Ston
As the heat of the day pressed down on Lloyd, the silence in the catamaran weighed heavily around him.
He was so rarely on board alone, but with Natali in Dubrovnik and Ana having gone to see her parents, the emptiness was almost unbearable.
Even Obi lay motionless in her basket, limbs akimbo as she slept.
He’d taken her for her walk early, along the inlet towards Broce, but not nearly that far.
There was little shade on the path and it had been no time before she’d started panting, so they’d returned to Dida Krila and after a long, cool drink of water, Lloyd had set about making chicken curry for dinner tonight, figuring the longer the spices had to mingle, the better.
Now, as he sat in the salon, clutching his empty mug of tea, he had no idea at all what to do with the rest of the day.
Truth be told, he was too tired from his sleepless nights to even think about it, so perhaps he should try to catch up.
Lie down at least. He doubted he had the energy for anything else.
As he edged around the table, Obi opened one eye and rolled over, before staggering to her feet and shaking out her soft fur.
“Sorry,” he murmured, reaching down to scratch the top of her head, “I didn’t mean to wake you.” The poor animal probably hoped he was going to take her to wherever Natali was, but she skittered after him happily enough as he descended to his cabin, curling up on the corner of his bed.
Lloyd closed the curtains to dim the light sparkling on the surface of the water and stretched out on his back.
On the shelf to his right was his photo of Jenny, and he picked it up, gazing into her eyes.
All last night it had felt strange that Ana and Natali knew something about him that Jenny hadn’t; something that had been so important once, and now was again. For totally different reasons.
But by the time he’d met Jenny, Mirjana hadn’t mattered, had she?
Except that perhaps she had. Because she had shaped him; shaped how his new relationship had progressed.
Slowly, cautiously, sometimes feeling he’d been several steps behind, because he’d had to be sure that Jenny wouldn’t disappear as well, before he’d finally committed.
“Did I hurt you, the way I was with you at first?” he asked her. Impossible to know now. Far too late. But in the long term, they couldn’t have been closer, happier, more in love. And Mirjana hadn’t felt like a secret because he’d blocked her from his mind.
He traced Jenny’s cheek, glassy in its frame.
“Perhaps I should have told you.” A thought occurred to him, and he frowned.
“Perhaps I’ll tell you now. There was someone before you; someone I loved, but I think in a very different way.
We were so young, you see, too wrapped up in ourselves to notice what was happening around us, like the fact that her country was on the brink of war. ”
He sighed. “This is why I never wanted to go to Croatia on holiday. Not even when you found that bargain cruise. Which is pretty ironic, really, given where I am and what I’m doing now.” He faltered, What the hell was the point? “Oh, Jen,” he whispered, “can you even hear any of this?”
Tears stung his eyes. He knew she couldn’t hear, and yet he needed to tell her so badly.
He never would be able to, not really, and his whole being ached with the heaviness of the thought.
But perhaps… He remembered her saying once that if she lost the battle then she would always live on in his and Ruth’s hearts.
He hadn’t wanted to listen at the time, but now he realised it was true.
A tiny piece of her would be with him always.
Even when he was ready to move on, her soul would be walking quietly alongside his.
Was he moving on now? Doing things she would never know about, making friends she would never meet.
Almost without him realising it, the process was well underway.
But to step completely into the future? So many times, he’d wondered if the tangle of memories and guilt had been stopping him healing, and perhaps he’d been right.
So even though Jenny couldn’t hear him, it was time to tell her everything.
With a definite purpose, Lloyd plumped his pillows under his head, then propped up Jenny’s photo on his chest. “Buckle up, beautiful,” he told her. “This is the whole sorry story from beginning to end.”