Chapter 14 #2
“I should be used to you digging up truly scary shite by now, Maxie,” Logan says when I join him in my office. “But it never fails to impress me.”
I shrug. My skills seem impressive to someone like Logan who can’t figure out how to set up a chat group, but to the big boys who run ransomware rackets or go after military targets, I’m small time.
Even the work I did for Ness wouldn’t get me a seat at their table and I’m very glad to put that work behind me.
“I’ll put in a public records request today for the death certificate,” I say, tapping the edge of the tablet he’s using. “Get us a street legal version to give to your lawyer.”
“Thanks, Maxie.” He rubs his fingers through his hair. “The only thing we really have tying her to Nicholas’s death is her confession to me and the neighbor’s testimony. I wish we had more.”
“I’ll keep digging,” I promise.
He reaches up his hand without looking at me and I grasp his fingers.
“Thank you for yesterday—” he begins.
I squeeze his hand. “You don’t need to thank me, Lo. You never need to thank me. Yesterday was your day to fall down and wallow. I’ve done that plenty of times. Today’s the day to dust yourself off and get back on the horse. I’m right there with you, okay?”
He nods and squeezes back before releasing my fingers and sinking back into the beanbag chair with a crunch.
I grab my wireless keyboard and drop into the beanbag next to him. “Whaddo you think of those jobs?” I ask as I tap to bring on my big screen on the wall. I pop up the list of low-risk security jobs I’ve assembled for him.
“First one’s a no-go,” Logan says. “I’ve dealt with that company before. They don’t pay their bills.”
I scoff. “No wonder they’re advertising.”
I tap and their listing disappears.
“Second and third look good,” Logan says. “I’ve never heard anything bad about those companies and they’re both an easy distance. That third one looks fun. I’ve never been in an escape room.”
“They are fun,” I confirm. I did a Harry Potter-themed escape room with some buddies from the Navy last Christmas after more than a few beers. We laughed more than we finished the various puzzles.
I tap out acceptances for the two jobs and fire off a query for another on the list which hasn’t listed a required timeframe. If it’s not urgent, Logan could combine it with the escape room job since they’re close to one another in Midtown.
“Maybe we could get a group together to do one,” Logan suggests. “Sounds like a good activity for littles.”
I nod. “I’m, uh, just waiting on some things, then I’m going to talk to Cynnie. If things work out, maybe we could take her and Emmy to the Harry Potter-themed one in Sunnyside.”
Logan shifts in the beanbag to look at me. “Whaddo you mean, you’re going to talk to Cynnie?”
I keep my eyes on the big screen. “She ghosted me.”
“Why?” Logan asks.
“I fucked up. I slept with her on the first date and was too rough with her. I didn’t trust myself and she ran away from me. But I’m going over to talk to her today. See if I can fix things.”
Logan growls. Fucking growls at me.
“Start from the beginning, Max.”
Sinking back in the beanbag, I admit the depth of my screw up. When I finish with Mac’s advice and the things I’ve ordered to assist my grovel, Logan’s heavy hand lands on my shoulder.
“Mac’s a thousand percent right. You can’t let a subbie get away with not talking to you. But he hasn’t dated since the fucking nineteen-fifties, Maxie. You cannot show up on her doorstep uninvited. Any woman might be scared by that, but you could terrorize a little.”
My shoulder sags under his hand. “What do I do?”
“You have to get her to talk to you first. She’s not responding to your text messages, but have you tried calling her?”
I shake my head. “I’m afraid of her blocking me.”
Logan squeezes my shoulder. “I know this is tough. You’re doing the hard thing, facing rejection like this.
It’s not easy. But this is what it means to be a daddy.
You have to do the right thing for your little, even if it hurts like hell.
Call her. If she blocks you, then you know.
You can’t pop up on her doorstep. How do you even know her address? ”
I could lie and say she told me. Salve the remnants of my pride. But I know Logan’s not judging me. “I hacked it.”
“Maxie.” Logan blows out a long breath that taints the room with alcohol barely cloaked by spearmint. Not a great combination. “You can’t show up at her house if she didn’t give you the address.”
“I was just going to give her the flowers and the stuffie I bought—”
Logan’s shaking his head before I even finish. “You can’t. Send them by messenger with a note that says you’d like to see her, but you can’t invade her space like that. So much of the world is unsafe for littles. Their safe spaces are sacred. You can’t make her feel unsafe in her home.”
“I didn’t think of that, Lo. I’m not cut out for this daddy thing. Why didn’t I think about the importance of her safe space?”
Logan rubs my shoulder. “Not everything’s intuitive, Maxie.
A lot of it is trial and error. Figuring out what works.
God knows, I’ve fucked up creating a safe space for Emmy recently.
And what works with Cynnie might not work with another little.
Warrin and I compare notes a lot. His biggest rewards for Aggie?
Emmy would think I was punishing her. There’s no one size fits all. ”
“There should be a manual,” I grumble.
“Yeah, but where would the challenge be in that? Listen, if she will see you, be prepared for whatever reason she gives for ghosting you not to make much sense.”
“Huh?”
“It sounds like she spent three days in littlespace with you. That’s very intense for a little, particularly one who hasn’t had a daddy in a while.
She’ll have a lot of emotions going on and she may not be able to express those emotions very clearly.
Be gentle with her. If what she says makes no sense, give it a few minutes, then loop back and give her another chance to explain herself.
Do it a couple of times if you need to. And whatever you do, don’t lose your temper with her. ”
“Okay.” I snort. “That’s without a doubt the strangest dating advice I’ve ever been given.”
Logan chuckles. “Welcome to being a daddy.”
“You’re sure I can do this?” I run my hands through my hair.
“I am. I can’t promise it’s going to be easy. Not with Cynnie, not with another little if things with Cynnie don’t work out. But it’s worth it. Stay the course. I’m proud of you.”
I give him a sheepish smile and he pats my shoulder again. “Have you talked to any of the other daddies from playgroup?”
I shake my head. “I had a follow-up call with the organizer, Miss Ginger, but mostly she just apologized again for the whole situation with Mary Lisa.”
“Eh.” Logan waves that off like a bad smell. “Don’t let that color your perception of playgroup. Now that you’ve spent a couple of days with a little, give Jack or Warrin a call and talk through how it felt. See what they think.”
“You mean I have to talk about my feelings?” I pull a face worthy of Tyrone.
Logan reaches over to slap the back of my head. “Wanker.”
“Dick. I’ll call Jack. If things don’t work out with Cynnie, he can talk me off the ledge,” I joke.
“Whatever happens, come lift with me tomorrow morning,” Logan says.
“Sure.” He made that easy. I thought I’d have to browbeat him to let me come over again while he’s trying to have his retreat with Emily. Maybe he’s already realized it’s not a good idea right now. “Want me to drag Mac along? Emmy mentioned wanting to meet him.”
“Yeah, that’d be good. Plan on staying for lunch. Emmy’ll want to feed you.”
“No argument from me—”
I break off when Emmy’s head pops around the divider between my office and the kitchen. “Can I interrupt you for a second?”
Logan twists to look at her. “Of course, baby doll.”
A grin as glorious as the sunrise breaks across Emily’s face and she waggles her fingers. Logan climbs painfully out of the beanbag to follow her. Curious, I trail them out to my landing.
Emily draws Logan over to the flowers blooming along the railing. “Look, Daddy,” she whispers, pointing. “It’s a pink ladybug. I’ve never seen one before.”
Logan peers into the planter. “Look at that. It is pink. Hold your finger out, sweetie.”
Emily looks hesitant, but with Logan’s guidance, extends her hand.
Her finger trembles when the insect climbs onto it.
She looks up at Logan, her eyes soft and gleaming.
Logan smiles at her, the first real smile I’ve seen out of him since he arrived yesterday.
They gaze at each other, the rosy insect held between them until it spreads its tiny wings and flutters away.
Emily giggles. Logan pulls her to him and buries her in a hug.
I back away to let them have their moment. Logan does need his friends, but he’ll always need Emily more; she gives him something none of the rest of us can give him.
I stare at my phone for what’s probably only five minutes but feels like an hour.
I have everything ready. Flowers, dairy-free chocolate, cutest stuffed honeybee hive ever made. I know what train to take to get to her house. I just need to find the courage to call her.
I pick up my phone. Put it down again.
“Fuck it,” I tell myself. “If she blocks you, she blocks you. Sac up.”
I pick up the phone. Put it down again.
Maybe I should just wait until the next playgroup. That’s a week and a half away. She might not even show up.
I pick up the phone and tap her contact before I lose my nerve again.
“Max?”
I’m so surprised she’s answered that I stammer, “B-buh-baby?”
“Hi,” she says, her voice barely more than a whisper. “Thought youz coming t’see me?”
“I am. Oh, baby, I am. I just needed to be sure you wanted me to.”
“Didn’t say no.”
“No, I know, I mean, I know you didn’t. I just had to make sure. Consent’s important, right? If I leave now, I’ll be there in under an hour. You’ll be home?”
She’s silent for a long moment, while my heart slams in my chest, my throat, my ears. Is she going to tell me not to come?
“Can I come t’yours instead?” she whispers.
“Of course. Please, baby. Come here—” I choke myself off before I say anything idiotic. More idiotic.
“Can I stay over?”
“Yes. I’ll make dinner. Or do you want to go out?”
“Like a date?”
I’ve got to stop pouncing on her like a fucking beast and date her right.
“Yes, a date. Let’s go out. Have a nice dinner. See a movie. Is there a movie you’d like to see?”
“You won’t want to see it. Pick a big movie.”
I grin into the phone. I’ll pick a movie: the new Disney movie.
“Okay. Text me when you get on and off the train, yeah? I want to know you’re safe.”
“I will. Maxie, can we talk ‘bout things tonight?”
My heart drops into my colon. “Yes. Of course.”
“I’z go now. See you soon?”
“Yeah, baby. See you soon.”
She hangs up and while that’s so much better than saying goodbye, sitting here for an hour contemplating what she wants to “talk” about isn’t.