Chapter 22 #2
But I said nothing as I sat there, enjoying the simple feel of Casteel’s hand stroking my hair.
I would’ve enjoyed his touch even more if I hadn’t realized there was an entirely different way to look at this.
I had no idea how to rule, but I could learn.
I would have Casteel at my side, and who would be a better teacher?
Governing people did not necessarily equate to controlling them.
It could mean protecting them, just as I knew Casteel would—like I knew his parents had done to the best of their ability.
How they may or may not feel about me didn’t change the fact that they cared for their people.
That they were nothing like the Royals of Solis.
That kind of responsibility was frightening, but it could also be an honor.
I had no thirst for power, but maybe that was the key to being a good leader?
I wasn’t sure. But I knew I had great ambitions.
I wanted to free the people of Solis from the tyranny of the Ascended, and what could be more ambitious than that?
But how could I achieve that when I refused to bear the burden of a Crown?
Who knew what kind of influence Casteel and I would be able to wield regarding Solis if we were forced to abandon Atlantia, leaving it to be ruled by someone who could have very different intentions when it came to Solis and the Ascended?
Someone who may never see Ian as anything but a vampry.
And maybe that was all that Ian was now.
Possibly even Tawny. I didn’t know, but what if my brother was different?
What if other Ascended could change like Casteel had said a few had?
What would happen if someone took the throne and declared war against them?
I didn’t know, but freedom was the choice.
It was in the way I chose to live my life.
And what kind of freedom would there be if I was the reason Casteel had to leave his people? His family?
That kind of knowledge carried with it a different type of cage, didn’t it? Just like fear was another prison, and I was…
“I’m afraid,” I admitted quietly as I stared at the sun-drenched ivy beyond the open terrace door. “I’m afraid of saying yes.”
Casteel’s hand stilled on my back. “Why?”
“I don’t know how to be a Queen. I know I can learn, but do the people of Atlantia have the patience for that?
The luxury of waiting for me to gain the same kind of experience as you?
And we don’t even know what I am. Has Atlantia ever had a Queen that was possibly neither mortal nor Atlantian nor deity?
You don’t have to answer that. I already know it’s a no.
And what if I’m a terrible Queen?” I asked. “What if I fail at that?”
“First and foremost, you won’t be a terrible Queen, Poppy.”
“You have to say that,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Because you’re my husband, and because you’re afraid I’ll stab you if you say otherwise.”
“Fear is not remotely what I feel when I think you might stab me.”
My nose scrunched as I shook my head. “That is twisted.”
“Perhaps,” he noted. “But back to what you said. How do I know you wouldn’t make a terrible Queen?
It’s the choices you’ve made time and time again.
Like when you sought to help those who were cursed by the Craven, risking the gods know what kind of punishment to ease their passing.
That is just one example of your compassion, and that is something any ruler needs.
When you went up on the Rise during the Craven attack?
When you fought at Spessa’s End, willing to take the same risks as those who’d taken an oath to protect the people?
Those are only two examples that prove you have the courage and the willingness to do what you would ask of your people.
That is something a King and a Queen should be willing to do.
You have more experience than you realize.
You proved that in the hunting cabin when you spoke of power and influence.
You paid attention when you wore the veil.
More than any of the Royals ever noticed. ”
He was right about that. I had watched and listened without being seen. From that, I had learned what not to do when in a leadership position, starting with the simplest of things.
Do not lie to your people.
Or kill them.
But the bar wasn’t set very high in Solis. Atlantia was entirely different.
“And the fact that you are willing to give people who might’ve been involved in a plot to harm you a second chance proves you are far more suited to rule than I am.”
I frowned, lifting my head. Our gazes met. “You would make a wonderful King, Cas. I’ve seen you with people. It’s evident that they love you as much as you love them.”
His eyes warmed. “But I am not nearly as generous, compassionate, or as forgiving as you—all qualities that can bring down a Crown if they’re absent,” he told me, pausing to brush a wisp of hair back from my face.
“If we were to do this, I would need to learn some things—areas I would need your help with. But the fact that you are afraid of failing speaks volumes, Poppy. It should scare you. Hell, it terrifies me.”
“It does?”
He nodded. “Do you think I don’t fear failing the people?
Making the wrong choices? Setting the entire kingdom on the wrong path?
Because I do, and I know my parents still do, to this very day.
My father would probably tell you that you would most likely do just that if you stopped being afraid of failing.
He would also say that kind of fear keeps you brave and honest.”
But couldn’t that kind of fear make you indecisive, too?
Stop you before you even traveled down a road?
The fear of failing was powerful, just as fear of the unknown and uncharted destinies was.
And I’d felt that kind of terror a hundred or so times in my life.
When I went to the Red Pearl. When I smiled at the Duke, knowing what would come from doing so.
When I joined Casteel under the willow. I’d been scared then.
I’d been terrified when I finally admitted to myself what I felt for Casteel, but I hadn’t let fear stop me then.
This was different, though. So much more important than forbidden kisses.
This was more important than us.
“What about your brother? Ian? How would that be affected?”
“The only thing that would change is that we would negotiate as the Queen and King instead of the Princess and Prince,” he answered.
“I doubt that would be the only thing that changed,” I said wryly. “We would come to the table with far more power and authority, I imagine.”
“Well, yeah, that too.” Casteel’s arms tightened around me. “You don’t have to decide today, Poppy,” he said, much to my relief. “You have time.”
Some of the knots loosened in my stomach. “But not a lot.”
“No,” he confirmed as his gaze swept over my face. “I would’ve liked for you to see a little of Atlantia before you made up your mind. What happened last night—”
“Shouldn’t have anything to do with me seeing Atlantia.
” I sat up, meeting his gaze. “It shouldn’t interfere with us carrying through with our plans, or with us at all.
I absolutely refuse to allow this group of people to put me in a different sort of cage.
I’m not going to stop living when I just started to do so. ”
Casteel’s eyes were as warm as the summer sun as he lifted a hand to my cheek. “You never cease to amaze me.”
“I’m not sure what I said that is so amazing.”
His lips curved up. The dimple appeared. “Your determination and will to live, to enjoy life no matter what is happening or how confusing things are, is one of the many things I find amazing about you. Most wouldn’t be able to handle everything you have.”
“There are moments when I’m not sure I can,” I admitted.
“But you do.” He slid his thumb over my lower lip. “And you will. No matter what.”
His faith in me touched a small, insecure spot deep inside me that I wasn’t sure I knew existed until that moment.
A part of me that worried I asked too many questions, understood too little of this world, and that I was only stumbling from one shock to the next.
But he was right. I was still standing. I was still dealing. I was strong.
I started to lean in to kiss him, but a knock on the door stopped me.
Casteel let out a low growl. “I don’t normally like to be interrupted, but especially when you’re about to kiss me.”
Dipping my head, I kissed him quickly before hopping out of his lap.
He rose, shooting me a sultry look that scalded my skin as he went to the door.
Hoping I didn’t look as flushed as I felt, I turned to see Delano standing there.
The smile tugging at my lips froze the moment I connected with his emotions.
All I could taste was bitter, heavy cream. Sorrow and concern. I started toward the door. “What happened?” I asked as Casteel looked over his shoulder at me.
“A man is here to see you,” Delano answered, and Casteel’s head snapped back to the fair-haired wolven.
“For what reason?” Casteel demanded as I joined them.
“Their child has been injured in a carriage accident,” he told us. “She’s extremely—”
“Where is she?” My stomach dropped as I stepped forward.
“In the city. It’s her father who’s here,” Delano began, his gaze darting between Casteel and me. “But the girl—”
At once, the talk of the Crown, the Unseen, and everything else fell to the wayside.
There was no thinking about what I could do to help.
I brushed past him, my heart thumping. I’d seen the results of carriage accidents in both Masadonia and Carsodonia.
They almost always ended tragically for tiny bodies, and I’d never been allowed to step in and ease their pain or fright.
“Dammit, Poppy.” A door slammed behind Casteel as he entered the hall.