.
I felt like a sack of shit dragging myself after this faceless killer.
I knew I was going to murder him. And then I was going to kill myself afterward. ”
My stomach drops like a rock and I’m grasping his hand before I can stop myself. “Cian!”
He looks at me again and this time, I hold his gaze. “It was the only path I had.”
“Not the only path!”
“Yes,” he insists. “My family were dead. My survival felt like some cruel joke, like I was alive just to be laughed at by fate or whatever fucker is up there in control of all this. I had no hope. I heard from no one because every other family was protecting themselves and the smaller Irish families we used to protect either tried to claim our leftover power or they wanted nothing to do with me like I was some kind of omen. I had nothing and no one, so killing the devil and then ending it was my plan.”
“Was?” I ask cautiously. He talks in the past tense but is that just a slip of the tongue?
“I don’t think I feel that way anymore.”
“What’s changed?”
He scoffs softly. “I don’t know because the answer would be you, but then I find out you used to be a cop.
That it runs in your family. And now I don’t know who I see when I look at you.
A few days ago, you accused me of being morally corrupt because I could overlook the trafficking the Russians did but I can’t overlook your being a cop. ”
My stomach twists but I nod. I’m right. Cian’s picking and choosing what’s moral and what’s not, and I don’t intend to entertain that kind of Olympics. “It’s true.”
“When you accused me of that, I knew you’d missed the point.”
I withdraw my hand from his. “Excuse me?”
“It wasn’t just the fact that you were a cop.
It’s that you lied to me. More than that, it’s that I’ve poured my entire broken soul out to you, you’ve been around me during the worst time of my life and still, you couldn’t trust me.
You didn’t tell me your past. You didn’t trust me enough to share that, and that’s what hurts me, Faina.
That’s what makes me doubt that a life with you after this is even a choice I have. ”
I don’t have the words.
I never once considered that this was the real reason Cian was angry with me. I was hung up on Interpol and assumed he was too, that he couldn’t look past my history and was going to crucify me for it. In truth, it’s my lie that affects him.
My hands curl against my thigh while I search for words that don’t come.
“So my point is,” Cian continues quietly, “and I’m making it badly, I know, but when things feel like the end of the world, there’s still hope. It will be unexpected and can arrive as an old flame turning up at your table and making you readjust your perspective.”
He is making it badly, but Cian has never been incredibly eloquent and I can’t fault him for it.
My fear that the worst of the worst has happened to Anastasia can be offset by Rocky’s lack of knowledge on the matter.
If the Russian Godmother were dead, then Hawk wouldn’t hesitate to parade it around.
“I think I understand what you’re saying.”
“You sure?” He smiles softly. “I think I lost it myself halfway through.”
“If she was dead, Rocky would know. The whole world would know. So no news is good news.”
Cian nods.
“And if we’re wrong, then I can just take it out on Hawk.”
“Exactly.”
“Thanks for talking to me.”
He nods. “Anytime.” Just as he moves to stand, I reach out and grasp his wrist.
“Wait—”
Cian sits back down. “What?”
“I…” Taking a deep breath, I angle to face him more.
“It’s not that I didn’t trust you. Honestly, with everything that’s been going on, I didn’t think it was in any way important while we were focused on Hexagon.
But last year? I didn’t tell you about my past, not because I didn’t trust you.
If anything, I trusted you too much and it made me scared that this perfect little thing I’d carved out for myself was going to vanish.
I didn’t entirely think you would judge my past, but I thought I was facing a horrible chance that you’d never look at me the same again and I didn’t want that. ”
Cian silently catches my gaze and the words keep coming.
“Everything about you, Cian, was perfect. Too perfect. And I don’t mean that in a jokey way because you’re the younger, hotter guy, but you saw me.
You always seemed to see me, and I loved that.
I loved the way you’d touch me and look at me like I was precious.
I felt like we had the entire world at our feet and I was so scared that if you knew my father had been a spy, that I’d been a traitor too, that you wouldn’t look at me the same.
Or worse, you would see me as a threat to your family and I know they came first. I…
” Emotion catches in my throat like a cotton ball, and I swallow hard, barely blinking.
“It sounds like an excuse, I know, but it’s not.
I was scared of losing you and I was never going to go back to that life, so it didn’t feel relevant to the future I wanted with you. ”
As soon as I finish, I hold my breath like some kind of reflex awaiting Cian’s response.
His brow dips and his gaze falls away from mine.
While he remains silent, he doesn’t pull away from my touch and my heart starts to pound.
Maybe it sounds like a weak excuse but I can’t explain how badly it amplified in my mind.
I was utterly in love with him and so scared of losing him.
But it happened anyway.
“I had no idea,” Cian says after a long silence.
“I know,” I murmur. “And I should have told you sooner. You know how much miscommunication grates on me and I was part of the cause, but you were so angry and I was defensive and then it sort of snowballed from there and now… now we’re closing in on Hawk and even angry, you’ve taken the time to comfort me. ”
“Not angry.” Cian shakes his head. “Well, not really. Reactive, I think, is a better term.”
Our eyes meet and my heart skips a beat. “So you’re not mad at me anymore.”
“I am a little,” he admits softly. “But it will pass, I think. With time and processing. I understand. I can hardly hold it against you, and trust is…” He shakes his head.
“I can’t explain it. It feels like you’re the only thing holding me together and I hate to put that responsibility on you, so when it felt like you didn’t trust me, I felt like I was—”
“Hush,” I murmur, cupping his cheek. “I want that responsibility. Look at us. We’re in the middle of the ocean being hunted by Interpol and international criminals and we’re alone. All we have is each other, and I want that responsibility. I’m here for it because I-I know… I know you hold me too.”
Cian’s eyes dart back and forth between mine while his cheek warms my palm and the sun burns against my back. It’s a pleasant heat but somehow, contact with Cian is hotter. Then, with no warning, he sinks forward and his lips claim mine.
It’s a slow, gentle kiss with his lips slotting neatly over my own and his arm sliding around my waist. He draws me in close against his sun-warmed T-shirt and my eyes close as the initial surprise passes.
Does this mean I’m forgiven?
Or we’re back on track?
I hesitate to look deeper into the meaning and focus instead on how much I missed the soft press of his lips, the light graze of his beard, and the strength of his grip around me.
Looping one arm around his neck, I draw myself closer and arch my body into him for a deeper kiss.
He obliges and soon presses me back down onto the sun lounger with a soft, low groan.
There’s no strong intent behind the kiss, not even as he breaks away to adjust his angle and kiss me a little firmer, focusing on my upper lip and then my lower.
Lying back brings him on top of me and he braces one arm on the lounger next to my shoulder.
Cian balances with a knee between my thighs and gradually, his kisses grow more and more insistent.
Warmth hotter than the blazing sun above us rages through my body and settles deep in my core. My eyes close and I focus on the brush of his other hand against my naked abdomen, the warmth of his thigh between my legs, and the sudden hot brush of his wet tongue against the seam of my mouth.
My lips part and I invite him in willingly while caressing one hand up into his hair and threading the strands between my fingers.
His other warm hand slides down to my hips and toys with the seam of my bikini as if asking for permission.
I grant it by widening my thighs but just as I’m about to wrap them around his waist, he breaks the kiss and slides down my body.
Both his hands caress my hips and my bare thighs as he kisses a path down over my breasts, across my stomach, down until he’s face to face with my pussy.
Any other words die in my mind when he presses his hot tongue flat against my underwear and licks me through the fabric.
Despite balancing on my elbow to watch him, I can’t maintain the posture and eventually slump back down onto the lounger as he laps repeatedly at me.
His flat, soft tongue traces hot, wet patterns over my pussy until I’m squirming and panting with need.
I want to feel him. The real thing.
I want him against me and not through a barrier of fabric.
“Please,” I gasp. “Enough teasing!”
Cian doesn’t listen. He continues to lick back and forth over my panties and just when my core is tight and my body is shining with light sweat ready to snap, he finally pulls my panties aside and presses his hot tongue against my wet folds.
The heat is searing and the contact sends a pulse of pleasure through my entire body.
One leg slips off the lounger and both my hands grip his thick hair.
He switches from long, flat licks of his tongue focusing on my inner lips, to pointed swipes of his tongue tense and firm over my clit. Back and forth he works until I’m once again mindlessly close to orgasm and writhing on the lounger.
Once again, he pulls back and leaves me gasping while trailing kisses down my inner thigh. He teases me like it’s some kind of divine punishment and none of my whimpers, whines or begs are enough to grant me what I’m aching for, what my core throbs for.
Cian doesn’t let me come until his cock is deep inside me, pounding into me with the rocking of the ship and our gazes locked together.